People don't make any sense to me. They constantly contradict themselves, often knowingly. I don't know if it's because they change their minds a lot or if they just aren't sure of something when they make a statement and then behave in ways or later makes a statement that contradicts their initial stance. I don't know where I stand with people or what people think of me or what people want to me. Sometimes I try to be very straightforward but I feel I'm making no progress and people still think I'm being sneaky or manipulative. I try very hard to be honest and non-manipulative... Sometimes I'm pathetic and I guess people might pity me then, but I'm not trying to convince them to help me. My general feelings and goals rarely change. Sometimes they change, but the change is very marked and not a very gray area. On Klonopin I can become all lovey and forgiving so sometimes that does sway my normal opinions and goals. Sometimes I get moments of euphoria where I have faith in everyone and feel at one with everything. That can lead me to act very different than when I'm in panic mode. I want to make sense to people just like I want other people to make sense to me. After my college phase of "putting on a happy face" there hasn't been much of a time where I felt my persona/social mask usually contradicted my true self/internal self. Sometimes I force myself to smile and talk when I'm overloaded and scared and with strangers, but I don't say anything untrue, and I prefer my words to be taken literally.
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