Insecurities, General Bitchiness, etc.

I feel really dumb most of the time. Partly because I've been told I am dumb by random people my whole life and partly because I have difficulties with relatively "simple" tasks or am unknowledgable about a lot of things most people know by the time they're my age. In school it sort of became the habit where I had to do better than all my classmates just to be on equal starting ground. I had to score perfectly (or at least near perfectly) just to be average. I had to superficially appear the best to just be "normal." It's like there's this invisible coating on me that others can see but I can't, though I know it is there. And this coating shows that I am inferior, dirty, ugly, and stupid. When applying to colleges I refused to apply to colleges where my gpa and SAT's/ACT's weren't at least in the top quarter. Because my reasoning skills are better than my grasp of actual facts I found the SAT easier but I took both tests. The only school I considered applying to where my school/test record would be "average" was the University of Chicago and I stopped during the application process because I can't handle rejection. I was also worried about feeling horrendously inferior to my peers if I did go there, even though I find classes extremely easy for the most part. I get really competitive, but I never actually think I'm better at anything than anyone, I just need to appear superficially better in order to not feel that I am the biggest failure to ever be born. I started becoming this neurotic over such things when I entered first grade when we started getting grades. Before that I was extremely unmotivated and uncooperative. But from first grade on I would sob for hours if I didn't do flawlessly on something. I never accounted a bigger perfectionist than myself, partly because even extreme perfectionists don't usually apply impossible standards to every random, trivial instance possible:-/ And when people are proud of themselves for something imperfect/flawed/less than I would settle for I get annoyed. Why should I be impressed by something so pathetic? That sounds terrible, I know, but I can't help it. I am a bitch:-(