Extreme Versions of Happiness

[unico_love]

Today my mother thought I'd become (hypo)manic again because I seemed very excited and happy for no apparent reason. I'd probably still be manic if I hadn't gone back on Zyprexa and just like when I was depressed it wasn't completely controlled by medication (at all), the mania is probably the same way and some of it probably seeps through. Sometimes I have really sudden ecstatic times where I feel one with the universe and I'm completely overwhelmed with joy but some of those times might be seizures. I have lots of blank out spells or times where I don't remember doing things that are also thought to possibly be seizures (one time leading me nearly to run my mother over with a car in the middle of the night, feeling numb, which is when I stopped being allowed to drive). All my life, though, I've been intensely emotional and often I've been unusually happy. Even when I had bad things going on in my life like horrible school and family experiences, the sensory experience of my surroundings and my inner life could lead me to be extremely happy. When I received the Sailor Moon cd in the mail that I ordered when I was 15 (I was obsessed with Sailor Moon) I just went nuts. Rocking and crying and gasping for air, unable to breathe I was so overwhelmed. I played the same song on repeat. I still do that and music sometimes gives me that response again by playing it over and over. Today I've listened to television show theme songs over and over and that is part of what lifted my mood so much. The two songs are the theme song to Blossom and the theme song to Brotherly Love, both starring Joey Lawrence. I also love the old television show Gimme a Break! which he was also in (and I like that theme song too!) I hope my good mood lasts.

Comments

[hani.livejournal.com]

I loved Brotherly Love!

[unico-love.livejournal.com]

<3

[staircase-wit.livejournal.com]

I'm glad someone is happy today.

[unico-love.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time:(

[staircase-wit.livejournal.com]

I'm perfectly happy. Tired, but happy.

[camilleyun.livejournal.com]

What you describe as feeling one with the universe and being completely overwhelmed with joy and experiencing happiness, I don't have that. I have very tiny pockets of happiness...a very brief feeling that washed over me and seldom lasts longer than minutes. To me, happiness is the absence of conflict. Which technically makes it more neutral. If nothing bad is happening and there is no trauma then I am not feeling horrible so even though I cannot say I feel happy, that is typically the closest I get. It was not always like this. In the past I remember times of extreme giddiness. I went away to New Orleans with my then best friend, Jim, and was so excited I could barely contain myself. To me, back then, excitement caused me to gasp for air and grin a lot. I felt restless in my arms and legs and also felt like I never wanted the feeling to end. I didn't feel it very often and the only time I ever felt it was when it involved other people [codependent much?]. I don't know why it changed but I guess these days I'm more of an angry cynic but in a passive way if that makes sense. It's as if I've accepted that life for the most part sucks and people are not so great but every now and then I can have a good moment with them and as long as they don't do anything to make my life more difficult [which is a problem I am having at work and I plan to write about it today] then I can deal for the most part.

All this being said, my lack of those happy, euphoric emotions is why I resent the diagnosis of BiPolar because if I really was BiPolar, then I would have those moments. I resent being accused of happiness moments when I don't have them. At least if I really was BiPolar I COULD feel happy even if was what the doctor labels as a manic episode. That's another trigger, someone telling me I do something or have something when I don't.

[unico-love.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you don't have the happiness moments you at least used to have:-( Some people when they're manic just get angry or irritable instead of happy, but having euphoric mood does seem common in at least some manic/probably especially hypomanic episodes...