unico_love: (crystal ball)
I finished reading A New Earth and really liked it, though not all of the viewpoints fit for me. However, it's given me a lot of ideas on how to improve my outlook on memories and staying more present "in the moment" instead of focusing so much on the past and future. I'm trying to look at past problems and seeing what I learned from each incident and how I can prevent those bad circumstances in the future. I already write gratitudes down every night before bed, but I'm also focusing during the day on staying "in the moment" instead of worrying and enjoying the good things that are going on right now. Ever since I decided to start working on being a happier person I've come across a lot of useful information I could apply to my own situation and it so far seems to be working. I haven't had morning anxiety the past few days and I had been getting it badly for months, even on good days. I'm trying hard to focus on my own goals and views of myself instead of letting other people influence me too much (though I'm open to constructive criticism or new ideas from others). Like in other books I've read, such as The Happiness Project, I'm going to make sure I enjoy the process of creating instead of just looking for the end product.
unico_love: (Cat mask)
I have a tendency to obsess and/or perseverate on people. It's thought I may have OCD partly because of my intense, negative obsession on certain people and certain social encounters. I do have other OCD tendencies, though. For awhile I doubted I had autism/Asperger's because I was so intensely focused on people, but it really started in college (though I had some long-term obsessions over individuals prior to that, I didn't really focus on my social situation as a whole or get really "into" friends in a normal way). I wanted to make friends and make people feel good just by being a nice person. I generally like people, so this wasn't an arduous task -- it just meant focusing in more on each person's situation, buying more gifts, offering help whenever possible, trying to always be emotionally supportive, etc. I figured I had a lot of emotional reciprocity, but in reality a lot of the people I hyperfocused on weren't as focused on me, so it wasn't so reciprocal. Sometimes this bothered me and sometimes it didn't. I was really focused on being as giving and kind as possible in college and my goal wasn't to make everyone like me so much as to be a good person. Though I loved it when people seemed to really like me. And I was heartbroken when people I'd been close to seemed to distance themselves from me. That still is really hard for me to cope with. I get very attached to people and the attachment only really disappears if the person was quite abusive and made me feel bad.

I regret the people I've hurt -- because despite my usually good intentions, sometimes I can be extremely verbally cruel. Usually it's always some verbal lashing out. Not rumors or cruelty in other manners, but verbal cruelty can do a lot of damage. I know it does to me. I am sorry to the people I blew off, thinking I didn't really do much wrong, because I was hyperfocused on helping/gaining the attention of another person at the time. I've been mean to a lot of friends at some time or another -- sometimes when I was focusing on another person and sometimes when I was focusing on them and became frustrated at things not going how I wanted. I'm so lucky I have such good friends that have, for the most part, forgiven me. I want to be less codependent and just be kind to people because I like doing so, without hoping for too much in return. I love close relationships so sometimes I hope for too much or ask for too much from someone. I need to develop more emotional independence. I think with that I would be kinder, too, because I wouldn't have those desperate emotions I sometimes get. I have April and Mireia and now even Maria (though Mireia and Maria are long-distance friends so I can't just get together with them or anything). Amber can't be close to me right now, but hopefully someday our relationship will return to normal. If it doesn't, I'm just going to have to find out a way to cope somehow. Though it is awfully painful to think of losing her after we spent years so close.

I suppose one quality I actually do like in myself is my lack of pretensions. I tend to mean exactly what I say, say things in whole so there are no misleading sentiments, and feeling like I know who I am and not having to prove anything to anyone. If I act like I like you, I like you, and if I don't like you, I ignore you or tell you why I don't like you. In college I still tried to like people who were inherently abusive and wouldn't stand up to them. I'd just feel bad for them. I still tend to feel bad when someone has problems, but I no longer put on a false smile to please them. I try to be very open about the kind of person I am and my strengths and weaknesses.
unico_love: (Amalthea)
Bunny broke one of my musical box things:-( It's a scene with a unicorn and clouds and a rainbow and crystal shards surrounding a wizard, and the wizard used to be in a glass ball with water and glitter. She knocked something onto the ball and it broke. We're trying to pull off the glass shards so I can keep it. It's just so frustrating, because I don't have enough room for my delicate things that the cats can't get to:-( Bunny crawls up everywhere. I loved this music box... It plays a song from Camelot, and my father used to always sing Camelot songs.
unico_love: (crystal ball)
Even though I don't fit into a specific religion's doctrine, I do believe in God and pray. I feel it's right to try and love every living thing (and nonliving things) unconditionally and treat them with respect. I don't always do this. I know everyone has issues and makes mistakes, but I know I am not doing my best. It's very easy for me to like people and to think positively of them, and it takes a lot for me to dislike someone, but I have certain triggers that make me lash out. That's inappropriate. Even if it's hard and I have to stand up for myself, I should do it calmly and with respect. And even if it's hard to love some people, I should try. Even when forgiveness is difficult because the person isn't at all sorry, I should be wary of them yet forgive them "for they know not what they do" as the saying goes. I want to be a kind person and not just to people where it's easy, but in difficult situations too. I want to reach the point where I always act out of love.
unico_love: (Unico)
Again, I took extra anxiety medication early this evening. I tried going without it, but I was really irritable and angry. I talked to Michael for awhile and I'm less mad. He's going to try the test again Tuesday and then probably come to my house after that. I just don't deal with stress well... I wish I could find a new way of dealing with things. A lot of suggestions for dealing with negative feelings don't really help me. I don't calm down easily. Michael's patient with me, so I have to be patient with him, too. I'm about to start reading Asperger Syndrome and Anxiety with Beauty and the Beast playing in the background.

Soon someone is coming out to work on my electricity and such. An electrician was here a little while ago, but there's someone else she needs to contact to fix things. This house is just so old... I feel really awkward when strangers are at my house. I have no idea what to say and usually just say "hello," answer questions, and continue what I'm doing.
unico_love: (Default)
Today I woke up still feeling a bit sick to my stomach and I felt like I'd done many, many stomach crunches do to the severe vomiting incident in the car yesterday. Today I took out a bag of lettuce from the refrigerator and it was severely rotting. The bag fell open, all over the drawer and the kitchen floor. It was like slimy cooked spinach but not nearly so healthy. I'm allergic to mold so I really have to start cleaning out my refrigerator more often... There were a lot of moldy things in there:(

I don't generally paint with watercolor because I find it's far more stressful than painting with acrylics. It's easy to cover up mistakes with acrylics but it's nearly impossible to do that with watercolor if the mistake is major enough.

I should probably get a scanner someday... Though, I really have no idea how you scan pictures if they're bigger than the scanner's screen.

Still-Life )

Still-Life Full Picture )

Surreal Illustration Thing )


unico_love: (Default)

August 2013



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