unico_love | Trust vs. Paranoia, Hopes, Reality (Reply)

I think I have a tendency to either be completely trusting against all common sense, or to try and counter this to look more acceptable/become less humiliated by becoming completely paranoid against all common sense, so every tiny detail has some kind of deeper meaning. I suppose in some ways I'm probably getting a little better about this simply in that I think I'm learning how to avoid repeating certain mistakes... As I've said before, I tend to think myself in circles, so often a simpler and more helpful solution is to do what seems more instinctively correct with me. This still comes with a risk, but as long as I try to double-check the consequences of my actions, it's overall a much more successful route for me to take. I am not naturally a very cynical person, and even if that makes me look childish or overly devoted or overly honest, there's not much I can do about that. I'm a much more miserable and insane person when I try to fake the kind of doubts and pessimism and lack of commitment to things that a lot of people I've known have seemed to experience. My feelings and goals and desires are usually very clear and simple, but obsessively trying to reconsider and normalize them doesn't change anything, it just makes me feel horrible and make worse decisions.

My idealistic wishes do still cause a problem still. The future seems so unpredictable to me, and people seem so unpredictable, that I try to limit my hopes to very small, specific, reachable things now. I can get very ecstatic over tiny details that come true, small things others might not notice or take for granted (including with people, which I'm sure contributes to why I can like people so much -- too much, as someone once told me). However, I can also overreact and become hysterical over tiny details that seem completely at odds with my ideals or previous assumptions. This is really just the same as the common dilemma of getting too attached to major, long-term wishes and dreams that then don't come true and then falling apart because of it, which some people do over and over. I just moved it to a microscopic level. I can accept that I have no control over other people without having to give up my own focus and sincerity and intentions. If I can still live with the purest intents possible and improve myself toward my ideals and see the goodness in what enfolds outside of my control, that will improve my life and won't be a lie, even if my feelings and wishes still seem silly to other people.

I have to accept other people's chaos without thinking it is more connected to reality than my consistency. Just because my feelings and ideals and desires usually align doesn't mean they are too simple to be taken seriously. I know a lot of people would think I was crazy if they knew how I experience things and feel about things, but if I actually live better this way and I'm a better person this way, there is no reason for that to matter. I look crazier when I try to pretend things aren't as clear and intense for me as they really are. When I try to convince myself that somehow other people are showing me that there is something false about my feelings, intents, interpretations, and actions.