unico_love: (crystal ball)
Not feeling anxious unless I leave my bed. Occasionally I can go out shopping, if there is a hint of a "reward." I overdraw my bank account by $4, but didn't get penalized. I also went over my credit card by about the same amount, but didn't get penalized. I've been taking from savings. I guess overspending has been helping me avoid my real problems and acted as a form of escapism. I've bought a lot of new clothes because nothing in my closet fits. Still gaining weight... I'm going to get my colors done into a personalized fan, which my mother thinks is a waste of money. Well buying new clothes in styles and colors that look good on me and obsessing over the color and style analysis is taking my mind off the fact that I look pregnant and feel fat. It's either this or *completely* starve myself and then end up back inpatient in the ED Ward and spend the money on that instead. Which would she prefer? I mean, I have no appetite. It's common at 11pm for me to ask Michael if I had remembered to eat that day.

John Kitchener, my favorite color/style analyst, I think, considers me half Romantic and half Youthful (AKA Ingenue in other systems). Both are completely yin. He said to think "Marilyn Monroe meets Emma Stone." That made me feel a little better about my appearance. I never before cared for Marilyn Monroe, but now I'm starting to. I want to learn more about her and watch "My Week with Marilyn" because she sounds like she was a very sweet and naive person. I'll always be an Audrey Hepburn first first, though. When I'm healthy my weight/size is a little closer to Audrey's (by a *smidge*) but I have a more rounded figure than her still and a face more like Marilyn's. So, still more of a Romantic.

John also said, color-wise, he saw Winter, Spring, and Summer in me and that I'm a tough case (no wonder I kept switching what season I thought I was!). He could see me as a Snowflake Winter (the shortest and most delicate -- personality-wise like Snow White or Alice from Alice in Wonderland), a Soft Spring, or a Summer. He said he saw a lot of "Subtle-Blended in me, AKA Summer). He is coming out with a book explaining all this next year. Very excited about it! He's a very kind man who adopted a litter of kittens (6!) and wrote on my FB and conversed with me despite his business and my inability to pay him. It's good I've decided to go the route of having a personalized fan made instead of a draping given that I probably don't fit neatly into one season (I'll see what my analyst has to say, but I think she agrees, as most do, that I am LSp mostly). I'm also a "Playful Winter: The Ballerina" in another typing system, which I love.

My mother is really tense and anxious lately and often takes it out on me. That makes me anxious and I feel like a failure. My brother can also have a snobby attitude, like he's in-charge of my mother's house. All the cats are over there now as she tries to sell this house. I still haven't gotten my salivary cortisol test results back! As I said before, I have osteoporosis and got those results back.

Izzy is back in the US! Saw her in Chicago first for a showing of My Neighbor Totoro and then to see the Chicago Art Institute's museum. We saw a special showcase of Impressionism, Fashion, and Modernity. Impressionism is my favorite so I'm so glad we went and saw it! I'd wanted to see it since I'd last been in Chicago months ago and I saw a poster for it at a bus stop. I was in a lot of pain, though, in my legs, hips, lower back, and shoulder wear I keep my purse. Maybe due to not enough exercise? I have no idea. I am okay sitting in bed, but sleeping or walking/standing hurts.

Today I went to a thrift shop today and bought a lot of tops, mostly in corals, light blues, and dark purples. I couldn't fit into a Medium Aeropostale top. That was... upsetting. At my healthy weight I comfortably wore a Small from there, both top and bottom.
unico_love: (red rose girl)
I just got back from the doctor's appointment. My doctor is East Indian and very pretty (Michael agrees!) She was nice, but didn't want to get my hopes up. She thinks my high prolactin could be caused by Zyprexa (bitch endo said my levels were too high for it to be meds). She wanted to see if I could change meds and get off Zyprexa. I'm like... That always ends in a huge disaster>_> I get TOTALLY nuts! I've been on almost all the alternatives and nothing else works. And I still have the same symptoms. I just realized I could test going off the Zyprexa for a couple weeks or a month, especially now I'm off Yasmin, which made me bonkers as hell, just to check my Prolactin without it. Maybe I will do that if my prolactin doesn't decrease substantially on the anti-Prolactin med. I wanted to just stop taking Zyprexa now, while on the med, but that's too many variables. But this all made me very disappointed because I've read so much about hyperprolactanemia and how it can cause many, many symptoms -- all of which I had. My doctor focused on the irregular periods, which I've had all along. And which I really could care less about. A few periods a year is fine with me! But she tried to get milk from my nipples and couldn't, which you usually can with prolactanemia. She read off a chart of symptoms for me to say yes/no to, and I said "yes" to most.

Interestingly, she seemed more concerned about my cortisol levels. She asked me if my (normal) urine test was before or after my cortisol dex suppression test (borderline high). The urine test was after, which she said could be because the steroids in my suppression test. Also I'm on inhalers (steroids) which can suppress cortisol. So she wants to look into that more. She even felt for my hunchback for Cushings, I think! But if I have Cushings it's either a mild case or the beginning stages. And I'm much rather have a prolactinoma:( Everyone says "Oh, it's good you don't have a tumor!" A small adenoma that shrinks and all the side effects go away with a simple med is better than all this other crap!

She said doing bone density testing on pre-menopausal women was complicated and rarely done, even if there was a fracture, and osteoporosis was not usually associated with pain. Then why do my hips hurt so much?? They hurt both while I was very active and non-active. But I'm not going to push for a test that's not going to show anything.

She basically wants to start from scratch and do retesting of thyroid, cortisol, and prolactin in a couple weeks, with me off steroids (trying not to use my inhalers). Then in three weeks, see her again. Then we will go over the results and plan the next step (maybe go offf Zyprexa, plan the next Cortisol tests, maybe sex hormone testing, maybe look into what could be causing my body hair loss, etc.) She said she had to look over my file more and other information. I really hope she studies up on prolactanemia and the kind of symptoms it can cause (same with high cortisol and anything else I might have) because I feel like my symptoms can be explained... I feel the body hair issue is definitely endocrinological, so as long as I've got that going I've got her hooked :P
unico_love: (Default)
I feel really fuzzy right now, like I had a seizure or might have a seizure, so bear with me. But I've felt like this for awhile, so it could be a false alarm. But the neurologist doesn't think I'm aware of a lot of my seizures, so who knows? I'm confusing myself. New topic.

We went to Oakbrook Mall. Michael was irritable some of the time, but I'm glad we went! I didn't realize they had some great stores there I would actually use! Maybe it's because I've grown up a bit and some of my tastes have changed? I try to use more environmentally sound products, cruetly-free, if at all possible. Some of the clothes I like are more mature. I spend more on products and am consciously trying to buy less plastic crap.

Anyways, I have been planning on buying Izzy and myself Bare Escentuals lipstick (two a piece) online -- but there was a boutique there! Unfortunately, it didn't have all the lipstick colors. And apparently they are changing the lipstick shades April 11th. I have to wait until April 3-4th to afford the lipstick. But I decided I want to buy the "old" lipstick because then it will gone for good, and we'd have plenty of time to buy the "new" lipstick if we wanted to. A color Izzy was interested in, but was sold out online, was in the boutique -- Berry Glace, so even though Izzy hadn't made her second decision (she had decided on her first -- Italian Ice) I bought it for her. On our way back out of the mall, Michael bought me a Bare Escentuals lipstick in Parfait. It's a little peachier than the color I was considering (Gelato - more straight nude pink, though Parfait is also a nude on me).

We went to Sephora and it was a full one, with the Jasmine line. I looked at the Urban Decay things. It was a bit squashed by the beauty chairs area, though, so I couldn't tell if they had palettes besides the Naked ones. I want to buy Michael's sister an Urban Decay palette for Christmas if I can afford it -- the Vice palette if it returns. I have it set to tell me by email if it returns online. I liked looking at all the different skin products and make up... But I'm broke, so I didn't buy anything.

There was a Soma there, and I love their underwear! It's so pretty and comfortable. I should buy my mother some from there sometime. I bought mine online and had to pay a lot in shipping. Now I know there is a brick and mortar store nearby.

There was a Disney store! All the Disney Stores seem to be closing...

There was an H&M! We don't have one at the mall we usually go to, but I love this store, and they don't sell online. I bought my mother her Mother's Day gift her -- a blue sweater for $10. They always have great pricee, plus now they are selling spring/summer clothes.

I tried to send something to the Glen Ellyn Post Office by Newton Park and they gave me trouble, like they always do. It left me very agitated. I hate that post office and do not intend to use it for packages again. Today Michael mailed my package from the downtown Glen Ellyn Post Office without any problems. I've got a big package I'm putting together for Poland to send out mid-April and will probably use that post office. Michael had a good experience.

I'm still having anxiety and taking 2mg Klonopin everyday, but I'm trying to feel less guilty about that, because my endocrine conditions can cause severe depression and severe anxiety (as well as irritability and hostility). I figure once I'm treated I will start feeling better and not be so med-reliant. I have been obsessed with Cushing's Disease today. I'm pretty sure I have an early/mild case of it starting to progress pretty fast. My weight gain hasn't been in the usual places for me (thighs, for instance), but my belly, in a pregnancy-type fashion. It has cellulite over it. I can't fit into any pants -- including new ones I bought for weight gain -- so I'm going to just wear sweatpants, pajama pants, and elastic waist skirts for the time being. Everyone assures me when I'm treated my body will go back to normal.

My breasts are getting big, too, but that doesn't bother me as much:P I'm wearing one of my new (ebay) bras today, too and yet I'm now getting quadboob from this too(28DD, could use a 28E -- for some other companies I would need a 28F). Hahaha, yes, laugh those who knew me as a college freshman! 4'11" and an A-cup! Well, not really -- just wearing the wrong bra size, as most do (more like a 28C). Anyways, I am not fat, I do not think any of you reading this are fat -- it's just my fat deposits are going to my waist and boobs only because my body thinks it's having a baby very soon and needs to be lactating. I read yesterday, though, that people like myself wtih very high prolactin levels often *don't* lactate -- it's the low-highs that do. Which doesn't make sense to me, but whatever.

I might start getting the Cushings stretch marks soon, which I dread. You can always lose weight -- stretch marks are another issue all together. And my face may become rounder (that's another weird thing -- usually my face gets rounder as I gain weight -- my face is not the slightest bit rounder/chubbier from when I was 25lbs lighter; I'm 5'1", so that's saying a lot). I've been playing with make up a lot and taking lots of face pictures and posting my favorites to Facebook. It sounds vain, but that's one of the few areas of my body that still feels "normal." And that I still feel I can make pretty. It reassures me that this weight gain is not normal because, if it were, my face would look chubbier.

I'm very anxious about the fact it takes many tests to diagnose Cushing's, and then more tests to figure out where the tumor causing it is located (and then you usually do surgery and you have to find a good surgeon... Luckily I live in the Chicago area, so I'm sure there would be an appropriate surgeon not too far). Usually Cushings is caused by a pituitary tumor. I *also* most likely have *another* pituitary tumor -- a prolactinoma releasing way too much prolactin (hence the boobs and the belly and the associated emotional pseudo-pregnant bullshit). That would be treated with strong meds to shrink the tumor and lower my prolactin levels. Two tumors. Two conditions. Two treatments. Two hormones (Cushings is too much cortisol being released from the tumor). A lot of overlapping symptoms -- including osteoporosis -- I want a bone scan asap, because my joints and back and hips hurt a lot the past few months. I will call the endocrinologist about that on Monday, and if she doesn't do anything, call my general practitioner (who works very close by) and ask for a bone scan. I also should go to her office and have my records transferred to her so she knows what's going on. Maybe I will even make an appointment with her. She works Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. My endocrinologist is also part-time. My psychiatrist is the one who has my testosterone results, but I think my endocrinologist got them from him, and those were the most important ones. It's just having two possible conditions at once, with pituitary tumors involved, is overloading and confusing. Though I like that they could explain most of the problems I've gained over the past decade.

On a happier note, Michael went out with Dan and brought me back a large-ish vinyl figurine of Fluttershy from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Though I do have too much random "junk" as it is@_@
unico_love: (Delight)
Today was a better day than yesterday, at least. Michael missed his teaching at church and we both slept in. Cory was unable to come over, which was fine. Michael and I went to the free gem and mineral show at the Dupage Fairgrounds in Wheaton. Michael bought 3 carved stone animals -- a bear, a rabbit, and a cat. I bought a gorilla for Cory. I also bought an aventurine for myself, since they should bring good luck, and green moss agate earrings for Izzy. While I was flipping through the pendants on index cards, the first one I stopped at was labradorite -- the bracelet I'd been hoping to buy next month, probably as my last bracelet for awhile. Then I recently had been backing out of it, due to expenses as of late, but now I am more sure I should buy it if I can. Labradorite helps with intuition, seeing past illusions, and is associated with the brain (close to the pituitary gland -- where I'm having problems). Even if it doesn't help on a physical level, it's symbolic.

Then we went to the pet shop for cat food and we went to Aldi for human food. I skipped my shower tonight because my stomach is really bothering me. I keep trying to find information about hyperprolactanaemia, but most of the information is on Trying To Conceive messageboards. I want a board for people that is I Hope The Treatment Makes Me Infertile and Sterile. Also I want to get tested for Hashimoto's and mosaic Turner's Syndrome. I know I was just tested Saturday for Cushing's Syndrome. My endocrinologist seemed to assume I had Hashimoto's because it causes most hypothyroidism, but this pituitary stuff can cause it, too. A friend with Turner's Syndrome thinks I sound like mosaic Turner's and I can relate to a lot I've read on it. Endocrinologists often test it/diagnose it, I guess. So eventually I'd like to see about that.

Tomorrow I'm calling the endocrinologist's office to see if I need a sooner MRI appointment than April 6th because she said "as soon as possible" and that is not very soon. I also have to call my psychiatrist, part of the same hospital and who recommended this endocrinologist, and tell him what's going on.
unico_love: (Strange Beauty)
Well I've been unproductive so far today:P I think I'm finally going to start reading the Philip K Dick book Izzy gave me. It's quite a long book, so I will probably pace myself and read other books at the same time. I'd also like to look through my clothes, build a bigger pile of what to get rid of, and find a few missing items. I did have some anxiety this morning, so it was my morning anxiety meds, as usual:P But I've only been on levothyroxine a week and a half or so -- there's still plenty of time for it to help more. Overall, I have noticed a lessening of my anxiety aside from last night. I'm feeling less obsessive over my weight. Today I think I look good:-) Because my anxiety is always worse at night I'm going to ask my doctor if she thinks I should take vitamin D supplements and/or return to calcium supplements. I was on calcium while anorexic, but stopped taking them when I ran out and was no longer underweight.

Edit: I just purchased high-potency Vitamin D3 and a Calcium/Magnesium combination supplement. I'm also going to increase my B-Complex+Vitamin C to two times a day and my Fish Oil to 2 times a day.
unico_love: (Hotaru with umbrella)
Bleh. Just read something depressing related to my eating habits/desire to get back to my personal "natural weight" when not hypothyroid -- go to bed on an empty stomach. I can't do this! If I am not quite full when I go to bed I will eat in my sleep. Or at least, because of insomnia, periodically get up and eat whatever convenient crap I can find. If I have healthier, but filling, foods right before bed I sleep better and am less likely to sleep eat. And I don't have a big enough appetite to eat a giant breakfast, like recommended. Mornings I often feel nauseated, especially since going on Zoloft. I'm lucky if I can just make it through the morning without Zofran (anti-emetic med).
unico_love: (Amalthea)
I think I am going to ask my doctor about hypothyroidism on Monday. If she doesn't think I need to get checked out for it I won't pursue it. I am not convinced I *must* have it or anything, but I do have some signs:
-depression (sure, I have bipolar, but it's always been controlled by Zyprexa, but lately I've had to up the Zyprexa and add Zoloft, and I've had to add Neurontin for anxiety)
-dry skin (more dry than usual)
-weight gain (can't lose weight no matter what I do -- very unlike me, used to have a very fast metabolism)
-borderline hypothyroidism last time I was tested
-severe constipation
-need a lot of sleep
-difficulty concentrating
-irregular menstruation (but I've always had this)
-low temperature
-no sex drive
unico_love: (sailor moon beauty)
I'm not posting this in my anorexia filter (which I use for anything weight/body image related) because I'm not going to post my actual weight and I think it could be positive for some people to read. I will put some of it behind a cut, though. I have a doctor's appointment Monday and I was not going to allow my doctor to weigh me. I know I weigh more than I would like to weigh, but I don't know the actual number. I'm afraid I have gained like 20lbs despite, if anything, undereating, and that would really upset me. I am truly afraid of that -- not that I've slacked off and been overeating and probably, realistically, gained about 5lbs. If I have gained a lot of weight, I've realized, it would be good for me to be weighed and discuss it with my doctor and how it makes no sense. My doctor would probably want to run tests on me and have me see a specialist. And I would want to do that since I don't want to keep gaining nonsensical weight. So, as hard as it is, I will let my doctor weigh me.

Also my Jason Wu skirt came in today! It fits, which I was so worried about! And I probably haven't gained weight!
Cut for size mention )
unico_love: (Strange Beauty)
Today has been a good day:-) No anxiety at all so far, yay! I read Shadow and Evil in Fairy Tales, spent time on the personality forum I frequent, and went with Michael to Teal and Eric's apartment to watch Beastly with Teal. Then we stayed for dinner! I'm always so hungry due to Zyprexa and can't cook, whereas Teal can. I've found that because Zyprexa makes me so hungry I will eat almost anything. I used to be a very picky eater. Teal made noodles with chicken sausage, zucchini, onion, and tomato. I ate three bowls! I usually don't eat onions or zucchini. Zucchini and onion really doesn't have much of a taste when cooked and were completely palatable, tasting like the seasonings. Michael ran out to the nearby Whole Foods while the rest of us ate dinner to get me Luna Bars. I'm going to try and keep only healthy foods in the house so I don't binge eat on junk food, but I will eat when I'm hungry. I'd like to lose a few lbs (literally -- not that much), but I'm not going to weigh myself and will be patient. I gained mainly in my chest and thighs/butt.
unico_love: (sailor moon beauty)
I really do feel better after I exercise! I have been exercising lately when I get a bit anxious and it really helps. Also I dislike my body less when I exercise. It's easier than it used to be for me to focus on getting more toned instead of worrying about losing more weight. I'd like to get back to my "ideal weight" assigned to me by my doctors, but being in better shape is what I'm trying to concentrate on. I can never decide if weighing myself does more harm or more good. My inability to feel fullness while on Zyprexa makes it really hard for me to know if I'm eating too much and my body dysmorphia makes it hard for me to notice if I've gained or lost weight. I'd rather catch that I've gained a few lbs before I gain as much as I did October-November. For right now I'm not weighing myself, though. I'm too scared. I'm going to try to just keep eating healthier foods and a lot of protein.
unico_love: (sailor moon beauty)
Here is a picture of me with my new bangs (straight across this time). I haven't had bangs like this since high school! I had heavy bangs from the time I was a toddler until I was going to college. I associated them with my long awkward phase (age 11-18), so I was scared to try them again, but I like them:-) Though this picture isn't that flattering. Someone one personality cafe said I was "so, so beautiful" and another friend told me not to worry about my weight because I was beautiful/"hot" (not a word I usually associate myself -- I'm more used to "cute"). I'm feeling less upset about my weight right now. My mother helped.

Photobucket
unico_love: (Strange Beauty)
Interesting perspective on anorexia: http://www.blog.drsarahravin.com/eating-disorders/the-thin-ideal-and-anorexia-nervosa-its-not-what-you-think/

Though I don't think my current dieting will lead to me regaining the weight. I only got to this weight through binge eating every night and even not sticking close to my diet I keep losing because I'm so far above my set point.
unico_love: (Default)
Just got back from grocery shopping. We bought a lot for just over $30!

Here is what I got (Michael bought some other things):
-3 Pears
- A mixed bag of fruit (red apples, green apples, and oranges)
-Strawberries
-Blackberries
-1 cucumber
-Tomatoes
-Smoked turkey lunch meat
-Trail mix granola bars
-Chocolate mousse low-fat yogurt
-Raspberry low-fat yogurt
-Dill pickle spears
-2% milk
-Water

I also have:
-High fiber maple and brown sugar oatmeal
-High fiber bread
-Honey (I don't think that's too unhealthy, is it?)
-Cheerios
-Luna bars
-Oats and honey granola bars
-Apple juice
-Green peppers
-Assorted less healthy things I will eat sparingly
unico_love: (Delight)
I always take so long to get into activities in the day... I don't wake up that late, but there are so many distractions and I zone out. We're going to Walmart in a few minutes, which I'm dreading because I hate Walmart. We shouldn't be there long. The Ergo Proxy dvd arrived from netflix a day late, probably due to the snow. I will have to return Kyle XY with it in the envelope. Too bad I don't have a sleeve with it... I feel a bit upset about my size/weight (though I don't know my weight so it seems wrong to say I'm upset about it). These clothes are almost tight on me when they used to be loose. I need to find my ballet book for some more good exercises. Michael will probably find it -- I can rarely find things, but he finds them. My skin is also peeling really badly on my face and has for almost a year. I put pure shea butter on it, as well as my usual lotion that my dermatologist recommends. I forgot, after Christmas I started using another lotion on my face sometimes and that probably isn't the best lotion for my skin. Maybe that started this return of the extreme peeling (I don't think it's related to winter or the cold because it was at its worst last May).

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