unico_love: (childlike empress)
I'm feeling depressed about my life. I've accomplished so little in the past year other than stay alive. I've had symptom after symptom pop up. Abnormal test result followed by abnormal test result with no "real" answer. Nothing that connects the dots. When I get my dizzy spells, Michael worries what they mean. My brother and mother were hoping for a tumor in the pituitary gland. Hoping for a tumor... How low do you have to sink for that? My mentality is way off. I like the internet, but don't get enjoyment the way I used to out of in-person socializing. I don't feel like sending emails, though, either. I have nothing to say. I do nothing that would interest other people. My main enjoyment comes from helping other people and giving to other people. Hence, Project Snow makes me happy. Helping a loved one less fortunate who could benefit not only financially from me, but from my knowledge of things like make up and clothing, etc.

I'm reading a book right now and it says how everything is conscious. You can incarnate as literally anything and reincarnate as anything. It's like, I've thought this since I was 11 years old. I've prayed for the souls of living and non-living things for many, many years. People need a book on it? I get people have different beliefs, but this stuff is so ingrained in my heart. I'm feeling less desire to be partnered (who knows? Maybe that's just my lack of libido). I wouldn't mind becoming a nun, but I do not agree with the Catholic church. Maybe Buddhist? I am ready to take a vow of poverty and a vow of celibacy. I no longer feel fit for this world. At times that scares me and I think I'm going to die soon, having finished with this life. I feel like I've already lived through so much and learned so much from everything.

This sickness leaves me feeling haunted. My body is disjointed, not interacting properly with the environment. It is not running well. Neither is my mind, personality, or spirit. I am full of love for everyone. That is the one thing intact. I am bursting with love. I feel quite strange.
unico_love: (Cat mask)
I have this problem lately -- but not every single day. The problem is I'm needing Klonopin more often again. I take it less than prescribed (2mg twice a day), but I have to or I have too high a tolerance. In the morning I wake up anxious and I take my 20mg of Ritalin LA and 300mg Neurontin and I feel great. Sometimes so great that I forget to take my second dose of 20mg Ritalin LA and 300-600mg Neurontin until 5:30pm. Yesterday and today I both had to take Neurontin, Ritalin LA, and Klonopin shortly after 3pm. I feel like a failure:( I feel like I should have my anxiety more under control by now and I have no idea why I'm so responsive to my meds in the morning (and feel really great), yet not in the afternoons. The afternoon dose rarely seems to have much effect at all, really, even on good days where I don't need it (but take it, like I'm prescribed). Does anyone have any idea why my anxiety would be more stubborn in the afternoon (before sunset -- night makes me anxious, too) than in the morning?

I wonder if my hypothyroidism plays a result. I've been reading that people can have effects from thyroid problems before those problems even show up in blood tests. So maybe I've been subclinically hypothyroid for years and that's why my anxiety worsened. I've even read hypothyroidism can be misdiagnosed as bipolar. Honestly? If I'm going to have a thyroid problem I'd rather some of my anxiety and my bipolar be due to it and when I find the right hormone dosage I will feel a lot better and more normal (like before age 19). I did test slightly high on my tsh test when I was 22 and suspected to have hyperthyroidism -- a little about 2. So maybe my thyroid problem has been building since then? This is all very interesting to me.
unico_love: (Cat mask)
"The analysand has not spoken of resistances because that might lead to difficulties, and anyway the analyst has "already been forgiven." That is arrogance! It would be much simpler to say, "I blame you for this and that; what have you to say about it?" That would be human, modest, and normally related. But instead, negative reactions hide under the cloak of "forgiveness" and a virtuous and superior attitude and the knowledge that "The analyst is a human being and has negative sides." That is the poison of a wrong Christian attitude. I have often met with this and resent this forgiveness and sweetness of people and would prefer that they were more naturally related and would say straight out what they thought so that one could get a human understanding. This shadow of the Christian attitude is symbolized by the stag hung up in the tree in the medieval legends. If someone just pardons a fellow human being, then nothing happens; the negative assumptions remain for the next ten years!" (pg. 47, von Franz, Shadow and Evil in Fairy Tales).

This makes a lot of sense to me. I hate the idea of being angry or mean, so I never know whether to repress my feelings or let them out. And when I do let them out it's usually a verbal lashing. What I would like to do is what's said here -- Being clear and to the point that I am bothered. Sometimes I do manage doing that, but the situation remains unresolved. Sometimes the main point gets pushed aside. Sometimes I become defensive and sometimes I give in too easily -- as I do feel guilty easily. I feel so much pressure to forgive, but sometimes forgiveness needs time and more experience.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I can't get the image to show:(

I am a Benevolent Visionary )
unico_love: (Hotaru with umbrella)
Habits 3 and 4 from  )
unico_love: (sailor moon beauty)
Quotes and Personal Responses )
unico_love: (childlike empress)
My brother and I were talking yesterday and we talked about bullying. It started as a conversation of how many kids now get bullied online and it seems like more children commit suicide due to bullying than they did when we were little (though that might be untrue). I talked about how I was bullied and it didn't really bother me. If it had been physical, it would have been a different issue, but it was just verbal and kids following me around chanting mean things, etc. In second grade this one girl hated me and started the "We Hate Bridgett Club" which all the girls in our class were in. It just confused me. I got out of class every day to help with the Kindergarten gym class (an attempt to improve my socialization skills) and I was allowed to bring a friend. The girl who hated me would want to get out of class so she'd ask to go with me and I would say yes. Considering how mean she was to me, I should have said no. However, I still trusted her and did not mind her as a person. Meanness and bullying was beyond my comprehension. Even in high school I was just baffled by it. My brother said I "let the enemy into the foxhole" which apparently is a saying he just made up, which I didn't realize. He seems to feel I like everyone, even when I have no reason to, and that I trust people I obviously shouldn't. I guess that's true... The only person I truly dislike is the sociopathic mother of an ex-boyfriend. She is the closest to "evil" I have ever seen. But a lot of the time now I just feel bad for her, because she can't be happy.
unico_love: (crystal ball)
For quite awhile now I've assumed I was a type 1w9 for my gut type, but now I'm not so sure. I'm a 4w3 and integrate to 1 when I'm healthy. I tend to have very strict morals and ethics for myself, care about the ethical behavior of others, I'm a perfectionist a lot of the time, etc.

However, in reading "The Positive Enneagram" I came across a description of 9's that sounds very much like me:

"...It's often through storytelling that 9's find it possible to express who they are. Point 9 on the enneagram is a place of creative possibility, which is probably why 9's usually like stories better than factual accounts. Facts describe the world as it is, stories describe the world of imagination.

The stories that 9's tell don't seem to be so much deliberately composed as channeled from some invisible part of themselves. These stories are often fantasies or fairy tales and are archetypal in nature." pg. 53

Fairy tales and archetypes are a huge obsession of mine and I get lost in fantasies easily. However, I don't usually avoid reality (I get too anxious for that) and while I hate conflict, I will sometimes get involved in it -- it just makes me super upset and gives me a stomachache.

I know I do not have an 8 wing if I am a 9 because 8 is the type I have least in common with. Maybe my love of fantasy is just because I'm a core 4?
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I'm glad LiveJournal seems to be working again. I have had bad focus lately... I did manage to finish a painting, do some poetry writing, and read some of Borges. I've also still had dumb television shows playing in the background. I just like at least playing a dvd in the background so I don't feel so alone (Michael is often in his room and today he's been at his parents' homes). I haven't been too depressed lately, but many days I still struggle with anxiety. I went swimming a bit earlier today. I will swim more this week (my mother's boyfriend's pool). I am still obsessing over clothes and thinking about what I would like to buy. Fortunately I'm not giving into temptation. Today my mother tried to teach me how to balance my checkbook. Hopefully I will do better at it from now on...
unico_love: (Cat mask)
How do you picture your "subconscious city" to be like? How do you get there?

I don't really picture a city so much as a landscape mostly populated by animals. There are hills and fields of flowers of all colors, cherry blossom trees lining a path, a castle on top of a hill, forests filled with willow trees and giant trees. I get through there by meditation or just daydreaming.

How do you picture the guardian of your subconscious city, aka your Shadow?

The guardian is just a black blob/hole that allows entrance into the castle or the fields.

What is the "security system" of your subconscious city? How would it react to intruders and what ways do you use to dispose of them?

Kind spirits would be welcome, but judgmental or cruel entities would be blocked passage. I have never had an unwelcome entity enter my mental sanctuary.

How do you think your Shadow would react to somebody you're close to visiting your subconscious? (Take into consideration that everything you have ever stored in your mind -- memories, feelings, impressions, secrets -- are gathered into this one place...)

This would probably be fine. I'm a pretty open person and like to be intensely close to people.

Does the subconscious city react to your moods? And if so, how? (Does it change when you're happy/angry/sad/etc?)

Sometimes the weather changes and it's windy or stormy or dark if I'm angry or depressed and it's usually sunny when I'm in a good mood.
unico_love: (Cat mask)
Great article on INFJ's: http://www.darbright.com/the-life-purpose-of-infjs/
unico_love: (childlike empress)
Personal Myth )
unico_love: (childlike empress)
This is my response from personality cafe:
Questions on What Values Are )

Blog Post I Made About What an Average/Healthy-ish 4 Might Look Like )

Questions About my Life )

9) What do you desire most in your life?

To be happy and to become a better person filled with love.
unico_love: (Amalthea)
This describes my habit of overinvolvement with people well:
"Some of us are better at involving, or identifying. We know how to dive in deeply and experience life. We are capable of intimacy and do not avoid feeling states. This way of loving can be very fulfilling, but it has its drawbacks. We can get trapped in some dreadful melodramas or obsessive emotional preoccupations and not know how to get free. Living in drama can become an addiction. When this happens, we don't feel alive unless some crisis is going on. If we run out of personal dramas, we even take on others' problems as if they were our own! If this is your lesson, you may feel as if you're caught in an endless string of crises, unable to distinguish between what belongs to you and what you should allow to pass by."
-pg. 163, Psyche's Seeds
unico_love: (Cat mask)
Today Michael and I met with a woman from the church for our new membership interviews. Caribou Coffee was super crowded, which I didn't expect at 2pm on a Friday. We had to wait to find a parking spot, though we did get a table when we went inside. Michael's OCD was bothered by people there using their computers, but he stuck it out, which is good for him (challenging his OCD with exposure to his obsessions). The coffee made me really nauseated, unfortunately. I took a Zofran back in the car before we left.

The interview went well, I think, but it's always awkward for me to explain I never finished school and can't work or go to school. I do art and writing, but it's a lot harder to make money from those than a lot of people think. Some people do get lucky or get some connections through their college/university, etc. but I do not make money off my writing or art. The woman (Rose) suggested I try to write a memoir about my youth and bizarre family situation, but I've already proposed that to agents to no avail. I thought I had nothing to say about myself and I feel like I've done nothing with my life, but I kept thinking up things I had done (an internship with the Smithsonian, teaching English to Burmese refugees, etc.) and Rose seemed to think it was a lot. When Amber and I were still in college our art history professor told Amber it was amazing how much I had done for my age, which sounded weird to me then. Certainly the past few years I have been mostly introverted and focused on myself, so I feel even less accomplished now. Hopefully as my mental state improves I will start doing more and more again, though, but without overloading myself. Even volunteering my mother thinks I should wait on until I'm consistently feeling better. Also it would help if I could drive...

I think a lot of the obsessions I develop when I'm stressed and not doing well mentally may be related to my inferior extroverted sensing. My body image is worse and more obsessive, I develop disordered eating, I obsess about being clean, went through a period of obsessive teeth brushing, sometimes obsessively exercise, etc. I use extroverted sensing in a rather unhealthy and compulsive way to try and control my environment when I feel internally out of control. I just realized I could relate this to personality typing.
unico_love: (Cat mask)
I've been reading Personality Cafe forums a lot the past few days. For the Myers-Briggs my personality type is INFJ and I decided to write down how I think I use my main functions (the shadow functions are rarely used or tend to be used in negative ways). Even though the fourth function is usually weak, it is usually not actually a part of the shadow, supposedly.

Introverted Intuition - My interest in religion and philosophy, my focus on abstracted and personal spirituality, theorizing, being slow to take in outside information, always trying to understand myself in abstract ways, ideas for artistic endeavors and abstracting the environment for my work

Extroverted Feeling - Taking great interest in other people, focusing heavily on my relationships, preferring harmony among people, thinking in terms of what "should" be, trying to enforce my values on others sometimes, being sympathetic, worrying about hurting other people or dissonance between people, evaluating art and writing based on how it feels to me and reflects my preferences

Introverted Thinking - Reflecting on information I gather and trying to organize it into models, relating everything back to myself and trying to understand myself, sometimes being rigid in my thinking and being illogical when I think I am being logical (still developing this function)

Extroverted Sensing - Enjoying physical activities like ballet and gymnastics (maybe also yoga? You are supposed to be mindful during yoga and be aware of your surroundings...), taking in outside stimuli and applying it to my art (paintings/drawings of what I see -- not usually abstract art), obsessing over certain kinds of food, enjoying nature and the environment when in the right mindset, tendency to not notice my physical environment in certain ways (because it's a weak function) and even weaker in noticing things within my body (Introverted Sensing? My weakest function?), paying close attention to beauty and appearance of bodies (including my own)
unico_love: (Amalthea)
5-HTP worked many nights for me to decrease anxiety and depression, though it never helped my insomnia (but very few things help my insomnia). However, eventually it started giving me stomachaches. I ordered a large container of L-Tryptophan to start taking after I ran out of 5-HTP. I'm taking the larger recommended dose (which, comparatively, should be twice as strong as the dose of 5-HTP I was taking) and I haven't noticed any effect at all from the L-Tryptophan. However, I just read it should be taken on an empty stomach and, due to my psych meds schedule, I eat the most at night. L-Tryptophan is usually recommended to take at night to help insomnia, so I have been taking it at night. I also read taking it with fruit juice can help and I have no juice. After my mother returns from her vacation I will buy some (probably apple juice since it's so cheap). I just took 1000mg L-Tryptophan on an empty stomach with an orange (the closest thing I have to juice) and I think it is helping my anxiety! I also could try taking 1500mg L-Tryptophan if 1000mg doesn't work. If I can't get L-Tryptophan to work reliably I may go back to 5-HTP after I run out of L-Tryptophan. I'm not actually vomiting from the stomachaches so maybe I could deal with it.
unico_love: (crystal ball)
There is something I have learned in Dialectical Behavior Therapy that is probably obvious to most other people, but it was a big revelation for me: We are not our emotions. We experience emotions, but we don't have to act on them -- we can even act opposite of them. We are not defined by our emotions and we are more than our emotions. I have always felt like my emotions were the best reflection of me and when I experienced negative emotions, other than perhaps compassionate sadness, I was a bad person. Likewise, we are not our thoughts. Our thoughts happen and have meaning, but they don't define us any more than our emotions do. Thoughts can change at any time. Like emotions, they pass. Our true self is more solid than our emotions or thoughts. We are something deeper than those things. When I feel despair I feel hopeless. I think that is the "real" me and allow it to define my life. My sense of self constantly changed depending on how my emotions changed. In some ways I have a well-defined sense of self, but in other ways I allow myself to be overwhelmed and control.ed by my emotions and, to a lesser extent, my thoughts. It's easier to like myself when I don't feel like my negative emotions or thoughts are the truest depiction of me. It's also easier for me to see I am still being honest and true to myself when deciding not to express or act on certain emotions. It also helps my relationships.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I really want to work on being more optimistic about my own life. I tend to be optimistic when it comes to other people and situations unrelated to me, but I worry over all things to do with me specifically. I try to prepare for the worst, though worrying doesn't usually prepare me for bad things to happen -- it just amplifies my feelings of helplessness when things do go wrong. Due to the overload I experience with autism, I may always feel overload in some situations (crowds, stores, large social situations, etc.) and I may feel awkward having to do small talk while not really knowing how to do it. Medications often helps those situations to some extent (Ritalin LA especially).

However, I have to control my more generalized anxiety with specific worries. Lately it has been a fear of my mother dying; I am still very reliant on her and, due to my disabilities, I probably will be until my mother is too sick or old to help. I hope to take care of her if she does get sick at some point and I would love to have her live with us in such a situation. I really don't want my mother to die... I'm very attached to her in many different ways. Worrying about the situation won't help any, though. People eventually die; it is an inevitability.

I want to enjoy life and appreciate living in the moment instead of obsessing about what happened or what could happen. My life is, overall, quite good. I am very fortunate in many ways and I do feel that way. I just worry about losing everything. I want to trust the universe in God. I can get through any difficulty. Sometimes there will be struggles, but I can still make the best of the situation, learn from it, continue loving and find happiness in all the little things going right. I want to learn to be more easy-going. I may always be a planner and a cautious person, but I can find ways to relax and be more accepting of reality, instead of always feeling like I have to fight reality.


unico_love: (Default)

August 2013



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