unico_love: (crystal ball)
Just got back from the doctor. She was very nice, but basically has no idea what's wrong with me. She's not used to patients with high prolactin, high cortisol, loss of body hair, early onset bone density issues (at least, she never has been the one in charge of dealing with it), etc. She definitely thinks the cause of the prolactin needs to be found because my levels are so ridiculous. There are two endocrinologists in our medical group -- an older, more experienced man and a young woman whom everyone reported back about positively and who is very good about contacting my doctor's office about how things go with patients.

I decided on the female due to the fact that she may be more up-to-date on new medical information, I'm more comfortable with female doctors as far as this stuff goes due to my PTSD, she probably wouldn't have as long a wait (I was told), and just a gut feeling. It turns out she did her fellowship at Mayo Clinic! She also has only been in practice 1 year! To me that's like a kid! But it should relax me. Also I'm hoping that means that, just starting her career, she's eager to prove herself, energetic, not full of herself, etc. Now, I had the *opposite* of this experience with a male doctor (psychiatrist) just out of med school who was first in all his rotations. Oh my gosh, that was bad. So I don't know why I think this will be any different and she won't just think I'm a hypochondriac. I just have a good feeling about her...

And, shockingly, there was an opening at 1:30pm tomorrow!!! The staff member I made an appointment with sounded shocked, too! Heh. So hopefully luck is on my side. My doctor wanted the endocrinologist to do the bone density test because she (gp) wouldn't know what she was doing, but to come back to her if the endo refused.

And my nightly cortisol (or whatever it is) rush has kicked in. Totally anxious and racing heart and shaking. Took Klonopin and Atarax and will see if that slows things down.
unico_love: (Amalthea)
I miss my father. That probably doesn't make a lot of sense, since I have PTSD due to him, but there were a lot of good times with him -- especially before he got totally crazy. Even after he got totally crazy he had his good times. He used to be close to our cat Riff Raff, a big semi-feral black cat. Riff Raff would yowl and rub against my father's legs as my father stood in the kitchen, listening to the radio and drinking beer. I guess those weren't fun times *for me*, but I find the fact that my father liked a cat to be endearing. We're also planning to go to Disney World (hopefully September, but possibly August so my brother can go to culinary school in the fall). My father always took us to Disney World. I feel guilty that the last few years we went I was cold to him and refused to ride with him and even convinced him not to go on a ride with us once. What he did was wrong, but he was mentally ill... I know he really did love all of us.
unico_love: (Cat mask)
Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder made me start thinking about ways to improve my mental health. I never really considered how other symptoms like irritation or being quick to anger can be related to bipolar, even if you aren't currently in a serious mood episode. Also PTSD and OCD are very commonly comorbid with Bipolar and what I read recently is that nearly everyone with bipolar has anxiety problems. This kind of makes sense to me because all of my mental health issues started about the same time. I'd already gotten severe overload problems and meltdowns due to autism, but when I was put in a calmer environment I was fine. And I did get some sadness/anxiety at night, but nothing severe. My first bipolar episode was hypomania with started college and it lasted my first semester. I felt like my brain "switched" over winter break. Then I came back mildly anxious and mildly depressed, but then I ended up being stalked and fell into a severe depression (my first ever). Then a few months later it gradually turned into a bad, long mixed episode which is what I was in for my first psychometric testing.

I have already made goals of ways to improve my life, but here are some changes I'm going to try making specifically for my mental health:

1. Drink 3 bottles of water a day
2. Take my multivitamin and also vitamins of Omega-3 fatty acids
3. Eat (dark) chocolate occasionally (apparently it helps some people)
4. Try to eat a fruit a day
5. Eat peanut butter and yogurt for protein
6. Eat raw vegetables
7. Try to eat the amount of calories my psychiatrist (Eating Disorder specialist) thinks I should eat
8. Stretch daily and maybe try to do yoga (turning off outside stimuli and focusing on breathing)
9. Try to do meditation exercises at least when upset (preferably a daily thing, like stretching)
10. Try to do more strenuous exercise 3x a week (ballet exercises, stomach crunches, and push ups?)
11. Journal out all my problems, obsessions, and worries
12. Take Zyprexa daily and Klonopin as needed, as well as my medications for physical issues
13. Unless it's a special occasion, go to sleep by midnight
14. Have people who know me well watch for any signs that I'm beginning to enter a mood episode so I can do something about it
15. When behaving in unsafe or negative ways, have people close to me point them out and explain why they are problematic
16. Have people try not to argue with me rationally when I'm in a mood episode, but help me find ways to stop the mood episode and cope
17. Email one of my psychologists if I need to talk about something due to mental health problems
18. Page my psychiatrist if I am having problems and need a medication change/increase/decrease
19. Talk to a friend when I'm feeling depressed or lonely
20. Wait out angry feelings before doing anything drastic (write about my feelings and tell someone what I'm feeling and why, maybe having them point out why it would be a mistake to act on my feelings)
21. Do soothing activities when my mood is becoming problematic (art, reading comforting books, writing poems)
unico_love: (Cat mask)
I find it interesting how the bad experiences of our past shape us and change us. I have more fears than I did before some bad experiences happen. I guess that's fairly normal, but I let my fears get the best of me and they often turn into obsessions. Some people seem more resilient, learn from their mistakes, and live happily while just being a bit wiser. I'm shocked at how Michael's friend Dan can go on so happily despite being homeless and losing his fiance to his best friend (and she also started prostituting herself). They also stole all his savings. Yet he goes on with life, works at Walmart, and seems to be doing fine emotionally. Even little things can really upset me and make me obsess. I'm trying to think that my bad experiences that traumatized me can make me stronger in some way. That I haven't died or become permanently unhappy yet, so I should keep going on without too much fear because I will somehow recover. I still have a lot to recover from, but I'm doing better and I'm content a lot of the time.

I think sometimes I act in worse ways as a defense mechanism due to bad experiences, and maybe that wouldn't have happened if my life had gone more ideally, but hopefully it's something I will someday overcome. I want to be kind to people, helpful, and not difficult or fragile. I don't want to judge people and be cruel just because bad memories surfaced when that probably wasn't even their fault -- they were just a bystander to my personal internal drama. One of my biggest goals is to stop being verbally abusive, to stay calm in disagreements, and to take care of myself and my needs without harming anyone else. Maybe someday I will be more empathetic and sympathetic due to my bad experiences. I want to be a benevolent and patient person. I've often felt my bad experiences made me a more vicious and unkind person, but it's my responsibility to make the best of what happens in my life and to become the kind of person I want to be. All of that is more important than my goals that involve writing or art. I love those things, they're fun, but being a good person takes priority. Being a happy person, too.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I've been feeling pretty calm and reflective today. I took Adipex and Klonopin together when I first got up, and it seems to be working. I'm reading a book called Small Miracles of Love and Friendship by Halberstam and Leventhal. It's a book about positive synchronicities. I'm always noticing synchronicities in my own life, or other coincidences that seem meaningful in some way. Everything in life is filled with some type of meaning for me. That is probably one reason I was (mis)diagnosed with Schizotypal Personality Disorder a long time ago.

It's amazing how I have come to know all my friends (and ex-friends). If situations had just been slightly different I may never have come to know them at all, or at least wouldn't have become attached to them. Every little thing in my relationships seems important and makes me feel something -- even things that seem minuscule and probably unimportant to other people. I usually pay attention to details. I want to enjoy everyone I meet and to have as positive an experience as possible.

In retrospect, even the people and situations that made me feel suicidal feel necessary and important once I've recovered. I've learned more about the kind of person I want to be and the kind of person I don't want to be. Assumptions I once naively made get turned around with experience. I hope to continue to grow closer to the people I know and to meet many more fascinating, kind people that have a lot to teach me. I hope I can learn better social skills to find ways to meet more people (even for just brief encounters) and have less awkward interactions. I think there must be a way of doing this while still being true to myself.

Despite my sometimes severe depressions and feelings of dirtiness resulting from my PTSD, I do sometimes like who I am, some of my qualities and abilities, and I don't always think I mess up. I know I'm constantly improving with hard work, which sometimes satiates me. I would like to be able to handle criticism better, though, so I don't lash out in frustration or feel stupid. I want to become more diplomatic in communication. I'd also like to be better at judging actions as some degree of right or wrong and to become a less "black and white" thinker; also I want to stop judging people as human beings because they make bad choices or don't seem to care. I can't help or change everyone. It's not my duty and to try and change others is presumptuous.
unico_love: (Delight)
I often have an uptight and anxious personality and I have a need to make sense of every little thing. These types of qualities have led me to get very frustrated or angry when things don't go as planned or if there's some kind of miscommunication. I really related to all the different causes of anger stated in this book and I found the advice very helpful. I often feel anger out of fear or feeling a lack of control. In the heat of the moment I tend to forget people are people and make mistakes and have their own emotions; I treat people as "logic machines." I need to learn to control my actions better and to deal with problems assertively yet respectfully.

I am also very interested in learning to forgive people as a means of healing and getting past difficult events. I have post traumatic stress disorder and have gone through some traumatic more recent interpersonal problems; obsessing about them does me no good. Sometimes I think I've forgiven someone and then a bad event happens (internally or externally) and I get angry all over again. I have to learn to put things to rest and demonstrate the qualities I want associated with me -- not the anger, disrespect, and cruelty.


Jun. 24th, 2009 04:31 pm
unico_love: (possession)


Jun. 24th, 2009 04:31 pm
unico_love: (crystal ball)
unico_love: (amalthea)
I started out the day very nauseated, so I skipped tutoring (again). I hope to go tomorrow morning. I also have plans to see a friend in the afternoon. Additionally, I'm supposed to drop off a painting at the local art league for another one of their shows. My brother has some of his stuff going on tomorrow too, so hopefully there will be time for everything (my mother has to drive us). My afternoon went all right and I borrowed a book from the library I'm very excited about, a book that has also helped me figure out a bit more about my writing genre. The book is The Forest of Forgetting by Theodora Goss. The introduction was very helpful to me.

Later this evening I got triggered by something and fell apart. I controlled myself better than at other times (progress, I guess?), but I sounded pathetically self-deprecating. I still feel very bad about this situation and I cried a lot over it. I said things to a friend that came out in a way I didn't intend. I also emailed someone and I don't know if it was a good decision or not. I guess I will find out eventually... I just don't know what to feel or do or what my goals should be in my current interpersonal situations. It's all such a mess...
unico_love: (waterhouse nymph)
Well, I'm still way behind in art progress. That must be started this evening! At least sketching or outlining my new painting. I also need to finish a short story. Those are my two goals. Well, and some housecleaning.

Soon Phil will pick me up and I will go visit him and April. I will bring my dvd of The Fountain for us to watch. I love that movie and Rachel Weisz! I love how the plot seems rather cyclical and the visuals are so enchanting... I think April will like the movie, too. I'm not going to be scrapbooking today, though. I'm unsure of the direction I'm going to go with that next.

I finished a good book called Women Who Hurt Themselves by Dusty Miller. I related to the material well, and I liked how she discussed how complex these issues are and how people suffering from these problems usually need individualized, complex plans for recovery and having a support system. I might write more about the book later.

Last night went well and I talked for a very long time with a close friend, largely about music. It was fun and soothing. It made the night much easier and I slept soundly afterward.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
Someone asked me today why I sometimes get very critical and mean of people I really adore. How can I find things to be mean about or criticize when I idealize them? It's something important to think about. I never think someone is perfect, just perfect enough for me to really admire, for their synesthetic matrix/aura/self to feel and look enchanting and magical and naturally pure. I still pay careful attention to patterns and deviations from patterns. Those can make me very overwhelmed no matter how much I care. I get really scared, feel really out of control, and do what I learned to do as a teenager -- which is to verbally lash out to regain some control over my life (though unfortunately it can extend to trying to control other people to make them do or "be" how I want them to be in order to feel the world makes sense and there's overall stability). I am not sufficiently flexible with people and their quirks, their changing of their minds, their confusion with themselves and life. I get frustrated and react automatically in a judgmental way, trying to provoke some kind of response so I feel acknowledge (if disliked...)

I don't usually think worse of the person I'm criticizing; it's all about regaining a sense of control and stability. It's about trying to make people have a glimpse into the confused state I am in so we can have more mutual empathy. I can see when I've done wrong and apologize. I don't want to really control anyone; I would hate the fakeness of that and can't stand when people are in pain (driving me into a further confusion, given I can cause pain by my cruel actions). If someone really is that wonderful to me, I have to demonstrate basic respect and forgiveness, even when the person is acting in strange ways that don't make sense to me. I know my feelings are loyal, and my actions have to be loyal too.
unico_love: (Ophelia)
Stomach and PTSD Problems )
unico_love: (anguish sailor moon)
Largely taken from my PTSD Workbook )


unico_love: (Default)

August 2013



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