unico_love: (childlike empress)
I'm feeling depressed about my life. I've accomplished so little in the past year other than stay alive. I've had symptom after symptom pop up. Abnormal test result followed by abnormal test result with no "real" answer. Nothing that connects the dots. When I get my dizzy spells, Michael worries what they mean. My brother and mother were hoping for a tumor in the pituitary gland. Hoping for a tumor... How low do you have to sink for that? My mentality is way off. I like the internet, but don't get enjoyment the way I used to out of in-person socializing. I don't feel like sending emails, though, either. I have nothing to say. I do nothing that would interest other people. My main enjoyment comes from helping other people and giving to other people. Hence, Project Snow makes me happy. Helping a loved one less fortunate who could benefit not only financially from me, but from my knowledge of things like make up and clothing, etc.

I'm reading a book right now and it says how everything is conscious. You can incarnate as literally anything and reincarnate as anything. It's like, I've thought this since I was 11 years old. I've prayed for the souls of living and non-living things for many, many years. People need a book on it? I get people have different beliefs, but this stuff is so ingrained in my heart. I'm feeling less desire to be partnered (who knows? Maybe that's just my lack of libido). I wouldn't mind becoming a nun, but I do not agree with the Catholic church. Maybe Buddhist? I am ready to take a vow of poverty and a vow of celibacy. I no longer feel fit for this world. At times that scares me and I think I'm going to die soon, having finished with this life. I feel like I've already lived through so much and learned so much from everything.

This sickness leaves me feeling haunted. My body is disjointed, not interacting properly with the environment. It is not running well. Neither is my mind, personality, or spirit. I am full of love for everyone. That is the one thing intact. I am bursting with love. I feel quite strange.
unico_love: (Possession)
I'm going to start working on April's picture soon. It's hard for me to concentrate, but once I get started on drawing, it's easy for me to continue usually. I have to stop obsessing over my illness(es). My brother and I used the same phrase to describe what it seemed my new endocrinologist was doing in trying to blame my high prolatin on Zyprexa (which my psychiatrist highly doubts): grasping at straws. Everything points to a tumor of a decent size, but there is no tumor. Even if there is a tiny mass of cells secreting Prolactin (an extremely tiny tumor), why all the headaches? Why the seizures? Why the vision problems? Also the cabergoline hasn't really helped yet. Maybe it has lowered my Prolactin level, I don't know, but I still have the same symptoms. I've been on it less than 2 weeks, though... My brother told me a few days ago that he had said to my mother, "I know it sounds weird, but I kind of hope my sister does have a tumor," and apparently my mother agreed with him. Because a prolactinoma is easy to treat, clear-cut -- it would make sense out of this mess. Now we are back to not knowing. Back to more testing and being ill. Who knows when this will be solved?

However, one thing I think I figured out -- my hip pain is bursitis. My grandfather had that and I think my mother does.
unico_love: (red rose girl)
I just got back from the doctor's appointment. My doctor is East Indian and very pretty (Michael agrees!) She was nice, but didn't want to get my hopes up. She thinks my high prolactin could be caused by Zyprexa (bitch endo said my levels were too high for it to be meds). She wanted to see if I could change meds and get off Zyprexa. I'm like... That always ends in a huge disaster>_> I get TOTALLY nuts! I've been on almost all the alternatives and nothing else works. And I still have the same symptoms. I just realized I could test going off the Zyprexa for a couple weeks or a month, especially now I'm off Yasmin, which made me bonkers as hell, just to check my Prolactin without it. Maybe I will do that if my prolactin doesn't decrease substantially on the anti-Prolactin med. I wanted to just stop taking Zyprexa now, while on the med, but that's too many variables. But this all made me very disappointed because I've read so much about hyperprolactanemia and how it can cause many, many symptoms -- all of which I had. My doctor focused on the irregular periods, which I've had all along. And which I really could care less about. A few periods a year is fine with me! But she tried to get milk from my nipples and couldn't, which you usually can with prolactanemia. She read off a chart of symptoms for me to say yes/no to, and I said "yes" to most.

Interestingly, she seemed more concerned about my cortisol levels. She asked me if my (normal) urine test was before or after my cortisol dex suppression test (borderline high). The urine test was after, which she said could be because the steroids in my suppression test. Also I'm on inhalers (steroids) which can suppress cortisol. So she wants to look into that more. She even felt for my hunchback for Cushings, I think! But if I have Cushings it's either a mild case or the beginning stages. And I'm much rather have a prolactinoma:( Everyone says "Oh, it's good you don't have a tumor!" A small adenoma that shrinks and all the side effects go away with a simple med is better than all this other crap!

She said doing bone density testing on pre-menopausal women was complicated and rarely done, even if there was a fracture, and osteoporosis was not usually associated with pain. Then why do my hips hurt so much?? They hurt both while I was very active and non-active. But I'm not going to push for a test that's not going to show anything.

She basically wants to start from scratch and do retesting of thyroid, cortisol, and prolactin in a couple weeks, with me off steroids (trying not to use my inhalers). Then in three weeks, see her again. Then we will go over the results and plan the next step (maybe go offf Zyprexa, plan the next Cortisol tests, maybe sex hormone testing, maybe look into what could be causing my body hair loss, etc.) She said she had to look over my file more and other information. I really hope she studies up on prolactanemia and the kind of symptoms it can cause (same with high cortisol and anything else I might have) because I feel like my symptoms can be explained... I feel the body hair issue is definitely endocrinological, so as long as I've got that going I've got her hooked :P
unico_love: (crystal ball)
Just got back from the doctor. She was very nice, but basically has no idea what's wrong with me. She's not used to patients with high prolactin, high cortisol, loss of body hair, early onset bone density issues (at least, she never has been the one in charge of dealing with it), etc. She definitely thinks the cause of the prolactin needs to be found because my levels are so ridiculous. There are two endocrinologists in our medical group -- an older, more experienced man and a young woman whom everyone reported back about positively and who is very good about contacting my doctor's office about how things go with patients.

I decided on the female due to the fact that she may be more up-to-date on new medical information, I'm more comfortable with female doctors as far as this stuff goes due to my PTSD, she probably wouldn't have as long a wait (I was told), and just a gut feeling. It turns out she did her fellowship at Mayo Clinic! She also has only been in practice 1 year! To me that's like a kid! But it should relax me. Also I'm hoping that means that, just starting her career, she's eager to prove herself, energetic, not full of herself, etc. Now, I had the *opposite* of this experience with a male doctor (psychiatrist) just out of med school who was first in all his rotations. Oh my gosh, that was bad. So I don't know why I think this will be any different and she won't just think I'm a hypochondriac. I just have a good feeling about her...

And, shockingly, there was an opening at 1:30pm tomorrow!!! The staff member I made an appointment with sounded shocked, too! Heh. So hopefully luck is on my side. My doctor wanted the endocrinologist to do the bone density test because she (gp) wouldn't know what she was doing, but to come back to her if the endo refused.

And my nightly cortisol (or whatever it is) rush has kicked in. Totally anxious and racing heart and shaking. Took Klonopin and Atarax and will see if that slows things down.

Sick a Flu

Apr. 1st, 2013 09:20 pm
unico_love: (crystal ball)
Well this weekend wasn't the greatest. Saturday we had Cory, Kat, and Kat's husband, Chris come over. But that was later in the day. Earlier in the day I sat around as lazy as I usually am. And it was nice to see my friends, and we had pizza for dinner, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from the computer while they were watching bad old B movies. And then I started feeling more ill. The tickle in my throat from that morning was followed by a full-blown sore throat, aches, and chills. I eventually went into my bedroom to type more privately, and stayed there the rest of the night. Eventually, I couldn't really move, so a shower wasn't an option. I stayed fully dressed and Michael gave me my night meds. I didn't wash my face or brush my teeth. I couldn't sleep. I took way too many pills (not going into detail here because it might trigger people with suicidal ideation or whom have attempted suicide on pills in the past). But it makes me more sure than ever I have Cushings, considering how many pills I was taking (not a ton all at once) and how they didn't make me sleepy. I must have a ton of cortisol still running through me at night. I am going to demand the late night salivary test for cortisol.

I eventually fell asleep and spent the rest of the day in bed, in bad pain, including in my fingers and toes. I got myself propped up at 6pm and Michael gave me the computer. As the hours wore on I did better and better and eventually showered. I slept last night. I woke up today still feeling ill, but not nearly as bad.

Michael and Dan went to Chicago to see the moving From Up on Poppy Hill, but I didn't feel well enough to go. I still feel sick and weak. We also called the scheduling center about my MRI, but there are no sooner appointments available. We left a message for my endocrinologist about my bone pain and asking for a bone scan. Didn't hear back from her today...
unico_love: (Default)
I feel really fuzzy right now, like I had a seizure or might have a seizure, so bear with me. But I've felt like this for awhile, so it could be a false alarm. But the neurologist doesn't think I'm aware of a lot of my seizures, so who knows? I'm confusing myself. New topic.

We went to Oakbrook Mall. Michael was irritable some of the time, but I'm glad we went! I didn't realize they had some great stores there I would actually use! Maybe it's because I've grown up a bit and some of my tastes have changed? I try to use more environmentally sound products, cruetly-free, if at all possible. Some of the clothes I like are more mature. I spend more on products and am consciously trying to buy less plastic crap.

Anyways, I have been planning on buying Izzy and myself Bare Escentuals lipstick (two a piece) online -- but there was a boutique there! Unfortunately, it didn't have all the lipstick colors. And apparently they are changing the lipstick shades April 11th. I have to wait until April 3-4th to afford the lipstick. But I decided I want to buy the "old" lipstick because then it will gone for good, and we'd have plenty of time to buy the "new" lipstick if we wanted to. A color Izzy was interested in, but was sold out online, was in the boutique -- Berry Glace, so even though Izzy hadn't made her second decision (she had decided on her first -- Italian Ice) I bought it for her. On our way back out of the mall, Michael bought me a Bare Escentuals lipstick in Parfait. It's a little peachier than the color I was considering (Gelato - more straight nude pink, though Parfait is also a nude on me).

We went to Sephora and it was a full one, with the Jasmine line. I looked at the Urban Decay things. It was a bit squashed by the beauty chairs area, though, so I couldn't tell if they had palettes besides the Naked ones. I want to buy Michael's sister an Urban Decay palette for Christmas if I can afford it -- the Vice palette if it returns. I have it set to tell me by email if it returns online. I liked looking at all the different skin products and make up... But I'm broke, so I didn't buy anything.

There was a Soma there, and I love their underwear! It's so pretty and comfortable. I should buy my mother some from there sometime. I bought mine online and had to pay a lot in shipping. Now I know there is a brick and mortar store nearby.

There was a Disney store! All the Disney Stores seem to be closing...

There was an H&M! We don't have one at the mall we usually go to, but I love this store, and they don't sell online. I bought my mother her Mother's Day gift her -- a blue sweater for $10. They always have great pricee, plus now they are selling spring/summer clothes.

I tried to send something to the Glen Ellyn Post Office by Newton Park and they gave me trouble, like they always do. It left me very agitated. I hate that post office and do not intend to use it for packages again. Today Michael mailed my package from the downtown Glen Ellyn Post Office without any problems. I've got a big package I'm putting together for Poland to send out mid-April and will probably use that post office. Michael had a good experience.

I'm still having anxiety and taking 2mg Klonopin everyday, but I'm trying to feel less guilty about that, because my endocrine conditions can cause severe depression and severe anxiety (as well as irritability and hostility). I figure once I'm treated I will start feeling better and not be so med-reliant. I have been obsessed with Cushing's Disease today. I'm pretty sure I have an early/mild case of it starting to progress pretty fast. My weight gain hasn't been in the usual places for me (thighs, for instance), but my belly, in a pregnancy-type fashion. It has cellulite over it. I can't fit into any pants -- including new ones I bought for weight gain -- so I'm going to just wear sweatpants, pajama pants, and elastic waist skirts for the time being. Everyone assures me when I'm treated my body will go back to normal.

My breasts are getting big, too, but that doesn't bother me as much:P I'm wearing one of my new (ebay) bras today, too and yet I'm now getting quadboob from this too(28DD, could use a 28E -- for some other companies I would need a 28F). Hahaha, yes, laugh those who knew me as a college freshman! 4'11" and an A-cup! Well, not really -- just wearing the wrong bra size, as most do (more like a 28C). Anyways, I am not fat, I do not think any of you reading this are fat -- it's just my fat deposits are going to my waist and boobs only because my body thinks it's having a baby very soon and needs to be lactating. I read yesterday, though, that people like myself wtih very high prolactin levels often *don't* lactate -- it's the low-highs that do. Which doesn't make sense to me, but whatever.

I might start getting the Cushings stretch marks soon, which I dread. You can always lose weight -- stretch marks are another issue all together. And my face may become rounder (that's another weird thing -- usually my face gets rounder as I gain weight -- my face is not the slightest bit rounder/chubbier from when I was 25lbs lighter; I'm 5'1", so that's saying a lot). I've been playing with make up a lot and taking lots of face pictures and posting my favorites to Facebook. It sounds vain, but that's one of the few areas of my body that still feels "normal." And that I still feel I can make pretty. It reassures me that this weight gain is not normal because, if it were, my face would look chubbier.

I'm very anxious about the fact it takes many tests to diagnose Cushing's, and then more tests to figure out where the tumor causing it is located (and then you usually do surgery and you have to find a good surgeon... Luckily I live in the Chicago area, so I'm sure there would be an appropriate surgeon not too far). Usually Cushings is caused by a pituitary tumor. I *also* most likely have *another* pituitary tumor -- a prolactinoma releasing way too much prolactin (hence the boobs and the belly and the associated emotional pseudo-pregnant bullshit). That would be treated with strong meds to shrink the tumor and lower my prolactin levels. Two tumors. Two conditions. Two treatments. Two hormones (Cushings is too much cortisol being released from the tumor). A lot of overlapping symptoms -- including osteoporosis -- I want a bone scan asap, because my joints and back and hips hurt a lot the past few months. I will call the endocrinologist about that on Monday, and if she doesn't do anything, call my general practitioner (who works very close by) and ask for a bone scan. I also should go to her office and have my records transferred to her so she knows what's going on. Maybe I will even make an appointment with her. She works Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. My endocrinologist is also part-time. My psychiatrist is the one who has my testosterone results, but I think my endocrinologist got them from him, and those were the most important ones. It's just having two possible conditions at once, with pituitary tumors involved, is overloading and confusing. Though I like that they could explain most of the problems I've gained over the past decade.

On a happier note, Michael went out with Dan and brought me back a large-ish vinyl figurine of Fluttershy from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Though I do have too much random "junk" as it is@_@

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unico_love

August 2013

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