unico_love: (Cat mask)
"The analysand has not spoken of resistances because that might lead to difficulties, and anyway the analyst has "already been forgiven." That is arrogance! It would be much simpler to say, "I blame you for this and that; what have you to say about it?" That would be human, modest, and normally related. But instead, negative reactions hide under the cloak of "forgiveness" and a virtuous and superior attitude and the knowledge that "The analyst is a human being and has negative sides." That is the poison of a wrong Christian attitude. I have often met with this and resent this forgiveness and sweetness of people and would prefer that they were more naturally related and would say straight out what they thought so that one could get a human understanding. This shadow of the Christian attitude is symbolized by the stag hung up in the tree in the medieval legends. If someone just pardons a fellow human being, then nothing happens; the negative assumptions remain for the next ten years!" (pg. 47, von Franz, Shadow and Evil in Fairy Tales).

This makes a lot of sense to me. I hate the idea of being angry or mean, so I never know whether to repress my feelings or let them out. And when I do let them out it's usually a verbal lashing. What I would like to do is what's said here -- Being clear and to the point that I am bothered. Sometimes I do manage doing that, but the situation remains unresolved. Sometimes the main point gets pushed aside. Sometimes I become defensive and sometimes I give in too easily -- as I do feel guilty easily. I feel so much pressure to forgive, but sometimes forgiveness needs time and more experience.
unico_love: (mermaid moon)
I had a dream last night about guns, the Tea Party, and a war. However, it wasn't an apocalyptic war or anything, which is part of why it took awhile for me to remember it had just been a dream. I hate politics, so I don't know why I'm dreaming about them.

Also, I felt irritable waking up. I hate feeling irritable or angry more than any emotion. They tend to make me feel like a bad person -- especially when I express them. I imagine most people feel irritable far more often than they feel angry, but that is not true for me. In fact, I have a high frustration tolerance for people (other situations, not so much). When I burst into anger it may seem most logical that I'd been irritable for awhile, piling up irritations until I couldn't take it and exploded in anger. That isn't how it works for me. I get angry all of a sudden, usually from one specific incident. But when I reflect on the past I can see other things, which for a long time I just remained "curious" about, seem to match my reason for being angry and that leads me to think my anger is justified. Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. Fortunately my irritation seems to be leaving me...
unico_love: (crystal ball)
Habits 5 and 6 of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People )
unico_love: (Hotaru with umbrella)
Habits 3 and 4 from  )
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I was just thinking about how I communicate with people and wondering if I ever sound "fake" because I tend to like people easily. There's only one person I really dislike, and that is an ex-boyfriend's mother who just happens to be the most evil person I have ever met (and that's saying a lot). Even Him and other ex-boyfriends who mistreated me, bullies, etc. I don't dislike them. I am perplexed by them. I am angry at Him (I'm over the other ex's), confused by Him, etc. but I don't feel an actual *dislike* of Him. Maybe that's partly why it's so hard for me to get over him and just brush him off. I want to know his underlying true feelings and intentions.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
My brother and I were talking yesterday and we talked about bullying. It started as a conversation of how many kids now get bullied online and it seems like more children commit suicide due to bullying than they did when we were little (though that might be untrue). I talked about how I was bullied and it didn't really bother me. If it had been physical, it would have been a different issue, but it was just verbal and kids following me around chanting mean things, etc. In second grade this one girl hated me and started the "We Hate Bridgett Club" which all the girls in our class were in. It just confused me. I got out of class every day to help with the Kindergarten gym class (an attempt to improve my socialization skills) and I was allowed to bring a friend. The girl who hated me would want to get out of class so she'd ask to go with me and I would say yes. Considering how mean she was to me, I should have said no. However, I still trusted her and did not mind her as a person. Meanness and bullying was beyond my comprehension. Even in high school I was just baffled by it. My brother said I "let the enemy into the foxhole" which apparently is a saying he just made up, which I didn't realize. He seems to feel I like everyone, even when I have no reason to, and that I trust people I obviously shouldn't. I guess that's true... The only person I truly dislike is the sociopathic mother of an ex-boyfriend. She is the closest to "evil" I have ever seen. But a lot of the time now I just feel bad for her, because she can't be happy.
unico_love: (Strange Beauty)
http://www.good.is/post/prisoners-transform-through-knitting-behind-bars

I really liked this story:-) Even though some people do terrible things, I think most people can be rehabilitated and even if people are not safe yet for the outside world there are productive, enjoyable things they can do with their time.
unico_love: (Cat mask)
This doesn't make much sense to me... I'm assuming I would have to say 5 things aimed at 2 people? I'm just going to write five different things I want to say to five different people.

1. I don't understand you. Do you even possess a conscience?
2. I'm sorry for the nasty thing I said to you and the difficulties I have caused you. I really like and value you.
3. I know you have big dreams, but I think you need to be a bit more aware of reality. That doesn't mean you can't do anything meaningful, though.
4. I really like you and hope we can have a deep friendship.
5. Thank you so much for all you've done to help me. I'm sorry that I will probably need more help from you indefinitely. I am trying to be more independent, but I have limitations.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (Unico)
Someone compassionate, sensitive, loving, honest, childlike (but not childish), innocent, enjoys the same activities/interests as me, holds similar morals/ethics/values as me, creative, and forgiving.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (Cat mask)
How judgmental, self-absorbed, and cruel teenagers can be.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (Unico)
My mother's boyfriend inspires me to be open and kind, my mother inspires me to be independent and to be happy with simplicity, Michael inspires me to learn more, Amber inspires me to forgive.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (Snow White)
Michael's cousin is interested in purchasing some paintings from me, which she saw on my Facebook (I finally uploaded some art there). At first she asked if I sell my paintings, which made me cringe a little, because I think people think I'm too lazy to try and get my art out there (much like my writing, which I have gotten positive feedback from literary agents on). It's not that easy to make a living in the arts! Maybe a graphic designer or something would have a steady job, but I can't do that sort of work. I have sold some paintings, but not many, and I never once won an award at the local art league. That was a little frustrating, because not only my paintings, but many other paintings I thought were superb, didn't win awards (there are monthly art shows/competitions at the art league). I can't get accepted into some art contests. Though I recently missed the deadline for an art competition at a nearby library which I wish I had participated in.

I don't really mind getting suggestions and critiques that I can learn from, but when people are overwhelmingly negative and/or arrogant (one editor told me that no one could give me better advice than him... Full of himself much?) I really feel poorly about myself and feel like my work is no good. I used to want to win awards and have outward success, but I feel a lot less stressed just focusing on how expressing my creativity makes me feel good and relaxed. I write and paint/draw primarily for myself, though I do love compliments. One art major from my college, on Facebook, said my art "blew her away":-) That made me feel good.

I do like sharing my work and I like concrete feedback (knowing exactly what I can do to improve my work), but I dislike when people just barrage me with negativity or (from the opposite end) assume it would be easy for me to make a living doing some type of creative endeavor. I've written five novels that I consider decent and have edited, gotten feedback on, etc. but none of them are published. I was told by one agent that I needed to probably make my work more "commercial." I can't make my work "commercial" or fit certain molds, just like I can't network. I do my work straight from my heart and complete creative works *I* enjoy and that make me happy. Over time I have come to find more peace at just working on pieces and showing them to people I'm close to and just keeping up my work, trying to always improve.

I probably have about 100+paintings, endless drawings, around 600 poems, and 5 (not completely embarrassing) novels completed. I don't even have the files organized well on my computer:P Which is bad and frustrating... I came up with the idea of a modern retelling of The Lady of Shallot, but it was too triggering me after writing all the notes and starting to write the story, so it's on the back burner. I have a ton of short story ideas I'd like to work on soon. Poetry comes most naturally to me lately, though. I'm trying to get into the habit of painting more again, too. Some of my poetry is coming out in an ezine again. I would like to maybe also submit a short story I wrote and a friend helped me edit.

I do still sometimes feel bad about not accomplishing more externally since leaving school, but I try to focus on just improving my work. I also feel super guilty about not having a real, paying job. A lot of people do not understand my situation. Obviously these people don't know me too well, given the fact that I was a mess at school from day 1.
unico_love: (Unico)
Today Michael and I went to the ballet Don Quixote. It was really enjoyable and the ballet and music were all completely new to me. We had great seats since we ordered the tickets in January. Afterward we went to Wheaton and went to Whole Foods and shared a big chocolate cupcake from there. Michael also had a can of soda with sugar in it instead of high fructose corn syrup (he prefers sugar). Then we went to Borders and browsed and wrote down titles to look up on amazon. I think I will order two tonight -- one on healing from trauma and one (workbook) on anxiety and mindfulness. Ever since starting to do Dialectical Behavior Therapy on myself I've become more interested in mindfulness and Eastern religion and philosophy. I will never become a Buddhist, but I can learn a lot from Buddhism, Taoism, etc.

We went to the second (our first) Young Adults Group at the Unitarian Universalist Church. It went very well! We all introduced ourselves and said what our high point of the past month was, the low point, and who our hero for the past month was. We started out outside because no one had a key to the church, but then we got inside as it got colder and we chatted some more and ate popcorn and salsa with chips. Then we played a board game. Due to my anxiety around game playing (I am afraid of not understanding the rules of a game and appearing stupid), I sat out, but watching was fun. Michael participated. Then everyone helped clean up and was just talking again. The art show is tomorrow and all the art was out and I showed everyone my painting and they all gave lots of compliments.

As usual I got asked if I sell my art:P I hate that question because it's hard to sell art and it usually involves networking -- I can't network. I would rather be in poverty and painting only for myself rather than network. One guy there said he knew a woman who showed her art in her house four times a year and served food. I could never do that for a multitude of reasons... He also asked for my card (!) and I said I didn't have one, but directed him to my website. He said he knows lots of people who collect art. It's all very awkward for me because I feel like an amateur pretending to be better than she really is. Two of the guys asked me if I work in other mediums (like sculpture, etc.) and I said, no, just drawing and painting. Basic stuff. The one who asked for my card said there was nothing "basic" about my art and it was extremely good. That was nice to hear, though embarrassing. I used to feel more ambitious about my art and writing, but now I just want to express myself and hopefully some others will like my work, too.

I started feeling ready to go home because it was getting late and there was a lot I wanted to do before bed. We are going to church tomorrow morning and I need more sleep than most people do. I felt guilty because Michael was enjoying himself and would have liked to stay longer. I should have just stuck around awhile longer... Maybe next time I won't need to leave early. Even getting home earlier than we would have I feel too tired to finish priming the other side of my plywood (that I'm going to paint).

The painting I displayed in the art show was this one:

Ophelia by ~unico1313 on deviantART
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I just took my second dose of Ritalin LA. I have a lot left for this month, so I figured it was okay. It really does help my anxiety and mood... I should be happy, though, and usually I am now. Sometimes I even think I'm happier than average. I still self-monitor a lot -- constantly looking for any sign of anxiety or depression or fear. Then if I do notice it I start panicking:-/ Just too many years of too many bad emotions... Life is better now. I have to remember that. Also my pap smear test results came back normal so not another one of those horrible exams for two years! Yay!

I think I'm kind of the opposite of a nihilist. I think there is meaning in everything. When people ask questions like "What is the meaning of life?" I get very confused. It's not like I know a deeper truth than them -- I don't know an objective "meaning of life" on this earthly existence that stands true for everyone. I do think all of our existences have some kind of deeper purpose, but I don't know what it is, and I don't think one has to know that to have meaning and purpose in their life. Perhaps like in existentialism we have to create meaning in our lives. I would still count that as important. I do not just think we're useless, tiny dots existing for a moment in history, of no real value. I believe all things in the universe are sacred and divine. There's nothing wrong with being a little focused on yourself and understanding yourself and your life -- we're all sacred and valuable! Ants are just as important as humans who are just as important as any higher-up spirits or organisms that may exist/will exist. I am more hedonistic than I used to be -- I think we should all enjoy life to the fullest. Life is meant to be enjoyed and cherished. For me the ultimate meaning of life is to experience love and to love as much as possible. That is my main goal, as well as somehow making the world a better place in some small way. As Emily Dickinson said, "If I can save one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain." My views on ethics and spirituality are constantly evolving, but the core of who I am remains the same and probably so will my belief that love is of utmost value.

I have met so many creatures (including humans) that are so inspiring and great in some way or another -- I am learning so much. I am inspired always. Hopefully my self-criticism will die away and I will focus only on how I can improve instead of thinking of the ways in which I fail compared to other people. I've had great opportunities in life, too, and I have many wonderful people to turn to. Some of my past is hard to overcome, but I will keep trying.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
There was a post on a forum I visit about regrets and I mentioned I have many. I can be very hard on myself and feel shame easily if I make a mistake or misunderstand something. Therefore, I tend to regret mistakes and I also feel ashamed and humiliated at the same time. I'm trying to learn to take criticism and correction better. They can lead me to be a better person, if the advice is good. And everyone makes mistakes -- people probably aren't always looking down on me and thinking I'm stupid just for a little mistake. I guess I'm still quite insecure about myself. Just like I used to always cry over my appearance, feeling ugly, I also fear looking dumb. That's probably partly because people used to think I wasn't very intelligent when I was younger and more obviously autistic. Also I did lose a friend who thought I was "too dumb" for him (even though there was no evidence he was more intelligent). I want to just accept myself for who I am, including my flaws, and put myself out in front of people -- ready to take criticism and either ignore it or apply what I've learned from it (depending on how useful the criticism was).
unico_love: (Unico)
I'm putting this under a cut because I've been posting a lot here today. It's about our church meeting where a small group of people meet and talk about the church and fill out our pledge form for how much money we intend to donate June 2011-May 2012. They are called "cottage meetings."
About the Cottage Meeting )
unico_love: (Amalthea)
This describes my habit of overinvolvement with people well:
"Some of us are better at involving, or identifying. We know how to dive in deeply and experience life. We are capable of intimacy and do not avoid feeling states. This way of loving can be very fulfilling, but it has its drawbacks. We can get trapped in some dreadful melodramas or obsessive emotional preoccupations and not know how to get free. Living in drama can become an addiction. When this happens, we don't feel alive unless some crisis is going on. If we run out of personal dramas, we even take on others' problems as if they were our own! If this is your lesson, you may feel as if you're caught in an endless string of crises, unable to distinguish between what belongs to you and what you should allow to pass by."
-pg. 163, Psyche's Seeds
unico_love: (Cat mask)
I don't have a specific way I measure intelligence -- I just go off hunches and increase my estimate as I get to know someone. I think everyone is very intelligent in some way or another. I also think how "intelligent" you are can easily change over time, depending on various circumstances. Arrogance tends to make me focus on a person's flaws and makes them seem less intelligent to me than they probably would like me to view them. I'm often amazed by people who are very skilled in areas I am not.


365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (Unico)
This is a difficult question... For physical beauty I think piercing eyes, glowing skin, and healthy hair make people attractive. But in general, kindness, honesty, compassion, love, and hope make someone beautiful.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (crystal ball)
I find that I get irritated with people too easily. I tend to like people very easily and quickly, but I also can get frustrated pretty quickly (though I often don't express it). This can lead to rather confused feelings, though I still like people, overall, and try to ignore the incident that bothered me. I prefer people to not judge me and to give me some leeway to make mistakes or say improper things, so I should give the same allowances to people I interact with. I would like to be a more laidback person. I dwell on problems when I would like to just let them go. I need everything in life to be consistent even though that is impossible. I, myself, am not completely consistent and can be hypocritical, as much as I hate hypocrisy. I try to be self-aware, though, and notice when I'm being unkind or unfair or contradicting myself unnecessarily. Not everyone has to agree with me or think like me. I have to really come to terms with that. Also sometimes problems are just due to miscommunication. In some ways I communicate more easily than a lot of people, but I still reach points where I have no idea how to communicate to someone when we are struggling to understand each other.

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unico_love

August 2013

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