unico_love: Snow White (innocence unicorn)
Day 17 – Your favorite memory

When I was 2 years old and at my father's best friend's daughter's 5th birthday party. Night had fallen and country music was playing in the background. I was playing on the grass and in the drive way. There were fireflies. It seemed like a magical night.

Day 18 – Your favorite birthday

My eighth birthday when we went to a roller skating rink with girls I went to school with (who actually were a part of the We Hate Bridgett Club, but I still liked them, and were glad they came to my party). We had ice cream cake with chocolate cake and mint chocolate chip ice cream.

30 Day Meme List )
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I remember in Catholic school, for Valentine's Day, you could purchase heart-shaped lollipops to people you liked and during the day everyone's lollipops would be announced and handed out, saying who they were from. I don't believe this should be done in schools. I think it should be where a student has to either give a Valentine to every student in the class or none at all during school hours. It could be embarrassing to not get any (or very few) Valentine's. Sometimes they'd even be from people you weren't even friends with who seemed to pity you, expecting you wouldn't get any Valentine's. That could be the worst. Anyways, I just hate that and don't think it should be done. I hope the school has changed their policy on that...
unico_love: (Cat mask)
Michael and I have some differences in how we've felt about our past in relation to other people. We are about equally extroverted -- just more extroverted in different ways. Sometimes Michael feels like he always has to have outside social contact in-person (he says this is because he didn't have it as a child/teenager). I often don't need as much contact as him. Sometimes he will be more talkative than me, but sometimes that's the other way around. I am more trusting about people and open up easier than Michael (at least, for the most part). I often talk on behalf of both of us.

Michael also has a history of deep loneliness due to lack of friends and not being able to relate to people. I intensely miss people I'm already close to, but I don't usually feel "lonely" in and of itself. In fact, I'm not really sure what it's like to feel lonely other than missing concrete people who already exist in my life. And I'm pretty good at dealing with long-distance relationships or seeing each other less than most couples. I also often lacked friends and never had a boyfriend/girlfriend until college, but that didn't bother me. I resented my father for the fact that he was so dangerous and controlling so I couldn't really have a social life, but I didn't mind being by myself with few friends. My autism also made it hard to find friends I related to closely. Still, Michael was depressed in his youth and, despite the abuse I faced, I was not. I loved immersing myself in Sailor Moon. That was good enough for me. And I don't think I'm lying to myself or anything -- I just don't tend to get lonely. I was a mostly happy child when I wasn't being abused or overloaded. Until my first depressive episode at age 19 I was probably happier than the average person (and I know I was at age 18 when I was hypomanic).
unico_love: (sailor moon beauty)
Here is a picture of me with my new bangs (straight across this time). I haven't had bangs like this since high school! I had heavy bangs from the time I was a toddler until I was going to college. I associated them with my long awkward phase (age 11-18), so I was scared to try them again, but I like them:-) Though this picture isn't that flattering. Someone one personality cafe said I was "so, so beautiful" and another friend told me not to worry about my weight because I was beautiful/"hot" (not a word I usually associate myself -- I'm more used to "cute"). I'm feeling less upset about my weight right now. My mother helped.

Photobucket
unico_love: (childlike empress)
My brother and I were talking yesterday and we talked about bullying. It started as a conversation of how many kids now get bullied online and it seems like more children commit suicide due to bullying than they did when we were little (though that might be untrue). I talked about how I was bullied and it didn't really bother me. If it had been physical, it would have been a different issue, but it was just verbal and kids following me around chanting mean things, etc. In second grade this one girl hated me and started the "We Hate Bridgett Club" which all the girls in our class were in. It just confused me. I got out of class every day to help with the Kindergarten gym class (an attempt to improve my socialization skills) and I was allowed to bring a friend. The girl who hated me would want to get out of class so she'd ask to go with me and I would say yes. Considering how mean she was to me, I should have said no. However, I still trusted her and did not mind her as a person. Meanness and bullying was beyond my comprehension. Even in high school I was just baffled by it. My brother said I "let the enemy into the foxhole" which apparently is a saying he just made up, which I didn't realize. He seems to feel I like everyone, even when I have no reason to, and that I trust people I obviously shouldn't. I guess that's true... The only person I truly dislike is the sociopathic mother of an ex-boyfriend. She is the closest to "evil" I have ever seen. But a lot of the time now I just feel bad for her, because she can't be happy.
unico_love: (Amalthea)
I miss my father. That probably doesn't make a lot of sense, since I have PTSD due to him, but there were a lot of good times with him -- especially before he got totally crazy. Even after he got totally crazy he had his good times. He used to be close to our cat Riff Raff, a big semi-feral black cat. Riff Raff would yowl and rub against my father's legs as my father stood in the kitchen, listening to the radio and drinking beer. I guess those weren't fun times *for me*, but I find the fact that my father liked a cat to be endearing. We're also planning to go to Disney World (hopefully September, but possibly August so my brother can go to culinary school in the fall). My father always took us to Disney World. I feel guilty that the last few years we went I was cold to him and refused to ride with him and even convinced him not to go on a ride with us once. What he did was wrong, but he was mentally ill... I know he really did love all of us.
unico_love: (Default)
Crying when I forgot to do a homework assignment, having a tough teacher, being in the fourth grade play as a snowflake, throwing up during class, a favorite friend of mine moving to Canada.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (childlike empress)
Making new friends, doing more gymnastics, becoming more outgoing in certain situations, going to Disney World twice, having a nice teacher.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (childlike empress)
In second grade I remember taking gymnastics, playing with a lot of the same friends as in first grade, playing more video games, and watching lots of cartoons, including Tiny Toons.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (Default)
Crying everyday of class, going home sick from a stomach virus, not being able to breathe through my nose, playing Nintendo with my brother and mother, and forgetting my coat at recess and freezing, unable to ask to go get my coat.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (sailor moon beauty)
Probably 5th grade. I finally was ready for elementary school and getting used to how things were run. I did well in class and had friends. I wasn't bullied and was generally accepted for being weird (I was in a weird hippie phase back then). I really liked my teacher, too. This was also a little before my father went totally crazy. And before puberty, which I hated and which really upset me (puberty for me was like 12/13-16).

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: Snow White (innocence unicorn)
Meeting Amber for the first time, the day of move-in for college freshmen. Amber was in the room across from my roommate and me. Her parents were with her, hooking up her computer. My roommate and I went to talk to them and introduced ourselves, smiling and saying hi. Amber smiled, but said nothing. I found that peculiar. We talked to her parents instead. Apparently, though, Amber was surprised at how nice we seemed and she was happy to see us.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: Snow White (innocence unicorn)
236: what was your most memorable summer?

I'm not sure... Probably one of my early childhood summers where I did a lot with my family (parties, Disney World, etc.)

237: who from Full House do you relate to most?

Probably Danny Tanner (the father). I'm obsessive myself.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: Snow White (innocence unicorn)
230: what is your favorite memory from before the school age.

Age 2 and a few months, at my father's best friend's house for a party for his daughter's fifth birthday party. There were fireflies and country music playing from the garage. It was night and most people had left. I was standing in the driveway. I felt happy and at peace.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: Snow White (innocence unicorn)
Dear (me),
Enjoy every moment of life. Try not to take school so seriously. Just because people don't understand you and abuse/bully you doesn't mean you are bad. You are intelligent, just autistic with a peculiar brain. Life will get more difficult, but you will live through those difficulties.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (sailor moon beauty)
202: what did you do last Saturday?

Saw the Beauty and the Beast Disney play in Chicago and ate at Five Guys.

203: what is the last thing you had to save your money for?

I don't know. I usually have had enough money to pay for what is needed without consciously saving for it. However, I have very little money in my account at the end of each month. I do have to start saving money more for bills, the dentist (what I'm currently "saving" for), my regular doctor's appointment in March, and my eye appointment and contacts next summer (costs over $400 so I have to save up over time).

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (Amalthea)
It may sound strange, since I disowned him at age 13 and have PTSD because of him, but I miss my father. I have been coming across things online that I think he would find funny. He laughed a lot. And I miss the good memories with him, such as at Disney World. He was very charming and could be a lot of fun. I know he was in a lot of pain and probably had PTSD himself. He always said that "intelligence" and things like IQ's didn't matter (he scored very high at age 10 after learning to read at age 9 and everyone thought he was mentally retarded until that test). What mattered was working hard and doing your best. He said looks didn't matter and that cheerleading was silly (my aunt was a former cheerleader and thought I should become one). He thought modeling was also stupid and turned down being a model when he was a teenager. I have been asked to model a couple times for professional photographers, but I turned them down, which I'm sure would have made my father happy.

My father studied architecture in college, which I was also interested in as a child, though he dropped out of school. He was good at handling pressure and financial problems -- my mother gets too anxious and that makes me anxious. I know, realistically, my family is in a better financial position than probably the average person in the US right now, but finances are still so stressful. My father handled all the finances when he was alive. I don't think he was a bad person... just mentally ill. That doesn't excuse his behaviors, but it does show he wasn't an evil person at heart.

The girl leading the UU Young Adult Group said at the group that her father died 11 years ago -- my father died 10 1/2 years ago. She graduated high school a year after me, so she was probably around my brother's age when our father died when her father died. I kind of wanted to share that with her, but I didn't want to sound presumptuous or take away from her loss. Because I disowned my father years before he died and wasn't on good terms with him I sometimes think I was luckier than people whose parent died whom they were on good terms with. On the other hand, I feel I lost my father quite early and he was more of a ghost in my final years, so maybe my loss is as meaningful -- just different.
unico_love: (Unico)
Swimming at night in the Polynesian Resort Hotel pool at Disney World. There was Polynesian music emanating from the speakers under the water. It was very peaceful and I was very happy.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (Unico)
I found out about LiveJournal in autumn of 2001 when a friend from college showed me hers and wanted me to start my own. However, I was new to the internet and didn't "get it." I couldn't think of what I would write about (hah! How things have changed...). Eventually I started my LiveJournal in spring of 2004 after a bad break up when I was very lonely and had just been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (later changed to just "autism"). I wanted to join the asperger community and I was already reading the journals of some autistics (like [profile] moggymania). It gave me a social outlet when I was extremely isolated. I had never used internet forums, either, though I did use instant messengers by this point.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I was very happy in my early childhood until I started Kindergarten (age 5-6). Though I was still quite happy then -- just not in school. I didn't really have anxiety and loved my parents, even if they were sometimes abusive. I spent a lot of time drawing and watching cartoons. I played outside and was very attached to the neighborhood children, whom I still miss. Even in elementary school I would look back on my past and thought of age 4 as the happiest time in my life.

I was also very happy (though hypomanic from the start of my bipolar) when I was 18 and started college. My first semester of college was wonderful. I finally could have friends, my father wasn't around to be afraid of or cause problems, I enjoyed the classes, I felt less ugly (I had a makeover of sorts), I had fun meeting the new people and forming friendships. I loved our dorm and watching anime. I liked the cafeteria food (as did Amber, but apparently we were almost the only ones!). My professors treated me as if I were really smart, which was an ego booster. The classes were too easy, but that didn't bother me I too much at first. It bothered me more when I started having an existential crisis in my second semester. As my mother said, on the phone with me, even if we were in poverty I would have had a positive outlook and been happy. I feel like that optimism is more my "true" self than these crippling anxiety problems I deal with now.

365 Day Meme )

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August 2013

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