unico_love: (sailor moon beauty)
Today had its good points and its bad points. I felt super talkative and active until around 4:30pm, when the nightly anxiety set in. I was surprised, because usually it happens after sunset. I was panicking a lot, unsure if Michael and I should go to the church's Young Adult Group tonight. I took 1200mg Neurontin instead of 300 (because I'd also tried 600 and 900 in the past to no avail) to help my anxiety. While driving to YAG I decided I was too anxious to go sit there for a couple hours about how to be a more welcoming congregation to LGBTQ (is that right? I'm really off right now). I wish we had gone because Charlotte, the intern, is a very spiritual person we would like to talk to, especially since she's leaving in a few weeks. It sounds like few people went to YAG:( So I do feel guilty.

We went into Walmart (it was on the way to the church) and I bought Michael a pair of cheap pants as part of his Valentine's Day gift. We also bought other things... Like cookies>_> Of which I chose to partake in large quantities. My anxiety was so relieved that I could handle the maze of checkout at Walmart. That is rare for me! Then Michael stopped at a couple groceries stores (I stayed in the car reading). Then we put on Wayne's World 2 and played Scrabble. I started feeling woozy, almost certainly from the Neurontin. I intend to call my psychiatrist Monday night to ask him what I should do about the Neurontin/my anxiety. It worked great for a month, but then the night-time dose stopped working.

Tomorrow morning we are probably going to the Lutheran church I went to for Sunday school. It is super close and seems rather liberal (a female pastor, as well as a male one, sermons concerned about the environment, economic crisis, and how "The War on Terror" has just caused more problems, etc. I hope they are supportive of gay/queer rights. If they are then I can imagine myself getting comfortable at this church... Michael and I still relate to Christianity in some ways and the UU church has been lacking in spirituality. Church friends of ours feel the same way. If we start going to the Lutheran church we will still go to the UU church for certain services (Beltane is coming up!) I guess I feel like I'm a Christian-pagan in some ways. That is something I will have to dig into more.
unico_love: (sailor moon beauty)
Well I have decided what I am going to paint, partly thanks to my friend Maria. I'm going to paint bicyclists on a nature path. I did a pastel drawings of bicyclists in high school and won a cash prize for it. It will be a challenge with acrylic paints, but hopefully I can pull it off:-)

I started reading a fascinating book called Cloaked by the author of Beastly, Alex Flinn. I will read more of that tonight.

I've been spending a lot of time on Personality Cafe and PM'ing with one member about literature. She's the same super mature and intelligent 19 year old I mentioned before. I am inspired to read biographies on Emily Dickinson now. I've always related to her and adored her poetry and I'd like to see more about her. My mother used to compare me to Andy Warhol when teachers would complain about how difficult and sensitive I was, though upon reading biographies on him I don't really relate to him. I'm weird, yes, but a different kind of weird. Probably more of an Emily Dickinson weird;-)

I've also been editing more of my poems, some on my recovery from anorexia. Some are rather dark, but I like a lot of them, even in retrospect. They are very honest.

I became a little depressed tonight, but it's under control. I took extra Neurontin (not too much). It's helping. I think I'm still just a little ashamed and on-edge. I have this weird thing where I don't need everyone to like me, but I don't deal well when people think I'm a bad or mean person.:( It seems a lot more personal if someone thinks you're a bad person...
unico_love: (Strange Beauty)
I was really out of it last night! I kept thinking I was on Ambien because I felt so high, but, no, just Klonopin. I think my tolerance has decreased since I take it so (comparatively) rarely now. I did a lot of online shopping... My mother asked for a pretty hoodie like the kind I gave her at Christmas. She didn't ask me to buy her one -- just to find one for her that she could buy. I found a white one with red flowers on it on ebay, new, and I bought it. It was expensive with expensive shipping (shipping from Great Britain), but I was on Klonopin, so what did I care? At least I stopped, last minute, from ordering over $50 from Forever21 because shipping is free with a $50 purchase. I found a hoodie there, too, which is what led me to almost make the big purchase. I can't afford it, so thank goodness I backed out. I had some kind of issue getting the site to work properly. I also bought Michael his main Valentine's Day gift. I might need to start cutting my 2mg Klonopins in half... Which would make me happy to do!
unico_love: (sailor moon beauty)
I really do feel better after I exercise! I have been exercising lately when I get a bit anxious and it really helps. Also I dislike my body less when I exercise. It's easier than it used to be for me to focus on getting more toned instead of worrying about losing more weight. I'd like to get back to my "ideal weight" assigned to me by my doctors, but being in better shape is what I'm trying to concentrate on. I can never decide if weighing myself does more harm or more good. My inability to feel fullness while on Zyprexa makes it really hard for me to know if I'm eating too much and my body dysmorphia makes it hard for me to notice if I've gained or lost weight. I'd rather catch that I've gained a few lbs before I gain as much as I did October-November. For right now I'm not weighing myself, though. I'm too scared. I'm going to try to just keep eating healthier foods and a lot of protein.
unico_love: (yellow girl with rose)
Today is my first day without Ritalin LA and my appetite is insanely huge.:( I have more healthy foods to eat now, though. Michael went to the grocery store without me since it's huge sensory overload for me (he's mostly fine in a crowd as long as nobody is chewing gum or typing). I'm having the desire to eat when I'm not even hungry. I just ate an apple and a bunch of tomatoes... I will be having a hamburger for dinner, with ketchup. Michael is making the hamburgers now.

Despite all the eating, my stomach is still a bit upset. I don't know if I will complete The Thirty Day Shred tonight. If I don't, I will at least do stretching exercises.

I also really want to do a tarot reading tonight. Painting and editing my poems went fine. I've watched all The Facts of Life other than their trip to Paris, though I will check youtube, etc. for it later. I also would like to catch up in the My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic series. I'm also going to do more reading. I have the latest manga of Neon Genesis Evangelion: The Raising Shinji Ikari Project to read. Not to mention several books from Christmas...
unico_love: (Hotaru with umbrella)
My nausea from Zoloft was bad this morning. I actually dreamed about the nausea I was feeling. I took a Zofran and it probably helped. Still, a few hours later I started feeling really sick during The 30 Day Shred. So I'm going to try to workout later in the day when my stomach is doing better. I also will paint soon.

This is what I want to accomplish today:
-Complete my 30 minute workout
-Work on my painting
-Edit at least 10 poems
-Email friends
-Go to the grocery store (need produce, eggs, and possibly yogurt, as well as water for the cats)
-Clean the litterboxes
-Refill my humidifier
-Watch Kobato with Michael
-Clean the bathroom
unico_love: (Cat mask)
Well my anxiety was back this morning, so I gave in and took Ritalin LA. A few hours later I felt anxious again so tried L-Tryptophan and it helped! It generally does help if I'm on an empty stomach (or close to it), but I usually eat so much on Zyprexa it's never a good time to take L-Tryptophan. I'm going to call my psychiatrist tonight. Also I've been nauseated today...

I really need to write poetry again... I've just been editing my poems (very slowly). I also need to paint today, but I keep putting off because I'm nervous I will mess up the background. I will try and work on it now, though.
unico_love: (Hotaru with umbrella)
My facial cost more than I expected (I guess my price last time was only for first-time visitors) and I was talked into buying toner for sensitive skin. I hope the toner helps... I have very dry skin with big red patches near my nose. The facial felt good, at least. I might invest in a more expensive moisturizer for dry skin to use at night, while using my regular spf 30 Eucerin in the morning. I also have stupidly been using an exfoliating scrub every night and that's probably irritating my skin. While my skin is like this I will try to stick to just Cetaphil (a very mild cleanser).

I don't feel too bad about all that because I owed less on my credit card than I expected. I also bought an expensive book on amazon (used). It's like the female version of "The Hero's Journey" with lots of discussion of fairy tales. I have some books I should probably start reading tonight... I have been so lazy lately.

Also I'm bloated again today, though not as badly as yesterday. I'm thinking Zoloft is the culprit because I wasn't having any bloating issues before I started it. So I'm going to start taking Zoloft at night instead of in the morning to see if I can sleep through the bloating. Of course, that didn't work with my old birth control pills, but it's worth a try.

I'm Sick

Oct. 21st, 2011 01:45 pm
unico_love: (Amalthea)
I'm sick:( It's just a cold or something. I have a very sore throat. I felt hot, but now I kind of have chills. I'm supposed to go to the church tomorrow morning to help clean and then in the afternoon we were going to go to a few supposedly haunted locations with a church friend and his girlfriend. I might have to skip all that unless I feel much better tomorrow:( Oh well...

I talked to my psychiatrist last night and he's going to write up Ritalin LA prescriptions for me and Michael will pick them up. I'm also going to try increasing the Latuda. Michael's also probably going to the Japanese Market with his friend Dan. That food sounds so good... I'm struggling to read a young adult book called Grace because it's a dystopian that doesn't give you a lot of information right away on how the world operates so I have to concentrate harder than usual. I will try to finish it today.

Easter

Apr. 24th, 2011 10:10 pm
unico_love: (childlike empress)
Today went well, overall. I had trouble waking up and getting up this morning, which made me nauseated. I wore a nice pink dress today that I assumed was too small for me since I used to wear it when I was underweight, but it still fits. Michael and I exchanged Easter baskets (we gave each other much candy and I gave him a book, which made him decide to buy me a book). Then we went to church and were almost late. It was a really nice service about caring for the earth and caring for other people. Two Michael Jackson songs were done and there were children's drawings of love and earth from the projector. The children's choir sang. There was an excerpt from The Velvetine Rabbit (which we are also using in our commitment ceremony). I returned the book I borrowed and borrowed a dvd of the service I missed in March on Transcendentalism and Buddhism.

Then we ate lunch at my mother's house. She cooked a lot. Michael and Tommy (my brother) played a Mario Bros. game in the living room. I didn't try playing because the newer Mario games are too hard for me:( Then later this evening Michael and I watched Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind. It just ended.

I did have a bit of an anger problem/panic attack at Walmart, but took a Klonopin to control it. Maybe I should have waited longer before taking medication, but I didn't feel like I could restrain myself from lashing out. I'm calm now and will probably go to sleep soon.
unico_love: (Delight)
Yesterday night was quite busy. During the day I mostly read and looked at a forum online. Someone was harassing me there:( It was incredibly stressful and I needed to take Klonopin. I don't know how people can think cyber-bullying is less painful than regular bullying. The internet feels "real" to me, certainly. And I'm still so emotionally fragile... If someone told me to kill myself I would probably think that's what I should do. I know that sounds terrible and irrational. I still put too much weight on what other people think of me and I don't have much self-worth yet, though that is slowly getting better.

Last night Michael and I went with Dan to the Music Box Theatre in Chicago to see the new Neon Genesis Evangelion movie. It was subtitled, which was nice. However, the listing online said the movie was at 8:45pm and really it was at 9:45pm! So after we bought our tickets (only $5 for Monday nights!) we went to the nearby Dairy Queen and had ice cream. Then they closed at 9pm and we went back to the theater. I read a bit (Scandinavian folktales) and a friend of Dan's arrived at the theater with his roommate, so they talked to Dan and Michael until the movie started. I was so worried it would be sold out and crowded, but there was hardly anyone there! They didn't even collect our tickets because they knew all of us hanging around had bought our tickets. The movie was shown in the bigger theater and it was beautiful! It's an old theater. Supposedly it's haunted, too (I think by a previous owner? He's supposed to be a friendly spirit). The film was very good and I was actually able to concentrate on it for the whole two hours! Maybe the Klonopin helped my attention span. Also I didn't have distractions around me. Also on Mondays it's buy one drink get one free or buy one popcorn get one free, so Michael gave me his extra popcorn. I generally dislike popcorn that isn't homemade (I only like it without salt and without butter -- completely plain), but I was quite hungry so I ate it all.

I was very tired after the movie and glad to get back home. I felt a bit ill and just hurried up and took my Miralax and medications and went to bed. I felt sick this morning, too. I'm feeling much better now. Michael may go with Dan to "Japan Night" at a bar tonight -- it's where they have Japanese bands play at a bar. I did enjoy one bar that played live music, so maybe I would like Japan Night, but I think I will be staying home.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I just took my second dose of Ritalin LA. I have a lot left for this month, so I figured it was okay. It really does help my anxiety and mood... I should be happy, though, and usually I am now. Sometimes I even think I'm happier than average. I still self-monitor a lot -- constantly looking for any sign of anxiety or depression or fear. Then if I do notice it I start panicking:-/ Just too many years of too many bad emotions... Life is better now. I have to remember that. Also my pap smear test results came back normal so not another one of those horrible exams for two years! Yay!

I think I'm kind of the opposite of a nihilist. I think there is meaning in everything. When people ask questions like "What is the meaning of life?" I get very confused. It's not like I know a deeper truth than them -- I don't know an objective "meaning of life" on this earthly existence that stands true for everyone. I do think all of our existences have some kind of deeper purpose, but I don't know what it is, and I don't think one has to know that to have meaning and purpose in their life. Perhaps like in existentialism we have to create meaning in our lives. I would still count that as important. I do not just think we're useless, tiny dots existing for a moment in history, of no real value. I believe all things in the universe are sacred and divine. There's nothing wrong with being a little focused on yourself and understanding yourself and your life -- we're all sacred and valuable! Ants are just as important as humans who are just as important as any higher-up spirits or organisms that may exist/will exist. I am more hedonistic than I used to be -- I think we should all enjoy life to the fullest. Life is meant to be enjoyed and cherished. For me the ultimate meaning of life is to experience love and to love as much as possible. That is my main goal, as well as somehow making the world a better place in some small way. As Emily Dickinson said, "If I can save one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain." My views on ethics and spirituality are constantly evolving, but the core of who I am remains the same and probably so will my belief that love is of utmost value.

I have met so many creatures (including humans) that are so inspiring and great in some way or another -- I am learning so much. I am inspired always. Hopefully my self-criticism will die away and I will focus only on how I can improve instead of thinking of the ways in which I fail compared to other people. I've had great opportunities in life, too, and I have many wonderful people to turn to. Some of my past is hard to overcome, but I will keep trying.
unico_love: (crystal ball)
Today was a long day of errands and we got lost at first, so I'm glad I took Klonopin before we left. Doing a lot of driving and running a lot of errands gives me bad anxiety. I stayed pretty calm. Michael had problems at the post office because people were chewing gum and it was making his OCD crazy. He bought me a biscuit at Brown's Chicken and a junior mocha milkshake at Steak n' Shake<3 I felt a bit dizzy and nauseated for awhile, such as when we were looking around the mall after exchanging a sweater Michael received for Christmas that was too small. We also stopped at Walmart, Target, and Toys R' Us. I saw the pink Memorex dvd player I wish I had (though it may not be region-free like mine is). I didn't see the thick, soft blankets I saw yesterday and greatly desired. What I can find from their online store are less expensive blankets... Still called microplush, though. I like how they have cheap sheets now that are flannel or fleece or jersey material. If I need new sheets I will buy another set like that. We also stopped at the library to drop off books and pick up two on Japan. I'm going to try and look forward to the idea of maybe visiting Japan instead of just feeling utter terror. Oh yes, and we went to another Steak n' Shake by the mall later on so I could order chili mac<3 Which seemingly grosses everyone out but me:P
unico_love: (Default)
Well I don't think I'm hypomanic. I'm pretty sure it was just happiness + anxiety. I was really stressed today and I wrote out my list of presents to buy for birthdays and Christmas, with links, price listings, and the month I intend to buy the gift. That organization helped a little. Michael arrived and also helped clean up the house, which is nice. I'm reading a book now called Click: The Magic of Instant Connections and I like it, though I keep thinking about my "instant clicking" relationships that turned out really bad:-/ I have to focus on my good relationships... I wrote a poem about stress and I'm going to paint a little bit tonight. Painting relaxes me. I have been taking Klonopin again, but not every day, and still less than I am prescribed. Hopefully I will keep getting better about my anxiety and obsessions. I think I am on the right track. I've also been a bit overloaded today, and Michael went to the grocery store to leave me alone for a little bit. I also turned off the music. I already feel calmer.
unico_love: (Amalthea)
Despite doing well, I'm terrified my severe anxiety will return. I guess I'm anxious about getting anxious... I'm afraid I'm going to suddenly have a panic attack for no reason or to slip back into my obsessions. I'm not taking Klonopin, but I'm on-edge because I'm afraid. I also feel bad because I just bought a manga I didn't realize had been released (vol. 5 of The Shinji Ikari Raising Project of Neon Genesis Evangeion. It only cost $10, but I don't have much money right now and I'm waiting to see if my overnight hospital bill will come in this month. I have no idea how much it will cost or when the bill will arrive. I want to have enough money to cover that. If this wasn't lingering over my head I wouldn't feel so guilty for buying the manga. I did withdraw money from my account that I'm going to try to use for all in-person purchases this month, if it lasts. I withdrew it mostly to buy gifts at the Ginza Festival (this weekend's Japanese festival in Chicago), but I also need to use it to pay for medications, Miralax, and things like that. I know I shouldn't worry too much, because I can borrow money from my mother or Michael and if I'm careful I should be all right, but I hate dealing with finances.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
Today I wasted too much time online, then went to the mall to buy a skirt from Aeropostale that was on sale. I didn't buy it yesterday because I was on Klonopin and that makes me think it's a good idea to buy everything, so I bought nothing to be cautious. In all honesty I shouldn't be buying anything since I have my eye dilation and psychiatrist appointment next week, but the skirt only cost $15 and I don't have a summer skirt that is shorter (just a longer one that I can't even find).

I feel guilty because I didn't do two things my mother asked before I left home: 1. Turning off the air-conditioning (she just turned it up to 80 -- not off altogether) and 2. Putting the bag of salt in the water-softener. And my mother hurt her back today! I feel bad for her.

While at the stores today I started having a full-blown panic attack, I think triggered just by autistic overload. I took a Klonopin at Walmart. Too many people and too much chaos. Check out at stores is torture to me. Then Michael bought me two miniature pizzas. One I ate for lunch/dinner and one I'm saving for tomorrow. He's so nice to me! Next time I will buy him pizza.

Amber and I are finally talking on msn! I'm not sure what the problem was, but we had problem getting each other to show up on our Windows Live/msn screens. We got it working and we're chatting now. Hopefully we will use the microphones soon.

Aside from panicking, my day is going pretty well, overall. I'm going to start reading soon. And I need to find that Xena episode where Gabrielle is a concubine or something and does an alluring dance and Xena is in some kind dungeon there... I simply can't figure out which episode it is and I want to watch it:-/
unico_love: (Unico)
Today I've been feeling really excited about Disney World. I can't wait to go and I'm making all these plans. I wonder if my bipolar isn't really under control yet, because I was really upset and anxious yesterday and I'm really excited today. I don't usually rapid (or ultra rapid) cycle, but I have done that whenever I go off Zyprexa (probably more just me getting used to being off that medication). It is quite hot today and it rained a lot, which I like. Michael and I just went out. I wasted money buying a (small) mocha from Caribou Coffee, but it was good and I really wanted it. Now I'm very full. I'm still excited about Disney World:D I even want to move to Florida with my mother (who wants to move to Florida), but Michael doesn't want to:-( I would love to get a season pass for Disney World, but you have to be a Florida resident. I'm trying to tell Michael how exciting it is, and how paying for the Polynesian Resort is worth it, but he doesn't think it will amaze him the way it does me because, unlike me, he hasn't been going since his infancy. Now we're going to watch X-Files. I wrote one letter today and I will write two more letters later today. I also have to print out pictures.
unico_love: (crystal ball)
From: http://www.tenthousandquestions.com/2010_03_01_archive.html
Think different
If you could upgrade your own brain like a computer, which would be a bigger help: more memory, or a faster thought processor? If you could add one premium package of software to gain a special skill, what might that software be called?


Since I often get racing thoughts I'm not sure if having a faster thought processor would be good... Though maybe I'd be able to drive if I could react quickly and I'd be able to confront people about things more immediately instead of letting a lot of time passing sometimes when someone is inappropriate. On the other hand, sometimes I jump and get really upset instead of thinking things through first. I used to have a great memory, but it's gone now (I think because of Zyprexa). So I will say more memory would be good so I wouldn't need to keep rechecking things and would remember the books I read and so on.

For a special skill I'd like to offset my sensitivity with a barrier that makes my moods and feelings not so easily influenced by the feelings and opinions of others. I would just happily ignore people who were unkind or rude. I could take the constructive criticism while not being upset by the insults or rudeness. I sometimes get a lot of anxiety over reading emails or talking with someone who is a bit judgmental or blunt. Though sometimes I'm blunt, so I don't get mad about people being blunt.

Memories

May. 12th, 2010 07:01 pm
unico_love: (crystal ball)
From: http://www.tenthousandquestions.com/2009_05_01_archive.html
Memories
How clear are your memories? Some people remember many instances from different periods in their life, while others only have a few stories from their past that they can remember in great detail. Are your memories vivid, or do you only still have the barest outlines of events that have occurred to you?

What is your earliest memory?

My memories of my more distant past are very vivid, as are some more recent memories, but Zyprexa (the medication I take for bipolar) seriously ruined my memory. I forget really important things or emotional things since going back on it in 2008, and I find my former almost-photographic memory very flawed now. My childhood memories are mostly still very vivid, including all kinds of sensory and visual memories that seem rather artistic and confusing to others probably if I could recreate them. I remember my second birthday (and my mother vomiting from morning sickness from my younger brother that day), but I also think I have some memories from even before then. That one was the easiest to confirm.
unico_love: (Cat mask)
LiveJournal is acting up for me, but so is the whole internet. It just seems now everything but LiveJournal is working again. I hope to finish reading Wizard and Glass today (I've just been reading about 100 pages a day of Stephen King's books). Michael and I will do the typical daily things we do, but I don't know if there's also something else we will do. If it's not too cold I'd like to go bike riding. I also intend to do more stretching, like last night. I don't really feel more flexible yet, but hopefully that will come. I wish my anxiety would stay away. Even when things are going well I feel anxious; I think this is because I've spent years being very anxious over select people and it's very difficult to let that pattern go. I feel a lot more kind and accepting when my anxiety is under control. It actually takes a whole lot for me to dislike a person usually (though usually when I dislike a person I seethe in anger...). I feel so much calmer and able to think clearly when my anxiety is controlled by my medications. Ideally I'd like to be able to cope with anxiety on my own, but it's still too severe and I need my life to feel more stabilized.

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