unico_love: (childlike empress)
I'm feeling depressed about my life. I've accomplished so little in the past year other than stay alive. I've had symptom after symptom pop up. Abnormal test result followed by abnormal test result with no "real" answer. Nothing that connects the dots. When I get my dizzy spells, Michael worries what they mean. My brother and mother were hoping for a tumor in the pituitary gland. Hoping for a tumor... How low do you have to sink for that? My mentality is way off. I like the internet, but don't get enjoyment the way I used to out of in-person socializing. I don't feel like sending emails, though, either. I have nothing to say. I do nothing that would interest other people. My main enjoyment comes from helping other people and giving to other people. Hence, Project Snow makes me happy. Helping a loved one less fortunate who could benefit not only financially from me, but from my knowledge of things like make up and clothing, etc.

I'm reading a book right now and it says how everything is conscious. You can incarnate as literally anything and reincarnate as anything. It's like, I've thought this since I was 11 years old. I've prayed for the souls of living and non-living things for many, many years. People need a book on it? I get people have different beliefs, but this stuff is so ingrained in my heart. I'm feeling less desire to be partnered (who knows? Maybe that's just my lack of libido). I wouldn't mind becoming a nun, but I do not agree with the Catholic church. Maybe Buddhist? I am ready to take a vow of poverty and a vow of celibacy. I no longer feel fit for this world. At times that scares me and I think I'm going to die soon, having finished with this life. I feel like I've already lived through so much and learned so much from everything.

This sickness leaves me feeling haunted. My body is disjointed, not interacting properly with the environment. It is not running well. Neither is my mind, personality, or spirit. I am full of love for everyone. That is the one thing intact. I am bursting with love. I feel quite strange.
unico_love: (Strange Beauty)
Day 29: Some people believe in never being serious. Some people believe in taking everything seriously. Let's assume that both groups of people are bringing something important to the table. How can you take nothing and everything seriously at the same time? How might this benefit you?

Know that you can never know everything and all plans might go awry -- we are not omniscient. We are very much fallible beings, and the happiest way to approach this is with laughter. However, treat everything and everyone with respect, because there is value in everything. Treating life this way would make my life feel more worthwhile, while less stressful.

30 Day Self-Esteem Meme )
unico_love: (Strange Beauty)
“It’s not that I literally think I’m a faerie. It’s just that I feel so different from most people. And this idea of a race living underground in caverns, spending all their days dancing and playing the fiddle and eating flowers and reciting poetry and sharing their dreams, that to me sounds much more real than the way people live in this world, hating and fighting and wanting and hurting.” - Francesca Lia Block
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I'd probably be disappointed that I never finished school (I don't even have a GED -- I was eventually homeschooled/tutored and was accepted into colleges more based on my SAT/ACT scores). I never got a job, let alone a good or interesting one. I developed mental illness that caused me a lot of pain. Things would never be fixed with my father. There would be financial difficulties. But there would be good things, too... I just think more subtle things, so my initial reaction to my current life would likely be disappointment.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (crystal ball)
Highs: Going to the planetarium and Field Museum with Michael and Izzy
Lows: Emotional issues due to my bipolar and anxiety

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (Unico)
Right now my purpose is just to creatively express myself, love others, do good in the world, be happy, and make others happy.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (crystal ball)
1. Trust your instincts when it comes to people.
2. Just because I worry about something doesn't mean that what I'm worrying about is likely to come true.
3. More people care about your compassion more than how "perfect" you are.
4. Forgiveness doesn't mean having the person you forgive back in your life.
5. Most people won't understand me well and that's okay.
6. Everyone has some goodness in them.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (red rose girl)
This seems like the kind of question that would really very person-to-person. For me living is being happy, enjoying life, being active in your life, feeling connection to other beings in the world, and making the best of opportunities in your life. Existence is more just being a living being (or even non-living being) and existing in a state of "being," but without really experiencing all life has to offer.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (yellow girl with rose)
All living and non-living things are sacred, so treat them with respect and compassion.
365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (childlike empress)
-"Anytime we undergo an initiation, we experience a death of our previous identity. When we come through the other side, it's as if we were a new creature, emerging gloriously from the primordial ooze that was our former life. Shaking off the muck and the fear, we turn our face to the sun and move forward boldly in our new skin. After the initiation of death, we no longer identify with the circumstances that used to seem so very important. The new self has a wisdom the old self lacked. When you are resurrected, you realize you have a sacred power to participate in making your world a paradise."
-pg. 173, Illumination: The Shaman's Way of Healing, by Alberto Villoldo
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I just took my second dose of Ritalin LA. I have a lot left for this month, so I figured it was okay. It really does help my anxiety and mood... I should be happy, though, and usually I am now. Sometimes I even think I'm happier than average. I still self-monitor a lot -- constantly looking for any sign of anxiety or depression or fear. Then if I do notice it I start panicking:-/ Just too many years of too many bad emotions... Life is better now. I have to remember that. Also my pap smear test results came back normal so not another one of those horrible exams for two years! Yay!

I think I'm kind of the opposite of a nihilist. I think there is meaning in everything. When people ask questions like "What is the meaning of life?" I get very confused. It's not like I know a deeper truth than them -- I don't know an objective "meaning of life" on this earthly existence that stands true for everyone. I do think all of our existences have some kind of deeper purpose, but I don't know what it is, and I don't think one has to know that to have meaning and purpose in their life. Perhaps like in existentialism we have to create meaning in our lives. I would still count that as important. I do not just think we're useless, tiny dots existing for a moment in history, of no real value. I believe all things in the universe are sacred and divine. There's nothing wrong with being a little focused on yourself and understanding yourself and your life -- we're all sacred and valuable! Ants are just as important as humans who are just as important as any higher-up spirits or organisms that may exist/will exist. I am more hedonistic than I used to be -- I think we should all enjoy life to the fullest. Life is meant to be enjoyed and cherished. For me the ultimate meaning of life is to experience love and to love as much as possible. That is my main goal, as well as somehow making the world a better place in some small way. As Emily Dickinson said, "If I can save one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain." My views on ethics and spirituality are constantly evolving, but the core of who I am remains the same and probably so will my belief that love is of utmost value.

I have met so many creatures (including humans) that are so inspiring and great in some way or another -- I am learning so much. I am inspired always. Hopefully my self-criticism will die away and I will focus only on how I can improve instead of thinking of the ways in which I fail compared to other people. I've had great opportunities in life, too, and I have many wonderful people to turn to. Some of my past is hard to overcome, but I will keep trying.
unico_love: (Cat mask)
"As long as our own serenity, safety, and security are based on someone's fidelity to us, we remain in that person's power."
-Daring to Trust, pg. 65
unico_love: (crystal ball)
I think I learn both from the good and the bad probably about equally, in the long run. However, I make a very strong effort to learn from the bad and often I don't learn the first time around when something bad happens (that something bad usually has to happen over and over for me to learn from it). I also spend a lot of time suicidal or depressed or self-loathing before I can gain enough distance from the problem and learn in a productive way. I find learning from good experiences far more rewarding and I learn more quickly. Good experiences give me inner strength and positive memories to hold onto. I remain more optimistic, including about my own life, and find it easier to help other people. I imagine some bad experiences are necessary under some circumstances... There are probably things I have learned from bad experiences that would be more difficult to learn from good experiences.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (crystal ball)
Hmm, I would say often being a bit spoiled in childhood/youth compared to other generations, but having a more difficult time transitioning to the work force due to the economy, and, therefore, many young people remain more financially dependent on their parents or live at home longer than what used to be the case. Also a generation of rapidly increasing/improving technology, but we can still remember before the internet came around.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I really want to work on being more optimistic about my own life. I tend to be optimistic when it comes to other people and situations unrelated to me, but I worry over all things to do with me specifically. I try to prepare for the worst, though worrying doesn't usually prepare me for bad things to happen -- it just amplifies my feelings of helplessness when things do go wrong. Due to the overload I experience with autism, I may always feel overload in some situations (crowds, stores, large social situations, etc.) and I may feel awkward having to do small talk while not really knowing how to do it. Medications often helps those situations to some extent (Ritalin LA especially).

However, I have to control my more generalized anxiety with specific worries. Lately it has been a fear of my mother dying; I am still very reliant on her and, due to my disabilities, I probably will be until my mother is too sick or old to help. I hope to take care of her if she does get sick at some point and I would love to have her live with us in such a situation. I really don't want my mother to die... I'm very attached to her in many different ways. Worrying about the situation won't help any, though. People eventually die; it is an inevitability.

I want to enjoy life and appreciate living in the moment instead of obsessing about what happened or what could happen. My life is, overall, quite good. I am very fortunate in many ways and I do feel that way. I just worry about losing everything. I want to trust the universe in God. I can get through any difficulty. Sometimes there will be struggles, but I can still make the best of the situation, learn from it, continue loving and find happiness in all the little things going right. I want to learn to be more easy-going. I may always be a planner and a cautious person, but I can find ways to relax and be more accepting of reality, instead of always feeling like I have to fight reality.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I believe that all living and nonliving beings have love at their core. All of us have a divine spark in us which is filled with love. Loving is our truest nature. We sometimes get away from that and act in unkind ways, but I believe eventually all beings will return to love.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I do not remember where I've heard it, but I've heard it numerous times -- "Live today like it might be your last." Especially since my father died I've been aware of how suddenly people can die, how suddenly you can die. You should enjoy your life and make the best of it while you have it. Live life without regrets and don't hold grudges. Forgive people and be happy. Live out your dreams.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (Unico)
The Fantastic Adventures of Unico has been a favorite movie of mine since I was extremely young and it influenced how I think about people and interact with them. At college I made all my friends watch the movie. I've written posts about it in the past. The movie helped me see the good in people, even in people who superficially aren't that likable. I thought I could make everyone my friend just by expressing love. Sometimes when I have to part from someone I love I am reminded of how Unico always has to leave the friends he has made and go on to help other people. Since this movie is from so early in my life I don't know if it has "changed" me as much as "shaped" me.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (Unico)
I would make the world a less painful place for everyone and everything. If suffering must be a part of life in this world, which it seems like it is (or at least pain is, if you believe suffering to be unnecessary continuation of pain), I would minimize it as much as possible. I would make people more easily able to understand and be empathetic with each other and with all living and non-living things. People would work to help take care of the earth instead of destroying it. People would, in all ways, be less selfish and love more.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (crystal ball)
Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Taking this literally, I guess I could live without anyone, as long as there were still other people around. And I could live without anything other than food, water, shelter, etc. But I would find it very difficult to live without someone who could help me (the way Michael and my mother do). I can't live independently. So that's very important, though there are various people who could fill this role for me. And I would find it very difficult to live without love, both having people to love and being loved in return. I was very isolated in adolescence and couldn't get really close to friends due to my family situation and I wasn't close to my family. That was hard, though I wasn't depressed. I was just dissociated. I don't think I could do that again, though. People are too important to me.


30 Day Meme )

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August 2013

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