unico_love: (Delight)
Today I was not very anxious. I did feel like fainting when I woke up, though. My head felt heavy and cold, my hands felt cold. Upon standing, I swayed and saw black. So after breakfast (oatmeal) and not feeling better, I had some chicken, which helped very quickly. It had been a couple days since I'd had meat. I'm super reliant on it. I'm going to try rice and beans since it's supposed to also be a complete protein. I felt tired from the Valerian I took earlier and laid down in bed for awhile. I finished reading a book. I felt steady enough to shower and afterwards I was freezing cold.

I received Cinderella the dvd/Blu-ray combo in the mail today, as well as my neuro/cardio bill. I was charged nothing for neuro, presumably because I had Medicaid as well as Medicare then. I was charged $80 for cardio, after I was taken off Medicaid. I just paid the bill to not deal with the hassle, though I hope I get re-approved for Medicaid. I think with my bank statement I have a good chance.

Michael and Dan went on a trip up to eastern Wisconsin, just past the Illinois border, looking at a bunch of stores. I was picked up by our friend Kat and brought to her condo where a group was playing Scrabble and Bananagrams and I watched (by choice). We talked and I had peppermint tea and we ate veggie pizza. I ate three pieces. I don't know why I didn't get full sooner... And now I'm paying for it with bad gas -- bloated and abdominal cramping. I'm drinking more peppermint tea to see if that helps.

Now I'm back at home, drinking tea, about to take my meds, and I've turned on the heat to 68 degrees. I'm probably going to sleep in the clothes I'm wearing and just take my bra off and wear lots of layers (I'm wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt, thermal leggings, lounge pants, as well as a fleece sweater. It's probably about time to wash and put away the new jersey sheets and put on the old flannel sheets. Then eventually the fleece.

My goals for tomorrow:
-Pick up clutter
-Put old vacuum into my brother's car, as well as other recyclable electronics
-Rearrange bookshelves and get rid of more books possibly
-Work on CBT book
-Watch movie
-Back up everything onto my external hard drive
-Clean the litterboxes
-Email/Internet stuff
-See if I have any more clothes to get rid of
-Put away/break down boxes

I've broken a couple rules and bought myself 2 $0.01 books from amazon.com the past 2 days. They require $3.99 shipping, so really it's $8.00. I already have books to read!>_< I'm also craving clothes, but I just bought clothes. So maybe this is less superficial of me? We can only hope... I also finished buying Michael's birthday presents and paid my hospital bill and ambulance bill. I paid rent and credit card and netflix. My major bills in waiting that are unavoidable: electric, gas, Valium, and cat food. Other things I will spring for are: food/coffee out with friends and the pumpkin farm. Maybe I will find myself up to buying some Christmas presents early. Who knows? I will wait until later in the month in case of more unexpected bills before I buy anything unnecessary and unexpected. I'd love to use my credit card barely at all so next month I have more money in my checking account and can pay back my $80 for the external hard drive back to my packet of savings. That would be a good start on my quest for saving. A quest that mostly will have to wait until after Christmas.
unico_love: (red rose girl)
So I've been having inertia and motivation problems lately. Here are my goals for today:
-Read more A Kiss in Time
-Edit 10 poems
-Go on a walk
-Do a tarot reading
-Paint more of the background of my painting

Not very much! I should be able to handle it!
unico_love: (Delight)
I'm mad at myself for not getting done what I want to do. I spend too much time looking at random things online. I still haven't exercised because of my stomach. I'm hoping late this afternoon my nausea will be gone so I can exercise. I went to bed pretty early last night. I just felt really tired. Today I'm going to do tarot and meditate, read my new book (The Thorn and the Blossom by Theodora Goss), edit poems, and paint. I just took my shower not long ago. I think I will start with editing poems...
unico_love: (Hotaru with umbrella)
My nausea from Zoloft was bad this morning. I actually dreamed about the nausea I was feeling. I took a Zofran and it probably helped. Still, a few hours later I started feeling really sick during The 30 Day Shred. So I'm going to try to workout later in the day when my stomach is doing better. I also will paint soon.

This is what I want to accomplish today:
-Complete my 30 minute workout
-Work on my painting
-Edit at least 10 poems
-Email friends
-Go to the grocery store (need produce, eggs, and possibly yogurt, as well as water for the cats)
-Clean the litterboxes
-Refill my humidifier
-Watch Kobato with Michael
-Clean the bathroom
unico_love: (sailor moon beauty)
Today has gone pretty well, though Michael is sick, which lowers his tolerance of his sensory issues. For instance, in church today Michael had to leave towards the end, not because of gum chewing (like usual), but because of sniffling. Though he himself was sniffling, incidentally. We came home right after church.

I've been spending a lot of time online and finished reading In the Name of Honor by Richard North Patterson, our book for church book club.

This is what I want to accomplish tonight:
-Doing The 30 Day Shred
-Painting (for a short while)
-Watching Kobato or Jem
-Call Amber
-Do a tarot reading
-Edit poems

I will probably do the tarot reading first...

I'm feeling pretty good about myself lately. My depression is under control, my anxiety often isn't as bad (though I still need something for anxiety), my self-esteem is better, I don't hate the way I look so much (despite not liking what the scale tells me). My new Aveda skin products from Teal are really great. My skin is in good condition right now.
unico_love: (crystal ball)
Habits 5 and 6 of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People )
unico_love: (Hotaru with umbrella)
Habits 3 and 4 from  )
unico_love: (sailor moon beauty)
Quotes and Personal Responses )
unico_love: (crystal ball)
365: look back to your first post of this challenge, asking ‘Post a picture of yourself and tell us your hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days’ did you achieve any of these goals? And post a picture. :) thanks for completing the challenge

"day 1: hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days with a picture of yourself

I hope to read many more books, watch many more movies and television shows (including anime), paint and draw a lot more (and improve), do a lot more writing (and improve), have a wonderful commitment ceremony with Michael, improve my mental health and communication skills, and find deeper happiness."

All of this came true:-) Though I haven't done a lot more prose writing, unfortunately.

For this upcoming year I hope to lose 10lbs, save money, read more books, watch more television/movies, make new friends, keep old friends, improve my mental health, display my art at an art fair, become more proficient at reading tarot cards, get back my old painting skills, and continue learning more self help skills (for instance, this past year I learned how to write checks, pay bills, and got my first credit card in my name).


Me on Christmas Eve:-) Not the most flattering picture, but the only picture taken.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (yellow girl with rose)
Day 13: Goals

Improving my art and writing, improving my relationships, saving money, learning how to be more independent, feeling better psychologically.

30 Day Meme )
unico_love: (red rose girl)
It's actually a weekend day today, but my goal is to enjoy myself at Michael's movie night at the church and not to eat myself sick like I did last night (I'm really thinking dairy is the issue because it was the cream of chicken soup without lactaid that made me feel very nauseated). I also want to read more Russian fairy tales and do a sketch.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (crystal ball)
Japan -- I've been interested in Japanese culture since seeing Big Bird in Japan as a child, I want to see the shrines and cherry blossom trees and Mt. Fuji and the Ghibli Museum, go shopping there. Obviously with what's going on now, though, my plans for that may be altered.

Peru -- Especially inspired by The Mysterious Cities of Gold. I want to see the Incan ruins and mountains and Nazca lines.

England -- Especially Glastonbury and Cornwall because of the mythology behind them (King Arthur, etc.). London would be nice to see, too.

Ireland -- To see haunted castles! And the beautiful countryside.

Sweden -- My mother is Swedish and I also think Scandinavia looks beautiful.

New Zealand and Australia -- See where Xena and The Lord of the Rings was filmed! New Zealand is incredibly beautiful, according to my uncle (he spent a month in Australia and New Zealand).

Germany, Switzerland, and Austria -- Their architecture, Vienna, Zurich (where Carl Jung is from!)

France -- Cathedrals like Notre Dame

Pompei Italy and Rome, Italy, and probably other parts of Italy-- to see the ancient ruins and architecture and cathedrals

Crete -- I've been obsessed with the Minoan Civilization for many years

In the U.S: Washington State (the beauty and the Asian culture on the west coast), back to Alaska (maybe see Fairbanks and Juneau?), back to Washington DC, back to Disney World/Busch Gardens/Santa Maria Island, Sedona, Arizona (beauty and unexplained phenomena and the psychics and book shops), Salem, Masachusetts (again, for the interesting shops and museums, etc.), Vermont during autumn, Colorado for Colorado Springs and the beauty of mountains (I love mountains -- I don't live anywhere near them:( I've only seen them in Alaska).

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (crystal ball)
I always have a list of goals going, so a list of New Years Resolutions wouldn't list anything new. However, here are some accomplishments from 2010, inspired by someone else on my friendslist.

Accomplishments in 2010:
1. Beginning to work on Dialectical Behavior Therapy
2. Spending less time in mood episodes than usual
3. Getting more over Him
4. Making progress to better my relationship with Amber
5. Becoming closer friends with Maria
6. More serious steps in my relationship with Michael
7. Starting to exercise regularly again (mainly stretches, though)
8. Getting my digestive problems diagnosed properly and treated
9. Going to Starved Rock for the first time
10. Seeing Tuna and the Rock Cats perform
11. Going to see Swan Lake and (again) The Nutcracker ballet
12. Seeing Shedd Aquarium for the first time in a long time
13. Going to Brookfield, Lincoln Park, and Cosley zoos, and Kuiper's Farm
14. Going to the Wildlife Haven
15. Buying a new (pink) camera (before I just kept borrowing my mother's)
16. Learning more about cleaning
17. Repainting my kitchen
18. Learning how to cook some more simple things
19. Reading many more books, including (finally) the Harry Potter books and The Chronicles of Narnia
20. Seeing many wonderful movies and cartoons and anime and playing more video games
21. Listening to new music (though mainly songs I first heard through Glee and songs Michael listens to)
22. Apologizing to people after I had behaved wrongly
23. Finding ways to help improve my anxiety besides Klonopin (though I often need more than one technique to control my anxiety)
24. Improving my sexual dysfunction (still a long way to go)
25. Starting to drink more water
26. Eating more fruit and yogurt
26. Writing many more poems
27. Getting a short story published in an e-zine, and as an "Editor's Choice" story
28. Editing short stories and novels
29. Adopting another cat
30. Going to Anime Central and seeing all the panels I wanted to see and wearing Lolita clothing for the first time
31. Boating and going innertubing again
unico_love: (Cat mask)
Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder made me start thinking about ways to improve my mental health. I never really considered how other symptoms like irritation or being quick to anger can be related to bipolar, even if you aren't currently in a serious mood episode. Also PTSD and OCD are very commonly comorbid with Bipolar and what I read recently is that nearly everyone with bipolar has anxiety problems. This kind of makes sense to me because all of my mental health issues started about the same time. I'd already gotten severe overload problems and meltdowns due to autism, but when I was put in a calmer environment I was fine. And I did get some sadness/anxiety at night, but nothing severe. My first bipolar episode was hypomania with started college and it lasted my first semester. I felt like my brain "switched" over winter break. Then I came back mildly anxious and mildly depressed, but then I ended up being stalked and fell into a severe depression (my first ever). Then a few months later it gradually turned into a bad, long mixed episode which is what I was in for my first psychometric testing.

I have already made goals of ways to improve my life, but here are some changes I'm going to try making specifically for my mental health:

1. Drink 3 bottles of water a day
2. Take my multivitamin and also vitamins of Omega-3 fatty acids
3. Eat (dark) chocolate occasionally (apparently it helps some people)
4. Try to eat a fruit a day
5. Eat peanut butter and yogurt for protein
6. Eat raw vegetables
7. Try to eat the amount of calories my psychiatrist (Eating Disorder specialist) thinks I should eat
8. Stretch daily and maybe try to do yoga (turning off outside stimuli and focusing on breathing)
9. Try to do meditation exercises at least when upset (preferably a daily thing, like stretching)
10. Try to do more strenuous exercise 3x a week (ballet exercises, stomach crunches, and push ups?)
11. Journal out all my problems, obsessions, and worries
12. Take Zyprexa daily and Klonopin as needed, as well as my medications for physical issues
13. Unless it's a special occasion, go to sleep by midnight
14. Have people who know me well watch for any signs that I'm beginning to enter a mood episode so I can do something about it
15. When behaving in unsafe or negative ways, have people close to me point them out and explain why they are problematic
16. Have people try not to argue with me rationally when I'm in a mood episode, but help me find ways to stop the mood episode and cope
17. Email one of my psychologists if I need to talk about something due to mental health problems
18. Page my psychiatrist if I am having problems and need a medication change/increase/decrease
19. Talk to a friend when I'm feeling depressed or lonely
20. Wait out angry feelings before doing anything drastic (write about my feelings and tell someone what I'm feeling and why, maybe having them point out why it would be a mistake to act on my feelings)
21. Do soothing activities when my mood is becoming problematic (art, reading comforting books, writing poems)
unico_love: (Unico)
I finally finished rereading Sailor Moon Super S. I should read a bit of Sailor Moon every night -- it always improves my mood. It makes me very happy and the world seems like a brighter and kinder place. I don't relate to any of the main characters too much (I relate most to Sailor Saturn), but I relate to qualities within each of them. All of their motivations and feelings and desires make sense to me. Love is the ultimate feeling and the ultimate goal. Love always wins in Sailor Moon. The senshi are all friends who love each other deeply, as I love my own friends. Appreciating what your loved ones do for you is important. Even ordinary people can at least mentally be a kind, loving ruler of their own kingdom. We each are our own world; we create our own world. Everyone protects their own inner kingdom and can choose whether to battle and be competitive and harsh with others and their kingdoms or choose love and mutual support. Like Usagi (Sailor Moon) and Mamoru (Tuxedo Mask), Michael and I can love innocently and contentedly, taking care of one another and teaching one another to love more deeply. There are difficulties we must face, but somehow we will always cope. The world can be beautiful and filled with hope. Dreams do come true. My dream is to be happy and to be with my loved ones, maybe even helping others' dreams come true and to help others feel loved and important. Those are obtainable dreams and wonderful dreams. I am blessed in so many ways.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
In Authentic Happiness it mentioned the importance of having a meaning to your life. Sometimes in bipolar episodes I would dwell a lot on my life purpose and whether I could even justify continuing to live at the expense of other living things. Sometimes I thought that maybe there was a trick to being alive and we were all meant to kill ourselves so we would no longer kill other things in order to exist. I'd also obsess over what choice I made would benefit the most other living beings (including micro-organisms). However, I generally maintained the outlook that the world was an enchanting place that was primarily good and human beings were also fascinating and primarily good. I never really felt hopeless to affect people and the world in positive ways, though I would be keenly aware of the times I had negative impacts.

Usually, though, I have had a feeling of meaning in life and my idea of that hasn't changed much. Around age 12 I became more aware of other living creatures and how I didn't want to hurt them and wanted to do good. For me the purpose in life is to help other living beings as much as you can while also enjoying your life and finding happiness and hope in whatever you can. The world is a good place with many tools you can use to improve circumstances for yourself and others. Kindness and mercy are of the utmost importance. Forgiveness should always be cultivated -- though it took awhile to see that forgiveness didn't have to mean having abusive people in your life. Being grateful and aware of how much others sacrifice for you was also always important. Also I've always believed in God and prayed to God, though I see God as everywhere and largely beyond comprehension. For me God was always intimately tied to my beliefs about meaning in life. I want to experience God as purely and openly as possible and allow love to fill my life. I equate God with love and love in the world is of the utmost importance to me. I want to feel as much love as I can and to spread love to others and reassure living things that they are loved and appreciated. Life is difficult and filled with many roadblocks, but being able to see the good in life and fill yourself with love and happiness, contributing to the love and happiness of as many beings as possible and in as much depth as possible, makes living purposeful and worthwhile even in the darkest times.
unico_love: (crystal ball)
I went to bed at 10:30pm last night and talked to Michael on the phone for a bit because I couldn't sleep. I finally took a Klonopin to fall asleep since I need to fix my sleep schedule. I had some pretty intense dreams. However, going to bed early did no good and I woke up after 12:30pm. I slept almost 14 hours! I don't know why. I haven't been sleep deprived -- just getting up late and going to bed a little late (midnight-ish). Hopefully I will be able to fall asleep early tonight and not sleep as much. I'm still tired...

My goals for today:
1. Read 2 Edgar Allan Poe short stories
2. Do 2 sketches
3. Do yoga/stretching
4. Watch Ai Yori Aoshi
5. Clean up the house
6. Wash the bathroom sink

7. Write a poem
8. Write emails
9. Do a tarot reading
unico_love: (Unico)
Michael is leaving tomorrow instead of Thursday because he needs to do things at home. I hate unexpected changes and being alone, so this is slightly difficult for me. Also my moods have been very erratic. I don't know if this is breakthrough bipolar symptoms or not. I'm not having any current interpersonal problems and I think even if Amber said she could visit next week I'd feel the same -- irritable, anxious, blah-ish feeling. A big reason I don't think this is a depression is because every depression I've had in the past has been completely incapacitating and I was very suicidal. Also I do feel happy and content sometimes (especially at night; I feel pretty good right now). When I'm depressed it's very chronic. I'm going to try and keep myself busy and see if that helps.

Here is what I plan to do for the next week (or longer):
1. Draw/sketch people
2. Write poems and journal
3. Yoga and possibly bike riding
4. Watch Ai Yori Aoshi Enisha (anime)
5. Watch Glee (new Fox episode Tuesday) and Who's the Boss? (Hallmark Channel) and Merlin, season 2 (netflix)
6. Read Sailor Moon manga (Super S and Stars)
7. Read the astrology book I checked out from the library and compare to my natal chart (I used to be really into astrology)
8. Do tarot card readings
9. Play Dragon Quest IV and Mario Kart on my Nintendo DS
10. Read my Scandinavian Folktales book
11. Read Singing Innocence and Experience by Sonya Taffe
12. Visit April this week
13. Read A Course in Happiness by Mardi Horowitz
unico_love: (Amalthea)
I woke up anxious. I do not know why. I took a Klonopin and a Buspar. The Buspar actually seems to be helping a bit, which is strange, because people often say it needs to build up in your body to help. I have better luck when I take it infrequently. I'm going to make a plan for today to try and keep myself busy.

Things to do:
-Visit April this afternoon
-Read Mythology of the Incas
-Watch Legend of the Seeker
-Play a video game on my Nintendo DS
-Do some sketching (running out of art supplies and have no free money)
-Do yoga/stretching
-Wash the dishes
-Tidy up the house
-Write a poem
-Hang my postcard from Izzy
-Look at apartments again
-Read more Sailor Moon manga
-Shrink recent pictures on my computer
unico_love: (Unico)
Affirmations in Shadow Dance by David Richo (pg. 73-74):

1. As I let go of being subject to desire, real joy enters my life.
2. I am brave when I return good for evil.
3. I am heroic when I forgive.
4. I let go of the option of retaliation even in my mind.
5. I bypass and override my ego's appeals and seductions.
6. What I criticize in others may be true of me.
7. I look into my motivations and actions and endow them with gentle love.
8. I create my own path by walking.


unico_love: (Default)

August 2013



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