unico_love: (Default)
I have a bit of a migraine right now, so I will probably go to bed soon. Maybe watch another episode of We Got Married with Michael, in the dark. My eyelids have been all red and swollen today. I put eye cream on and have been keeping ice cubes on them. Hopefully they will be closer to normal tomorrow. Tomorrow Michael and I will play a game and start an anime. Wednesday around noon we are having a MLP friend over for tea and cookies. No ideas socially beyond that. For Father's Day I had a big dessert at the barbecue we went to for my mother's partner/my "stepfather." I made him a card and he took a picture of it with his phone and sent it to all the fathers on his contact list. I need to start drawing again. I have a lot of ideas. Tomorrow is my (deceased) father's birthday. He would have been 63. Wow! Sounds so old! He made it to 50. He also got a $10 off coupon to Victoria's Secret in the mail today to celebrate his birthday. Haha. Recently we got a piece of mail for my step-grandmother, who died even before my father.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I'm feeling depressed about my life. I've accomplished so little in the past year other than stay alive. I've had symptom after symptom pop up. Abnormal test result followed by abnormal test result with no "real" answer. Nothing that connects the dots. When I get my dizzy spells, Michael worries what they mean. My brother and mother were hoping for a tumor in the pituitary gland. Hoping for a tumor... How low do you have to sink for that? My mentality is way off. I like the internet, but don't get enjoyment the way I used to out of in-person socializing. I don't feel like sending emails, though, either. I have nothing to say. I do nothing that would interest other people. My main enjoyment comes from helping other people and giving to other people. Hence, Project Snow makes me happy. Helping a loved one less fortunate who could benefit not only financially from me, but from my knowledge of things like make up and clothing, etc.

I'm reading a book right now and it says how everything is conscious. You can incarnate as literally anything and reincarnate as anything. It's like, I've thought this since I was 11 years old. I've prayed for the souls of living and non-living things for many, many years. People need a book on it? I get people have different beliefs, but this stuff is so ingrained in my heart. I'm feeling less desire to be partnered (who knows? Maybe that's just my lack of libido). I wouldn't mind becoming a nun, but I do not agree with the Catholic church. Maybe Buddhist? I am ready to take a vow of poverty and a vow of celibacy. I no longer feel fit for this world. At times that scares me and I think I'm going to die soon, having finished with this life. I feel like I've already lived through so much and learned so much from everything.

This sickness leaves me feeling haunted. My body is disjointed, not interacting properly with the environment. It is not running well. Neither is my mind, personality, or spirit. I am full of love for everyone. That is the one thing intact. I am bursting with love. I feel quite strange.
unico_love: (Delight)
I received a call around noon that my cortisol from my suppression test was "borderline" so I have to do a 24 hour urine test, which I'm starting tomorrow morning. I'm a bit nervous about the idea of having Cushings after reading some bad cases of it and even a bunch of obituaries. One site called it "The Most Dangerous Disease You've Never Heard Of." Cushings has a tumor in the pituitary gland releasing tons of cortisol. I also have very high prolactin, which would likely be due to a tumor in the pituitary gland releasing tons of prolactin. That means I would need two tumors. I'm hoping that's not the case... I can't wait to get my MRI.

An interesting thing: My MRI at the hospital is set for April 6th. That's my maternal grandmother's birthday. She went into the hospital (in the 1970's) to die on my birthday, January 13th (same day of the week even -- Thursday).

I feel over the past month I have grown progressively weaker and sorer. My fatigue is worse. Just taking a shower or walking next door is hard. I'm slacking off on my chores, but I'm determined to clean the bathroom tomorrow. I'd also like to read and crochet... It sounds so simple, yet it's so hard.

I don't feel asocial at all -- I'd love to talk to people online, and friends in the area -- you can visit anytime! I hope Cory can visit this weekend. I feel bad about turning him down last weekend. I hope I can go to church this weekend, but the fatigue and acheing is worst in the mornings -- no matter what time I go to sleep.

It's ironic that when I was sick in the summer I feared I had a brain tumor and everyone told me I was being a hypochondriac and to stop looking things online, and then I gained more weight and people thought I was just being anorexic and wanting to lose weight, and it turns out I likely have a pituitary gland tumor that caused weight gain, as well as depression, anxiety, pain, and a bunch of other problems.

My family and Michael are very worried now, wondering if it's cancer or something. Because they see how I've changed and how things just don't make sense.
unico_love: (crystal ball)
day 98: what would be the hardest and most fearful thing you would ever have to face in your lifetime

The death of my mother and/or Michael. This is fearful for me for both practical reasons (I cannot live independently) and emotional reasons (I get very attached to people and emotionally dependent).

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (Amalthea)
Today is the tenth anniversary of my father's death. He did a lot of bad things, but I miss him more as time passes.

First Aid

Jun. 28th, 2009 01:12 pm
unico_love: (Snow White)
[Error: unknown template qotd]
My father. It didn't work.

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