unico_love: (Default)
I feel really fuzzy right now, like I had a seizure or might have a seizure, so bear with me. But I've felt like this for awhile, so it could be a false alarm. But the neurologist doesn't think I'm aware of a lot of my seizures, so who knows? I'm confusing myself. New topic.

We went to Oakbrook Mall. Michael was irritable some of the time, but I'm glad we went! I didn't realize they had some great stores there I would actually use! Maybe it's because I've grown up a bit and some of my tastes have changed? I try to use more environmentally sound products, cruetly-free, if at all possible. Some of the clothes I like are more mature. I spend more on products and am consciously trying to buy less plastic crap.

Anyways, I have been planning on buying Izzy and myself Bare Escentuals lipstick (two a piece) online -- but there was a boutique there! Unfortunately, it didn't have all the lipstick colors. And apparently they are changing the lipstick shades April 11th. I have to wait until April 3-4th to afford the lipstick. But I decided I want to buy the "old" lipstick because then it will gone for good, and we'd have plenty of time to buy the "new" lipstick if we wanted to. A color Izzy was interested in, but was sold out online, was in the boutique -- Berry Glace, so even though Izzy hadn't made her second decision (she had decided on her first -- Italian Ice) I bought it for her. On our way back out of the mall, Michael bought me a Bare Escentuals lipstick in Parfait. It's a little peachier than the color I was considering (Gelato - more straight nude pink, though Parfait is also a nude on me).

We went to Sephora and it was a full one, with the Jasmine line. I looked at the Urban Decay things. It was a bit squashed by the beauty chairs area, though, so I couldn't tell if they had palettes besides the Naked ones. I want to buy Michael's sister an Urban Decay palette for Christmas if I can afford it -- the Vice palette if it returns. I have it set to tell me by email if it returns online. I liked looking at all the different skin products and make up... But I'm broke, so I didn't buy anything.

There was a Soma there, and I love their underwear! It's so pretty and comfortable. I should buy my mother some from there sometime. I bought mine online and had to pay a lot in shipping. Now I know there is a brick and mortar store nearby.

There was a Disney store! All the Disney Stores seem to be closing...

There was an H&M! We don't have one at the mall we usually go to, but I love this store, and they don't sell online. I bought my mother her Mother's Day gift her -- a blue sweater for $10. They always have great pricee, plus now they are selling spring/summer clothes.

I tried to send something to the Glen Ellyn Post Office by Newton Park and they gave me trouble, like they always do. It left me very agitated. I hate that post office and do not intend to use it for packages again. Today Michael mailed my package from the downtown Glen Ellyn Post Office without any problems. I've got a big package I'm putting together for Poland to send out mid-April and will probably use that post office. Michael had a good experience.

I'm still having anxiety and taking 2mg Klonopin everyday, but I'm trying to feel less guilty about that, because my endocrine conditions can cause severe depression and severe anxiety (as well as irritability and hostility). I figure once I'm treated I will start feeling better and not be so med-reliant. I have been obsessed with Cushing's Disease today. I'm pretty sure I have an early/mild case of it starting to progress pretty fast. My weight gain hasn't been in the usual places for me (thighs, for instance), but my belly, in a pregnancy-type fashion. It has cellulite over it. I can't fit into any pants -- including new ones I bought for weight gain -- so I'm going to just wear sweatpants, pajama pants, and elastic waist skirts for the time being. Everyone assures me when I'm treated my body will go back to normal.

My breasts are getting big, too, but that doesn't bother me as much:P I'm wearing one of my new (ebay) bras today, too and yet I'm now getting quadboob from this too(28DD, could use a 28E -- for some other companies I would need a 28F). Hahaha, yes, laugh those who knew me as a college freshman! 4'11" and an A-cup! Well, not really -- just wearing the wrong bra size, as most do (more like a 28C). Anyways, I am not fat, I do not think any of you reading this are fat -- it's just my fat deposits are going to my waist and boobs only because my body thinks it's having a baby very soon and needs to be lactating. I read yesterday, though, that people like myself wtih very high prolactin levels often *don't* lactate -- it's the low-highs that do. Which doesn't make sense to me, but whatever.

I might start getting the Cushings stretch marks soon, which I dread. You can always lose weight -- stretch marks are another issue all together. And my face may become rounder (that's another weird thing -- usually my face gets rounder as I gain weight -- my face is not the slightest bit rounder/chubbier from when I was 25lbs lighter; I'm 5'1", so that's saying a lot). I've been playing with make up a lot and taking lots of face pictures and posting my favorites to Facebook. It sounds vain, but that's one of the few areas of my body that still feels "normal." And that I still feel I can make pretty. It reassures me that this weight gain is not normal because, if it were, my face would look chubbier.

I'm very anxious about the fact it takes many tests to diagnose Cushing's, and then more tests to figure out where the tumor causing it is located (and then you usually do surgery and you have to find a good surgeon... Luckily I live in the Chicago area, so I'm sure there would be an appropriate surgeon not too far). Usually Cushings is caused by a pituitary tumor. I *also* most likely have *another* pituitary tumor -- a prolactinoma releasing way too much prolactin (hence the boobs and the belly and the associated emotional pseudo-pregnant bullshit). That would be treated with strong meds to shrink the tumor and lower my prolactin levels. Two tumors. Two conditions. Two treatments. Two hormones (Cushings is too much cortisol being released from the tumor). A lot of overlapping symptoms -- including osteoporosis -- I want a bone scan asap, because my joints and back and hips hurt a lot the past few months. I will call the endocrinologist about that on Monday, and if she doesn't do anything, call my general practitioner (who works very close by) and ask for a bone scan. I also should go to her office and have my records transferred to her so she knows what's going on. Maybe I will even make an appointment with her. She works Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. My endocrinologist is also part-time. My psychiatrist is the one who has my testosterone results, but I think my endocrinologist got them from him, and those were the most important ones. It's just having two possible conditions at once, with pituitary tumors involved, is overloading and confusing. Though I like that they could explain most of the problems I've gained over the past decade.

On a happier note, Michael went out with Dan and brought me back a large-ish vinyl figurine of Fluttershy from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Though I do have too much random "junk" as it is@_@
unico_love: Snow White (innocence unicorn)
Today has been a pretty good day. I received a very sweet message from a friend, received my final two bras in the mail.Bra TMI Again )

Michael and I watched the first hour of The Lord of the Rings final movie. I don't have much attention span for movies or television so we're breaking it up into four parts instead of just two. I read more of the Philip K Dick Exegesis book and checked out two more books from the library on the topic of obsessive love (I've read the books before, but don't clearly remember them).

I had to take a Klonopin around 5pm due to anxiety, but at least it's only been 2mg the past two times. It's really helping... My brother brought me home a giant hamburger with pesto sauce, green peppers, and tomato, but I'm too full to eat most of it:( I will eat most of it tomorrow. My mother also bought me a cherry Arctic Rush from Dairy Queen. My mother had to go to Dairy Queen to get her boyfriend Dilly bars because he feels really sick and is craving them. I hope he feels better soon...

I will probably try to go to bed early tonight so I don't wake up so late tomorrow.
unico_love: (red rose girl)
1. Klonopin/clonazepam (as much as I hate to admit it...
2. Watching more Project A-Ko with Michael
3. Having a good time at church with friends
4. My headache going away
5. Finding a 28DD bra (of the exact same one I just bought that was too small in a 28D) for $15 including shipping from UK (these are bras that usually cost around $60). I shouldn't have spent the money, but I was really obsessing over this issue because it's a t-shirt bra with no lines and I would get a lot of use out of it. I just have to remember I'm a 28D in Freya, but a 28DD in Panache. (And again, no, I am not busty). And I bought the last 28DD bra in this style, too!
unico_love: (Snow White)
Today has been a good day and for that I am grateful. Michael and I woke up a bit late. My mother apparently textmessaged me about her dog, whom she was supposed to drop off for me to take care of and then take back to her house before we went to the UU church for our "Spirit in Practice" class. Well, fussy Rasputin didn't want to come over. She was texting me to take him out to pee before the church. I texted her back that I was "in a meeting." O_o Okay... I have no recollection of doing this and have never really been "in a meeting." So it must have been related to a dream I was having... So, sleepwalking, sleep-eating, sleep-talking, now sleep-texting. Unfortunately I did not take the poor dog out to pee:( I'd assumed my mother took him to work with her, which is allowed where she went today:( Oh well, he was okay.

Church was fun! We made lists of what we thought prayer were and what we thought meditation were and how we thought they were similar and different. Then we did a quiet meditation and then an eating meditation (a tangerine). We did a hymn and a reading. We did a couple of worksheet/readings, too, and were given Unitarian Universalist prayer beads. After the church thing we bought cheap cocounut hair conditioner and I read The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis.

I bid on ebay>_>. I allowed my auctions to all end with me losing except the one that was the sweater that reminded me of Mary Margaret Blanchard from Once Upon a Time. I followed Michael's advice and bid my max bid at the end of the auction. I tend to be very impatient and lose the auctions at just a dollar to two above the maximum I'm willing to pay! Very frustrating! I also put in a higher max bid for the mint Anthropologie floral top I love so much that I posted a picture of in here. It will end tomorrow during the day when I will probably be busy, so I just put in the bid and got it over with. The last one ended this morning just $2 past my max bid-_- I should have just paid more. It wasn't worth the hassle... I could have saved elsewhere. If I don't win this auction hopefully there are yet more tops.

Amber (surprisingly) left me an ebay message so I called her, but she was eating. She said she'd call back later tonight, but I want to go to bed early so I will probably call her soon.

My uncle just adopted an eight year old rescue Silk Terrier who is not house broken. His name was Binky (really??) and my uncle re-named him Ernie, after Earnest Hemingway.
unico_love: (sailor moon beauty)
I'm not posting this in my anorexia filter (which I use for anything weight/body image related) because I'm not going to post my actual weight and I think it could be positive for some people to read. I will put some of it behind a cut, though. I have a doctor's appointment Monday and I was not going to allow my doctor to weigh me. I know I weigh more than I would like to weigh, but I don't know the actual number. I'm afraid I have gained like 20lbs despite, if anything, undereating, and that would really upset me. I am truly afraid of that -- not that I've slacked off and been overeating and probably, realistically, gained about 5lbs. If I have gained a lot of weight, I've realized, it would be good for me to be weighed and discuss it with my doctor and how it makes no sense. My doctor would probably want to run tests on me and have me see a specialist. And I would want to do that since I don't want to keep gaining nonsensical weight. So, as hard as it is, I will let my doctor weigh me.

Also my Jason Wu skirt came in today! It fits, which I was so worried about! And I probably haven't gained weight!
Cut for size mention )
unico_love: (Possession)
Did errands today. Probably won't get around to painting, but I will at least find a reference picture for the rabbit for the baby shower painting. Maybe I will paint the outline of the rabbit. For errands we went to ALDI (a grocery store) for bottled water, then Caribou Coffee where I bought Michael and myself a frappuccino (yay! I finally spelled that word right!). Then we went to Comcast to return the cable boxes. That was kind of a long drive. We went to Target for Michael and I bought Chobani yogurt. They were out of vanilla, which disappointed me. Then I noticed they sold pomegranate Chobani yogurt! I had never realized this! I love anything pomegranate! So I bought the last three. And that is what I will try eating today. I am excited:-)

Also now I really want to win that Jason Wu auction. It will never happen and I'm sure there will be a bidding war at the end, but I can dream:P I swear next month I will go on a financial fast. No shopping, no new books. I have plenty of books and libraries. I have plenty of perfectly good clothes. I want to save money so I can go on trips and so forth.
unico_love: (Strange Beauty)
I was really out of it last night! I kept thinking I was on Ambien because I felt so high, but, no, just Klonopin. I think my tolerance has decreased since I take it so (comparatively) rarely now. I did a lot of online shopping... My mother asked for a pretty hoodie like the kind I gave her at Christmas. She didn't ask me to buy her one -- just to find one for her that she could buy. I found a white one with red flowers on it on ebay, new, and I bought it. It was expensive with expensive shipping (shipping from Great Britain), but I was on Klonopin, so what did I care? At least I stopped, last minute, from ordering over $50 from Forever21 because shipping is free with a $50 purchase. I found a hoodie there, too, which is what led me to almost make the big purchase. I can't afford it, so thank goodness I backed out. I had some kind of issue getting the site to work properly. I also bought Michael his main Valentine's Day gift. I might need to start cutting my 2mg Klonopins in half... Which would make me happy to do!
unico_love: (Possession)
Yesterday was rather frustrating in that, checking my order status of the coat I ordered, my order had been canceled. I got ahold of a person on the phone quickly and they said the item was sold out and there would be no more available. They should have at least sent me an email saying they were canceling my order! And why was I able to check out in the first place? The woman on the phone suggested calling local stores (it has in-person stores) so I did. The one at the mall near me had a coat by the same description (charcoal, hoodless peacoat that had a belt at the waist) and I put it on hold. It wasn't the same coat!:( It had no pockets, was a little shorter, and the waist was tied instead of with a buckle. It was the same price, only the online coats (and other closed) are usually slashed in price, whereas the stores charge full-price. So while I purchased the coat online for $51.11 (my brother's birthday gift to me), I paid $65! Some of that due to an almost 10% sales tax. I paid for the difference between what my brother paid for my missing coat and the coat I did purchase. I decided I liked it and it fit well, so I kept it, but I'm still bitter about what has now in my mind become the "ideal" coat. I don't own a really fitted coat -- my coats are all bulky or big on me. I could have purchased my ideal coat in a Medium instead of a Small, but that would be big on me which would defeat the purpose of buying a fitted coat with a cinched waist.

Church was fun today. It was a Christmas pageant where random church members raised their hands to play different parts and got into costume. There was a man narrating the nativity story and more and more people would join the nativity. Between every addition of characters there was a Christmas song. Michael had to move because a woman behind us started chewing gum, but he moved near other friends of ours. A lot of the church is Humanist and Michael and I are not. We celebrate Christmas and enjoy Christmas services, though we also enjoy services for holidays and religious traditions of any kind. We plan on going to the Solstice service and Christmas Eve service. We had book club after church today. The book was Griftopia and about the economy problems in the US. It was very depressing and I only read a little bit (politics tend to trigger my PTSD because my father was bizarrely obsessed and paranoid about politics).
unico_love: (sailor moon beauty)
Mary Janes because I think they're pretty.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: Snow White (innocence unicorn)
I've been quite busy lately with Michael and Maria. Maria goes home tomorrow:( Today we are finishing watching Neon Genesis Evangelion, going to Quest books (a bookstore filled with religious/spiritual/philosophical materials), and the young adult group meet up at the church, where if the weather permits, there will be a bonfire. Also we will each share something meaningful to us -- I'm going to bring two Emily Dickinson poems.

We went to a cemetery to do ghost hunting and did that last night in my mother's house and her boyfriend's house. Her boyfriend's house seems likely haunted -- there was more activity and more bizarre shadows and orbs than in photographs from my mother's house. The house is the oldest on the street and the most activity was right where the original doorway was. Also my mother's boyfriend hears noises like a squirrel rolling an acorn or walnut down plywood at 4am exactly and there is no way for this to be happening in reality. Maria left her recorder up in the attic overnight and back home she will inspect her recordings.

We also went to Woodfield Mall yesterday. Michael bought me a cute floral romper from H&M (they seem to vanity size a lot less than other stores, and fortunately the outfit fit even though it was a bigger number than I usually get -- and it was the only romper that small). I bought Michael a brown bear pillow pet (different company than the usual ones, though). We then stopped at Mitsuwa Marketplace and Maria and I ate there (I had a teriyaki burger, which was okay).
unico_love: (crystal ball)
Today was a long day of errands and we got lost at first, so I'm glad I took Klonopin before we left. Doing a lot of driving and running a lot of errands gives me bad anxiety. I stayed pretty calm. Michael had problems at the post office because people were chewing gum and it was making his OCD crazy. He bought me a biscuit at Brown's Chicken and a junior mocha milkshake at Steak n' Shake<3 I felt a bit dizzy and nauseated for awhile, such as when we were looking around the mall after exchanging a sweater Michael received for Christmas that was too small. We also stopped at Walmart, Target, and Toys R' Us. I saw the pink Memorex dvd player I wish I had (though it may not be region-free like mine is). I didn't see the thick, soft blankets I saw yesterday and greatly desired. What I can find from their online store are less expensive blankets... Still called microplush, though. I like how they have cheap sheets now that are flannel or fleece or jersey material. If I need new sheets I will buy another set like that. We also stopped at the library to drop off books and pick up two on Japan. I'm going to try and look forward to the idea of maybe visiting Japan instead of just feeling utter terror. Oh yes, and we went to another Steak n' Shake by the mall later on so I could order chili mac<3 Which seemingly grosses everyone out but me:P
unico_love: (crystal ball)
Today has been a good day so far. I didn't feel anxious today, even before taking Ritalin LA. My mood has been stable. My mother cooked and we ate around 1pm. Then my brother, Michael, and I played Disney Princesses Uno. Michael won most of the games and I won the least:P We watched South Park episodes, too. Now Michael and I are going to put up my Christmas tree. Tomorrow after my mother drops my brother off at work she, Michael, and myself will go to the library (I'm desperate to read the Harry Potter books now after seeing the last movie!) and to Town Square in Wheaton. There I will go to Victoria's Secret, which will probably be very crowded, but hopefully not as crowded as the mall Victoria's Secret will be. I haven't heard about any special in-person sales. I know their semi-annual sale isn't here, at least. I'm hoping that will help keep things under control. I am only going there for (hopefully!) one pair of underwear. I love the design but it's sold out in my size online. I have seen them in two Victoria's Secrets this month but didn't buy them then because they didn't have a couple other designs I wanted and I wanted to get 5/$25. I did buy 5/$25 today online because of free shipping today and that's when I found out the underwear I want is not available in "pink snowflakes":( $8.50 seems expensive for a pair of underwear (and I kind of want to get two if I see two in my size>_>), but I am very stubborn and really want them. I spent too much this month because there were so many sales. I at least don't feel too bad about buying Lost, season 6 for $24 on amazon.com earlier (with no shipping paid), because now it's back up to $41 on amazon. I'm sure a lot of stores will have it cheaper than that for the sales, but I haven't yet seen it cheaper than $24. Tonight we will watch the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special and the Garfield Thanksgiving special. I hope everyone is having a great day today, whether or not you celebrate Thanksgiving:D

Also my brother and I were talking about Harry Potter (he loves it) and which house we would be sorted into. I would probably be Ravenclaw (though I didn't used to think that, despite "book smarts," other than art, being about my only strong point). Luna is in Ravenclaw and I can identify with her a bit, so I suppose that works. I insisted my brother would be Slytherin (trying to kill my mother and me, threatening to burn the house down, etc.) and he said no way, because he isn't evil. I brought up the aformentioned offenses and he looked at me like I was crazy. My mother was in the room and said he seems to have no memory of those sociopathic years he spent on cocaine and dxm. Three years ago he spent Christmas, New Year's, and his birthday in jail. He also didn't want to play Scrabble with Michael and me (which is why we played Uno) because he said he played it too much in jail.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
Today I wasted too much time online, then went to the mall to buy a skirt from Aeropostale that was on sale. I didn't buy it yesterday because I was on Klonopin and that makes me think it's a good idea to buy everything, so I bought nothing to be cautious. In all honesty I shouldn't be buying anything since I have my eye dilation and psychiatrist appointment next week, but the skirt only cost $15 and I don't have a summer skirt that is shorter (just a longer one that I can't even find).

I feel guilty because I didn't do two things my mother asked before I left home: 1. Turning off the air-conditioning (she just turned it up to 80 -- not off altogether) and 2. Putting the bag of salt in the water-softener. And my mother hurt her back today! I feel bad for her.

While at the stores today I started having a full-blown panic attack, I think triggered just by autistic overload. I took a Klonopin at Walmart. Too many people and too much chaos. Check out at stores is torture to me. Then Michael bought me two miniature pizzas. One I ate for lunch/dinner and one I'm saving for tomorrow. He's so nice to me! Next time I will buy him pizza.

Amber and I are finally talking on msn! I'm not sure what the problem was, but we had problem getting each other to show up on our Windows Live/msn screens. We got it working and we're chatting now. Hopefully we will use the microphones soon.

Aside from panicking, my day is going pretty well, overall. I'm going to start reading soon. And I need to find that Xena episode where Gabrielle is a concubine or something and does an alluring dance and Xena is in some kind dungeon there... I simply can't figure out which episode it is and I want to watch it:-/
unico_love: (Unico)
Today started off roughly. I was still thinking a little bit about last night and the friend of Michael's who was supposed to pick us up to go to Chicago was not answering his phone (we knew he was sleeping). So we were slow in getting ready this morning and both Michael and I were stressed. Finally his friend called and was on his way, though we wouldn't get as much time at the aquarium. I wore a skirt and ripped brand new nylons (I was trying to be very gentle!). My mother said Walgreen's would have nylons, but they were all dark and huge. I need them in the smallest size and lightest shade, due to being small and pale. Next time we go to a department store I will buy more (though they're overpriced for how delicate they are). I do have a new pair of thigh-high ones, too, which I prefer the look of, but last time i wore a pair they wouldn't stay up my thighs and I had to throw them out. It only occurred to me today they probably didn't stay up because I was way underweight at the time. Now that I weigh more, the elastic will hopefully stay up. But I didn't want to mess around with that out in public, so I didn't try them. I ended up wearing leggings and ankle socks, which was for the best because it was very cold walking from the parking lot to the aquarium.

It was a free admission day, which is why we were so focused on going today (tomorrow they are expecting snow). I also didn't want Michael driving to a confusing part of Chicago he hasn't been to in a very long time, so I wanted to only go if Dan would be around to drive. Fortunately, that happened. We took some pictures; hopefully they will turn out. I will post them here and to Facebook and will scrapbook a few. We saw tons of different kinds of fish, frogs, monkeys, dolphins, Beluga whales (including a baby!), otters, snakes, turtles, and that was about it, I think. Lots to see in the less than 3 hours we were there. It was very fun. I bought Michael a cute little stuffed Beluga whale. We named her "Snow."

Michael bought me brown sugar Haagen Dasz ice cream today!:D I'm going to try it soon. I love cookie dough with brown sugar in it best of all. I had a little bit of that when Michael was making some cookies based on my mother's recipe. He always tells me not to because he got food poisoning from bad milk as a child (it was a big thing--all over the news), but even he ate a little of the cookie dough:-) I also hope to watch an episode of Millennium tonight and probably some Hime-chan's Ribbon. I also hope to finish reading the book I'm reading, called Pretty Dead. I love the style because it's Francesca Lia Block, but it's a bit annoying she got in on this vampire craze. And at least I got to sleep in today. I set my alarm for 9am, but was exhausted. I don't know what we will do tomorrow.
unico_love: (Cat mask)
I'm going to have a lot of pictures to upload! I have my Renaissance corset laced up the best I've ever done it (I'm sure it's because Michael helped me). However, when I first tried to tie it it came undone, so I double-knotted it. Big mistake. It took a very long time to undo it and we did it with a blunt knife and now one of my lacings is breaking (in the tie part at the bottom). I might have to buy a new ribbon but it looks like a pretty common sort of ribbon. I also need to cut this ribbon a lot shorter if I keep it. I really like this outfit, though:D Izzy bought me the corset. I wish I had more occasions to wear it...

Michael and I will hand out candy today and maybe watch scary films. There will be picture-taking. I will probably go home tomorrow.

Happy Halloween, everyone! Even if you don't celebrate Halloween or Samhain:-)
unico_love: (crystal ball)
On the one hand I hate vanity sizing (which I believe has increased slowly over time, but I noticed several major stores changing their sizing sometime when I was in college/left college a few years ago), but on the other hand the "true" sizes can be triggering. However, I'd like to know my "real" size and dimensions, even if I hate hearing it. My pants/jeans vary greatly in size because some of them are as much as a decade old and from different stores, so different sizing. What's frustrating is that, regardless of the actual number on the pants, I seem really in-between sizes. One size is way too tight on me, but the size up is falling off me. I don't even really have a belt now, which would at least help the bigger size from falling off, but there's often still a gap in the back. I have a big butt so I think that pulls the waist back and leaves a gap even when it's hard to button the pants.

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August 2013

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