unico_love: (crystal ball)
Not feeling anxious unless I leave my bed. Occasionally I can go out shopping, if there is a hint of a "reward." I overdraw my bank account by $4, but didn't get penalized. I also went over my credit card by about the same amount, but didn't get penalized. I've been taking from savings. I guess overspending has been helping me avoid my real problems and acted as a form of escapism. I've bought a lot of new clothes because nothing in my closet fits. Still gaining weight... I'm going to get my colors done into a personalized fan, which my mother thinks is a waste of money. Well buying new clothes in styles and colors that look good on me and obsessing over the color and style analysis is taking my mind off the fact that I look pregnant and feel fat. It's either this or *completely* starve myself and then end up back inpatient in the ED Ward and spend the money on that instead. Which would she prefer? I mean, I have no appetite. It's common at 11pm for me to ask Michael if I had remembered to eat that day.

John Kitchener, my favorite color/style analyst, I think, considers me half Romantic and half Youthful (AKA Ingenue in other systems). Both are completely yin. He said to think "Marilyn Monroe meets Emma Stone." That made me feel a little better about my appearance. I never before cared for Marilyn Monroe, but now I'm starting to. I want to learn more about her and watch "My Week with Marilyn" because she sounds like she was a very sweet and naive person. I'll always be an Audrey Hepburn first first, though. When I'm healthy my weight/size is a little closer to Audrey's (by a *smidge*) but I have a more rounded figure than her still and a face more like Marilyn's. So, still more of a Romantic.

John also said, color-wise, he saw Winter, Spring, and Summer in me and that I'm a tough case (no wonder I kept switching what season I thought I was!). He could see me as a Snowflake Winter (the shortest and most delicate -- personality-wise like Snow White or Alice from Alice in Wonderland), a Soft Spring, or a Summer. He said he saw a lot of "Subtle-Blended in me, AKA Summer). He is coming out with a book explaining all this next year. Very excited about it! He's a very kind man who adopted a litter of kittens (6!) and wrote on my FB and conversed with me despite his business and my inability to pay him. It's good I've decided to go the route of having a personalized fan made instead of a draping given that I probably don't fit neatly into one season (I'll see what my analyst has to say, but I think she agrees, as most do, that I am LSp mostly). I'm also a "Playful Winter: The Ballerina" in another typing system, which I love.

My mother is really tense and anxious lately and often takes it out on me. That makes me anxious and I feel like a failure. My brother can also have a snobby attitude, like he's in-charge of my mother's house. All the cats are over there now as she tries to sell this house. I still haven't gotten my salivary cortisol test results back! As I said before, I have osteoporosis and got those results back.

Izzy is back in the US! Saw her in Chicago first for a showing of My Neighbor Totoro and then to see the Chicago Art Institute's museum. We saw a special showcase of Impressionism, Fashion, and Modernity. Impressionism is my favorite so I'm so glad we went and saw it! I'd wanted to see it since I'd last been in Chicago months ago and I saw a poster for it at a bus stop. I was in a lot of pain, though, in my legs, hips, lower back, and shoulder wear I keep my purse. Maybe due to not enough exercise? I have no idea. I am okay sitting in bed, but sleeping or walking/standing hurts.

Today I went to a thrift shop today and bought a lot of tops, mostly in corals, light blues, and dark purples. I couldn't fit into a Medium Aeropostale top. That was... upsetting. At my healthy weight I comfortably wore a Small from there, both top and bottom.
unico_love: (Default)
I have a bit of a migraine right now, so I will probably go to bed soon. Maybe watch another episode of We Got Married with Michael, in the dark. My eyelids have been all red and swollen today. I put eye cream on and have been keeping ice cubes on them. Hopefully they will be closer to normal tomorrow. Tomorrow Michael and I will play a game and start an anime. Wednesday around noon we are having a MLP friend over for tea and cookies. No ideas socially beyond that. For Father's Day I had a big dessert at the barbecue we went to for my mother's partner/my "stepfather." I made him a card and he took a picture of it with his phone and sent it to all the fathers on his contact list. I need to start drawing again. I have a lot of ideas. Tomorrow is my (deceased) father's birthday. He would have been 63. Wow! Sounds so old! He made it to 50. He also got a $10 off coupon to Victoria's Secret in the mail today to celebrate his birthday. Haha. Recently we got a piece of mail for my step-grandmother, who died even before my father.
unico_love: (Delight)
Linni as a MLP )
unico_love: (Unico)
My friend, Jan, as a My Little Pony!:-) She's an ornithologist.
Jan as a My Little Pony )
unico_love: (Default)
These are Jan's wonderful drawings of us as My Little Ponies! I'm the pink pony and she's the bronze one:-)

My Little Pony Art )
unico_love: (Unico)
I found out something interesting when my mother was visiting -- apparently I started drawing (not just scribbling, but focusing for long periods of time and drawing) at 15 months old. I am guessing that is an "autistic thing." A lot of autistics start doing things early/late. Art is one of my biggest talents. Great news is that my mother's boyfriend may be able to have me sponsored through his rotary club to take art classes at the Dupage Art League! That would add more structure to my life and I could improve my art. I also could enter their art shows again. I feel like, knowing I was basically doing art before I was speaking, that I am meant to do art. That is what I was doing when I didn't fear judgment, when I didn't worry about messing up or not living up to someone's standards. Art is my calling.
unico_love: (red rose girl)
Photobucket
unico_love: (Delight)
How can I hate painting? I used to love it. I used to draw all day long starting at the age of 2. I'm good at art; I get positive feedback. When I do start painting I enter a zen-like peace and can keep going, enjoying it. But lately I just do not want to paint. That has been going on for quite awhile and the feeling is worse now, though I'm better about forcing myself to paint almost daily. Yet "forcing" yourself to be artistic sounds wrong somehow... I just want to read. Read and read all day long... Though even that was not that appealing about a month ago. So maybe I'm just going through a phase where painting is not enticing? I will keep painting, regardless, because I need to recapture my skills. I hope to finish my painting today. Then I have to get a really good canvas from Hobby Lobby to paint a baby bunny for a friend's baby shower. I'm looking more forward to that painting, actually. Maybe because it will feel more meaningful to me -- it's a gift.
unico_love: (Strange Beauty)
Updated my deviant art account: http://unico1313.deviantart.com/
Nothing especially impressive -- I'm still regaining my art skills after not painting much for a long time.
unico_love: (Strange Beauty)
The beauty it can capture about the natural world (including humans).

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (yellow girl with rose)
Winning a national award for a drawing/painting I did in high school.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (sailor moon beauty)

Midnight Queen by ~unico1313 on deviantART

The flowers are supposed to be orchids.
unico_love: (red rose girl)

Bridgett in a Red Coat by ~unico1313 on deviantART
unico_love: (Snow White)
Michael's cousin is interested in purchasing some paintings from me, which she saw on my Facebook (I finally uploaded some art there). At first she asked if I sell my paintings, which made me cringe a little, because I think people think I'm too lazy to try and get my art out there (much like my writing, which I have gotten positive feedback from literary agents on). It's not that easy to make a living in the arts! Maybe a graphic designer or something would have a steady job, but I can't do that sort of work. I have sold some paintings, but not many, and I never once won an award at the local art league. That was a little frustrating, because not only my paintings, but many other paintings I thought were superb, didn't win awards (there are monthly art shows/competitions at the art league). I can't get accepted into some art contests. Though I recently missed the deadline for an art competition at a nearby library which I wish I had participated in.

I don't really mind getting suggestions and critiques that I can learn from, but when people are overwhelmingly negative and/or arrogant (one editor told me that no one could give me better advice than him... Full of himself much?) I really feel poorly about myself and feel like my work is no good. I used to want to win awards and have outward success, but I feel a lot less stressed just focusing on how expressing my creativity makes me feel good and relaxed. I write and paint/draw primarily for myself, though I do love compliments. One art major from my college, on Facebook, said my art "blew her away":-) That made me feel good.

I do like sharing my work and I like concrete feedback (knowing exactly what I can do to improve my work), but I dislike when people just barrage me with negativity or (from the opposite end) assume it would be easy for me to make a living doing some type of creative endeavor. I've written five novels that I consider decent and have edited, gotten feedback on, etc. but none of them are published. I was told by one agent that I needed to probably make my work more "commercial." I can't make my work "commercial" or fit certain molds, just like I can't network. I do my work straight from my heart and complete creative works *I* enjoy and that make me happy. Over time I have come to find more peace at just working on pieces and showing them to people I'm close to and just keeping up my work, trying to always improve.

I probably have about 100+paintings, endless drawings, around 600 poems, and 5 (not completely embarrassing) novels completed. I don't even have the files organized well on my computer:P Which is bad and frustrating... I came up with the idea of a modern retelling of The Lady of Shallot, but it was too triggering me after writing all the notes and starting to write the story, so it's on the back burner. I have a ton of short story ideas I'd like to work on soon. Poetry comes most naturally to me lately, though. I'm trying to get into the habit of painting more again, too. Some of my poetry is coming out in an ezine again. I would like to maybe also submit a short story I wrote and a friend helped me edit.

I do still sometimes feel bad about not accomplishing more externally since leaving school, but I try to focus on just improving my work. I also feel super guilty about not having a real, paying job. A lot of people do not understand my situation. Obviously these people don't know me too well, given the fact that I was a mess at school from day 1.
unico_love: (Unico)
Today Michael and I went to the ballet Don Quixote. It was really enjoyable and the ballet and music were all completely new to me. We had great seats since we ordered the tickets in January. Afterward we went to Wheaton and went to Whole Foods and shared a big chocolate cupcake from there. Michael also had a can of soda with sugar in it instead of high fructose corn syrup (he prefers sugar). Then we went to Borders and browsed and wrote down titles to look up on amazon. I think I will order two tonight -- one on healing from trauma and one (workbook) on anxiety and mindfulness. Ever since starting to do Dialectical Behavior Therapy on myself I've become more interested in mindfulness and Eastern religion and philosophy. I will never become a Buddhist, but I can learn a lot from Buddhism, Taoism, etc.

We went to the second (our first) Young Adults Group at the Unitarian Universalist Church. It went very well! We all introduced ourselves and said what our high point of the past month was, the low point, and who our hero for the past month was. We started out outside because no one had a key to the church, but then we got inside as it got colder and we chatted some more and ate popcorn and salsa with chips. Then we played a board game. Due to my anxiety around game playing (I am afraid of not understanding the rules of a game and appearing stupid), I sat out, but watching was fun. Michael participated. Then everyone helped clean up and was just talking again. The art show is tomorrow and all the art was out and I showed everyone my painting and they all gave lots of compliments.

As usual I got asked if I sell my art:P I hate that question because it's hard to sell art and it usually involves networking -- I can't network. I would rather be in poverty and painting only for myself rather than network. One guy there said he knew a woman who showed her art in her house four times a year and served food. I could never do that for a multitude of reasons... He also asked for my card (!) and I said I didn't have one, but directed him to my website. He said he knows lots of people who collect art. It's all very awkward for me because I feel like an amateur pretending to be better than she really is. Two of the guys asked me if I work in other mediums (like sculpture, etc.) and I said, no, just drawing and painting. Basic stuff. The one who asked for my card said there was nothing "basic" about my art and it was extremely good. That was nice to hear, though embarrassing. I used to feel more ambitious about my art and writing, but now I just want to express myself and hopefully some others will like my work, too.

I started feeling ready to go home because it was getting late and there was a lot I wanted to do before bed. We are going to church tomorrow morning and I need more sleep than most people do. I felt guilty because Michael was enjoying himself and would have liked to stay longer. I should have just stuck around awhile longer... Maybe next time I won't need to leave early. Even getting home earlier than we would have I feel too tired to finish priming the other side of my plywood (that I'm going to paint).

The painting I displayed in the art show was this one:

Ophelia by ~unico1313 on deviantART
unico_love: (crystal ball)
LiveJournal seems down again, so I will have to re-post this later.

I forgot to mention on our last day in San Francisco Michael and I went to an art gallery. Some of the work was really good. There were some abstract works I liked and others that were quite blah to me. I really liked this one artist who did an art nouveau style of women with butterflies. There were also sketches by Rembrandt and Chagall. There were a lot of paintings by an artist who did plays on words featuring animals ("My ass is on the line," "booze hound," "A ray of hope," "cash cow," etc.). Those were fun to look at and try to figure out. Michael said that the cityscapes by one artist weren't as good as mine! That made me feel good about myself. A cityscape is what won me a national art award in high school and my art professor in college said I could make a living in Europe just painting the cities and selling them on the street (a street artist, I guess, which I have seen in New York City and now San Francisco).

I've always loved architecture and my mother and I both thought that would be a good career for me if I were able to do school and work a job. I've always loved houses (as a young child I would read books of blue-prints and catalogs of houses for sale), I love art, and I'm pretty good at math. Architecture would have been a pretty practical career to go into for me... Oh well, I can't handle the stress, people, or pressure so it's a moot point.
unico_love: (Unico)

White Rabbit by ~unico1313 on deviantART
unico_love: (Cat mask)
Today Michael and I met with a woman from the church for our new membership interviews. Caribou Coffee was super crowded, which I didn't expect at 2pm on a Friday. We had to wait to find a parking spot, though we did get a table when we went inside. Michael's OCD was bothered by people there using their computers, but he stuck it out, which is good for him (challenging his OCD with exposure to his obsessions). The coffee made me really nauseated, unfortunately. I took a Zofran back in the car before we left.

The interview went well, I think, but it's always awkward for me to explain I never finished school and can't work or go to school. I do art and writing, but it's a lot harder to make money from those than a lot of people think. Some people do get lucky or get some connections through their college/university, etc. but I do not make money off my writing or art. The woman (Rose) suggested I try to write a memoir about my youth and bizarre family situation, but I've already proposed that to agents to no avail. I thought I had nothing to say about myself and I feel like I've done nothing with my life, but I kept thinking up things I had done (an internship with the Smithsonian, teaching English to Burmese refugees, etc.) and Rose seemed to think it was a lot. When Amber and I were still in college our art history professor told Amber it was amazing how much I had done for my age, which sounded weird to me then. Certainly the past few years I have been mostly introverted and focused on myself, so I feel even less accomplished now. Hopefully as my mental state improves I will start doing more and more again, though, but without overloading myself. Even volunteering my mother thinks I should wait on until I'm consistently feeling better. Also it would help if I could drive...

I think a lot of the obsessions I develop when I'm stressed and not doing well mentally may be related to my inferior extroverted sensing. My body image is worse and more obsessive, I develop disordered eating, I obsess about being clean, went through a period of obsessive teeth brushing, sometimes obsessively exercise, etc. I use extroverted sensing in a rather unhealthy and compulsive way to try and control my environment when I feel internally out of control. I just realized I could relate this to personality typing.
unico_love: (Default)
Here is the painting I just did. I tend to focus more on color in my works, so the scale isn't exact. I never use measuring tools or straight edges. I also don't sketch. I just start painting and keep going until I am satisfied. It really annoys me, though, that my arches are so off. Oh, well.

Roman Sunlight Painting )
unico_love: (Default)
Painting of Dolly and Diamond )

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August 2013

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