unico_love: (crystal ball)
Not feeling anxious unless I leave my bed. Occasionally I can go out shopping, if there is a hint of a "reward." I overdraw my bank account by $4, but didn't get penalized. I also went over my credit card by about the same amount, but didn't get penalized. I've been taking from savings. I guess overspending has been helping me avoid my real problems and acted as a form of escapism. I've bought a lot of new clothes because nothing in my closet fits. Still gaining weight... I'm going to get my colors done into a personalized fan, which my mother thinks is a waste of money. Well buying new clothes in styles and colors that look good on me and obsessing over the color and style analysis is taking my mind off the fact that I look pregnant and feel fat. It's either this or *completely* starve myself and then end up back inpatient in the ED Ward and spend the money on that instead. Which would she prefer? I mean, I have no appetite. It's common at 11pm for me to ask Michael if I had remembered to eat that day.

John Kitchener, my favorite color/style analyst, I think, considers me half Romantic and half Youthful (AKA Ingenue in other systems). Both are completely yin. He said to think "Marilyn Monroe meets Emma Stone." That made me feel a little better about my appearance. I never before cared for Marilyn Monroe, but now I'm starting to. I want to learn more about her and watch "My Week with Marilyn" because she sounds like she was a very sweet and naive person. I'll always be an Audrey Hepburn first first, though. When I'm healthy my weight/size is a little closer to Audrey's (by a *smidge*) but I have a more rounded figure than her still and a face more like Marilyn's. So, still more of a Romantic.

John also said, color-wise, he saw Winter, Spring, and Summer in me and that I'm a tough case (no wonder I kept switching what season I thought I was!). He could see me as a Snowflake Winter (the shortest and most delicate -- personality-wise like Snow White or Alice from Alice in Wonderland), a Soft Spring, or a Summer. He said he saw a lot of "Subtle-Blended in me, AKA Summer). He is coming out with a book explaining all this next year. Very excited about it! He's a very kind man who adopted a litter of kittens (6!) and wrote on my FB and conversed with me despite his business and my inability to pay him. It's good I've decided to go the route of having a personalized fan made instead of a draping given that I probably don't fit neatly into one season (I'll see what my analyst has to say, but I think she agrees, as most do, that I am LSp mostly). I'm also a "Playful Winter: The Ballerina" in another typing system, which I love.

My mother is really tense and anxious lately and often takes it out on me. That makes me anxious and I feel like a failure. My brother can also have a snobby attitude, like he's in-charge of my mother's house. All the cats are over there now as she tries to sell this house. I still haven't gotten my salivary cortisol test results back! As I said before, I have osteoporosis and got those results back.

Izzy is back in the US! Saw her in Chicago first for a showing of My Neighbor Totoro and then to see the Chicago Art Institute's museum. We saw a special showcase of Impressionism, Fashion, and Modernity. Impressionism is my favorite so I'm so glad we went and saw it! I'd wanted to see it since I'd last been in Chicago months ago and I saw a poster for it at a bus stop. I was in a lot of pain, though, in my legs, hips, lower back, and shoulder wear I keep my purse. Maybe due to not enough exercise? I have no idea. I am okay sitting in bed, but sleeping or walking/standing hurts.

Today I went to a thrift shop today and bought a lot of tops, mostly in corals, light blues, and dark purples. I couldn't fit into a Medium Aeropostale top. That was... upsetting. At my healthy weight I comfortably wore a Small from there, both top and bottom.
unico_love: (Hotaru with umbrella)
My facial cost more than I expected (I guess my price last time was only for first-time visitors) and I was talked into buying toner for sensitive skin. I hope the toner helps... I have very dry skin with big red patches near my nose. The facial felt good, at least. I might invest in a more expensive moisturizer for dry skin to use at night, while using my regular spf 30 Eucerin in the morning. I also have stupidly been using an exfoliating scrub every night and that's probably irritating my skin. While my skin is like this I will try to stick to just Cetaphil (a very mild cleanser).

I don't feel too bad about all that because I owed less on my credit card than I expected. I also bought an expensive book on amazon (used). It's like the female version of "The Hero's Journey" with lots of discussion of fairy tales. I have some books I should probably start reading tonight... I have been so lazy lately.

Also I'm bloated again today, though not as badly as yesterday. I'm thinking Zoloft is the culprit because I wasn't having any bloating issues before I started it. So I'm going to start taking Zoloft at night instead of in the morning to see if I can sleep through the bloating. Of course, that didn't work with my old birth control pills, but it's worth a try.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
Personal Myth )
unico_love: (childlike empress)
-"Anytime we undergo an initiation, we experience a death of our previous identity. When we come through the other side, it's as if we were a new creature, emerging gloriously from the primordial ooze that was our former life. Shaking off the muck and the fear, we turn our face to the sun and move forward boldly in our new skin. After the initiation of death, we no longer identify with the circumstances that used to seem so very important. The new self has a wisdom the old self lacked. When you are resurrected, you realize you have a sacred power to participate in making your world a paradise."
-pg. 173, Illumination: The Shaman's Way of Healing, by Alberto Villoldo
unico_love: (Cat mask)
I've been reading Personality Cafe forums a lot the past few days. For the Myers-Briggs my personality type is INFJ and I decided to write down how I think I use my main functions (the shadow functions are rarely used or tend to be used in negative ways). Even though the fourth function is usually weak, it is usually not actually a part of the shadow, supposedly.

Introverted Intuition - My interest in religion and philosophy, my focus on abstracted and personal spirituality, theorizing, being slow to take in outside information, always trying to understand myself in abstract ways, ideas for artistic endeavors and abstracting the environment for my work

Extroverted Feeling - Taking great interest in other people, focusing heavily on my relationships, preferring harmony among people, thinking in terms of what "should" be, trying to enforce my values on others sometimes, being sympathetic, worrying about hurting other people or dissonance between people, evaluating art and writing based on how it feels to me and reflects my preferences

Introverted Thinking - Reflecting on information I gather and trying to organize it into models, relating everything back to myself and trying to understand myself, sometimes being rigid in my thinking and being illogical when I think I am being logical (still developing this function)

Extroverted Sensing - Enjoying physical activities like ballet and gymnastics (maybe also yoga? You are supposed to be mindful during yoga and be aware of your surroundings...), taking in outside stimuli and applying it to my art (paintings/drawings of what I see -- not usually abstract art), obsessing over certain kinds of food, enjoying nature and the environment when in the right mindset, tendency to not notice my physical environment in certain ways (because it's a weak function) and even weaker in noticing things within my body (Introverted Sensing? My weakest function?), paying close attention to beauty and appearance of bodies (including my own)
unico_love: (Delight)
I was feeling a bit depressed and anxious when I woke up this morning, but I pushed it aside and took a shower/got dressed and then went over to my mother's house. I talked to my mother and brother for awhile and then felt a lot better. I just think I need more interpersonal contact. I find it difficult and overwhelming to meet new people (it's much easier online), but I like having close friends and spending time with people. Even when I want to do independent activities like art or reading I like to be in the same room as people I like. It's very rare that I prefer to be completely alone. I do get overloaded at social events with a lot of people (especially if I don't know them well) and I am an introvert, but I'm not as introverted as some people I know.

Going by Jung's personality typology, I am Introverted Intuition dominant with Extroverted Feeling secondary. I definitely do relate to people most through my feeling faculty. Emotions, personal issues, values, evaluations of things from a personal perspective/likes and dislikes are what I like to talk about and the angle on which I tend to focus. I'm not as in to exchanging less emotion-ridden factual information the way a lot of autistics do, though I can monologue about my special interests and foci if given the opportunity. I have an intense interest in people and relationships and spend a lot of time thinking about them. I also think a lot about my own self and trying to understand myself, which is more introverted. My special interests like fairy tales and archetypes I try to apply to myself and relationships. I think it will be good for me once Michael lives here all the time.
unico_love: (Unico)
I've decided my symbol for my Happiness Project should (obviously) be the unicorn. Unicorns bring me a lot of happiness, they are one of my major collections, and I admire many traits attributed to the unicorn. Unicorns tend to represent peace and joy, especially within nature. They are trusting, yet can be dangerous if crossed. I don't wish to be dangerous when crossed, but to be able to stand up for myself and those I care about. I've already written a lot about the unicorn as an archetype and it has a magical quality for me/resonance. When I'm struggling I will think of the unicorn and how I want to develop.
unico_love: (waterhouse nymph)
I'm reading another book on archetypes. I relate well to this concept. I often feel like different influences affect my behavior and goals. I have specific ideals that I rigidly cling to. I'm not good at letting life just happen on its own. My emotions are all over the place when something doesn't go as anticipated. I try to think of my problems as struggles in fairy tales. I have to go through certain trials to reach the good waiting for me at the end. It's a way to keep my hopes up and to keep me moving. Sometimes things might seem unbearable, but somewhere in there is hope and the potential for progress. This is why fairy tales mean so much to me. Sometimes it takes a clever approach, but the bad can be figured out and overcome.
unico_love: (Sandman)
I was recently reading about the Trickster archetype, and it felt really relevant to my life right now. I have been going through some major personal crises, but they are things others would deal with better. I need to find the humor in my situations instead of treating everything as life-or-death. I have to see these arduous circumstances as ones that can lead me down a new path of growth, a wealth of potentially good surprises. I have to just relax and let life take it's course, because the more I resist, the more anxious and depressed I get. We can't control everything -- especially the choices of other people. Sometimes what seems negative at first turns out to have positive consequences. I need to get out of this rut of thought and feeling and open myself up more to the world. It might be dangerous at times, but there is much that can be gained, as well. I can't plan out the future bit by bit; things never turn out how you expect them to.
unico_love: (Sandman)
By Maria von Franz in Robert Johnson's Owning Your Shadow:

"Jung has said that to be in a situation where there is no way out, or to be in a conflict where there is no solution, is the classical beginning of the process of individuation. It is meant to be a situation without solution.: the unconscious wants the hopeless conflict in order to put the ego-consciousness up against the wall, so that the man has to realize that whatever he does is wrong, whichever way he decides will be wrong. This is meant to knock out the superiority of the ego, which always acts from the illusion that it has the responsibility of decision. Naturally, if a man says, "Oh well, I shall just let everything go and make no decision, but just protract and wriggle out of it," the whole thing is equally wrong,f or then naturally nothing happens. But if he is ethical enough to suffer to the core of his personality, the generally... the Self manifests." (p. 94)
unico_love: (snow white)
I haven't felt so well today so far, but hopefully I will start feeling better this afternoon/evening. I'm tired and lounging around. I'm in the middle of some writing (including a short story I think I will start transcribing to my computer later today). I was really inspired by the writing style of Ashputtle by Peter Straub , which I read last night. It's in the collection Black Thorn, White Rose, which I finished today. I absolutely love retellings of fairy tales. My stories tend to have fairy tale themes in them, and at least one is kind of a retelling of Red Riding Hood. I like applying fairy tales to all different situations and people and times and places. The archetypes in fairy tales really cross all boundaries. I love anthropomorphizing (or otherwise making concrete associations with) abstract concepts, too. I have to have some kind of visual/feeling attachment to a concept in order for it to start making sense to me and for me to start making it into patterns with other material.

I would like to read more by Jane Yolen soon, who has written books in this vein of fairy tale retellings.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I was reading more recently about how it's very common for people to think of their lives in the form of a narrative stories. I think in stories, partly, so this is definitely true for me. Everything is a story to me, and I used to feel I "knew" my role. Not my role as assigned by others, and not simply my ideal self, but I had a general idea of my beliefs and what I should do, and who I was. It wasn't much of an issue for me. I felt I knew my place in my story. Certain recurring themes came up, but it wasn't restrictive. In fact, it made me feel fulfilled and expansive. I don't know my role anymore. It's like one thread started unraveling, and the whole tapestry followed. I fell into a gaping black hole. I like when I get reminiscent reminders that there is some positive role I could play in the world, that my identity from before hasn't completely disappeared. I suppose I will always be changed to some extent, but maybe in some way those changes could be more of an expansion on my former self than destroying and replacing my former self. Simply a form of growth instead of feeling like "a different person." I didn't usually think overly highly of myself, but I didn't mind who I was in a lot of ways. Probably that's why I often just wish for a return to "how things used to be." Maybe it would help if I wrote stories around what I want my life to be, what I want to make of my life. What I want my personal mythology to develop into, so everything can be salvaged in some sense.
unico_love: (Default)

This site has an alphabetized listing of archetypes with great detail and examples. I skimmed it and read closely the entries that reminded me of myself and other people. Archetypes help me make sense of things. These are the archetypes I most identified with in the listing, and the ones that made me think of two good friends.

Me (Bridgett): Artist, Magical/Innocent Child or Divine Child, Damsel/Princess, Wounded Healer, Lover, Martyr, Monk/Nun, Mystic, Poet, Virgin

Amber: Angel, Nature Child, Caretaker, Companion/Sidekick;-), Mediator, Mother/Mother Nature, Poet, Virgin

Nathaniel: Magical/Innocent Child, Artist, Judge/Critic, Mediator, Poet, Rescuer, Seeker, Shape-shifter, Student, Wizard
unico_love: (Default)
[livejournal.com profile] azalynn showed me t his very fairy tale-esque picture on flicker: http://www.flickr.com/photos/telzey/2121847639/
Sometimes I wish I could actually do photography and interesting digital techniques. My art is pretty simple technique-wise.

It came with this wonderful Yeats poem.

The Stolen Child )
unico_love: (snow white)
I just read the beginning introductory sections of The Annotated Brothers Grimm by Maria Tatar. I always loved fairy tales, but developed an interest in archetypes and fairy tale analysis in high school and began reading books on that topic, in addition to the fairy tales, myths, and folktales themselves. I could relate to a lot of what the introduction said about fairy tales, and the structure of fairy tales meshes well with my preference for structure. I always mentally build systems and visual-spatial catalogues, and the simplicity and directness of fairy tales make them much easier for me to comprehend than a lot of fiction. Everything is left open enough, the characters and the settings, for me to vividly create imagery that best suits me and my needs, and I can easily put myself and people I know in the various positions of the characters. Fairy tale worlds manage to both be magical and predictable. Certain sequences of events are typical in the narrative and there tends to be certain consequences for certain actions. Fairy tales tend toward rule-based systems. Of course, strange things happen and not every tale is the same, but there are many common, archetypal features. Fairy tales leave room for your imagination to take over, for the elements that have personal meaning to you to come to the forefront, for the cruelties and chaos in real life to be recreated in another magical world where things actually make sense, and redemption and closure are possible.

This also makes me think of a recent essay I read by Jorge Borges, entitled "Narrative Art and Magic." He also talks about the magic of language and words, and the transformation they can provide. (Makes sense with the theme of "magic words" in folklore).
unico_love: (lady of shallott)
This was inspired by a post by [livejournal.com profile] matadin but I only gave a brief answer in his journal, but because I am so interested in mythology and archetypes I thought I would write a longer post on myself, and what kind of archetypes and mythological beings I relate to.

More on Archetypes )
unico_love: (Default)
I'm just doing this in a summary format. ^_^

Unicorns )
unico_love: (Default)
I forgot this for awhile, but my mother's maiden name tranlates close to "unicorn" and her family crest has a unicorn on it, as well as the hand of God reaching out of a cloud. There's a lot of white and light blue on it. I think that's neat^.^

Magical Personality Quiz and Anime Character Quiz )


unico_love: (Default)

August 2013



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