unico_love: (crystal ball)
Not feeling anxious unless I leave my bed. Occasionally I can go out shopping, if there is a hint of a "reward." I overdraw my bank account by $4, but didn't get penalized. I also went over my credit card by about the same amount, but didn't get penalized. I've been taking from savings. I guess overspending has been helping me avoid my real problems and acted as a form of escapism. I've bought a lot of new clothes because nothing in my closet fits. Still gaining weight... I'm going to get my colors done into a personalized fan, which my mother thinks is a waste of money. Well buying new clothes in styles and colors that look good on me and obsessing over the color and style analysis is taking my mind off the fact that I look pregnant and feel fat. It's either this or *completely* starve myself and then end up back inpatient in the ED Ward and spend the money on that instead. Which would she prefer? I mean, I have no appetite. It's common at 11pm for me to ask Michael if I had remembered to eat that day.

John Kitchener, my favorite color/style analyst, I think, considers me half Romantic and half Youthful (AKA Ingenue in other systems). Both are completely yin. He said to think "Marilyn Monroe meets Emma Stone." That made me feel a little better about my appearance. I never before cared for Marilyn Monroe, but now I'm starting to. I want to learn more about her and watch "My Week with Marilyn" because she sounds like she was a very sweet and naive person. I'll always be an Audrey Hepburn first first, though. When I'm healthy my weight/size is a little closer to Audrey's (by a *smidge*) but I have a more rounded figure than her still and a face more like Marilyn's. So, still more of a Romantic.

John also said, color-wise, he saw Winter, Spring, and Summer in me and that I'm a tough case (no wonder I kept switching what season I thought I was!). He could see me as a Snowflake Winter (the shortest and most delicate -- personality-wise like Snow White or Alice from Alice in Wonderland), a Soft Spring, or a Summer. He said he saw a lot of "Subtle-Blended in me, AKA Summer). He is coming out with a book explaining all this next year. Very excited about it! He's a very kind man who adopted a litter of kittens (6!) and wrote on my FB and conversed with me despite his business and my inability to pay him. It's good I've decided to go the route of having a personalized fan made instead of a draping given that I probably don't fit neatly into one season (I'll see what my analyst has to say, but I think she agrees, as most do, that I am LSp mostly). I'm also a "Playful Winter: The Ballerina" in another typing system, which I love.

My mother is really tense and anxious lately and often takes it out on me. That makes me anxious and I feel like a failure. My brother can also have a snobby attitude, like he's in-charge of my mother's house. All the cats are over there now as she tries to sell this house. I still haven't gotten my salivary cortisol test results back! As I said before, I have osteoporosis and got those results back.

Izzy is back in the US! Saw her in Chicago first for a showing of My Neighbor Totoro and then to see the Chicago Art Institute's museum. We saw a special showcase of Impressionism, Fashion, and Modernity. Impressionism is my favorite so I'm so glad we went and saw it! I'd wanted to see it since I'd last been in Chicago months ago and I saw a poster for it at a bus stop. I was in a lot of pain, though, in my legs, hips, lower back, and shoulder wear I keep my purse. Maybe due to not enough exercise? I have no idea. I am okay sitting in bed, but sleeping or walking/standing hurts.

Today I went to a thrift shop today and bought a lot of tops, mostly in corals, light blues, and dark purples. I couldn't fit into a Medium Aeropostale top. That was... upsetting. At my healthy weight I comfortably wore a Small from there, both top and bottom.
unico_love: (Default)
Today I went to my neurologist. They took me on-time, no wait at all. However, I was in the appointment for over an hour. They tried to get the labs from my endocrinologist. The nurse practitioner was a bit annoying... She insisted I had low cortisol because I had low cortisol from my March 2012 lab. I have high cortisol according to the past couple of months. She said I couldn't have a pituitary tumor because none showed on my summer 2012 MRI. I asked the endocrinologist the same question and she said pituitary gland tumors don't show on those kinds of MRI's -- she has to do a "different, deep pituitary MRI." The nurse practitioner asked if I drove (no), if I worked (no), if I cooked (no), and then she asked "Well, what do you do?" to which I didn't answer. Because I've had 3 seizures (1 tonic-clonic in my sleep, 2 complex-partial) seizures since late November, that means my seizures aren't completely controlled (though it's certainly good enough for me), so the nurse practitioner wanted to add Keppra to my Topamax. At least if they had to add a drug I'm glad it would be that one. I've been on it before for Bipolar and I don't get "Keppra rage." The doctor disagreed, though, and just increased me to the maximum amount of Topamax. He also tested my blood levels of Topamax today (which I did right after the appointment, in the hospital). I guess they were also concerned that I was having more seizures than I was aware of; it is possible, given I had several seizures on my 24 hour eeg and I wasn't aware of any of them.

The nurse practitioner *did* say that if I have a pituitary gland tumor, she can't guarantee that after it's treated my seizures and migraines will go away. That's okay, but the fact that *maybe* they will is encouraging! The fact that once the hypothetical tumor is treated I might be much more emotionally stable is even more encouraging and exciting! And even if they don't find a tumor, I will still be treated to lower my prolactin, which should greatly help me emotionally. As for the cortisol, that's still all up in the air. I still think they are testing me for Cushings and I don't know how long that will go on for or what will happen if I have it. That's scarier territory. If I have it it's in the early stages, whereas my prolactinoma (tumor secreting tons of prolactin) might have been around since puberty, just getting worse and worse, adding more and more symptoms. One of the major symptoms is irregular periods, and my periods have been rare from the start. My bipolar, anxiety, and seizures (not tonic-clonic) began around age 19. My libido and ability to orgasm ended in early 2005. Sex became more painful in late 2008. I gained weight suddenly late 2011 and my depression worsened then. I attempted suicide spring 2012. My daily migraines, fainting, tachycardia, tonic-clonic seizures, and weakness began spring 2012. I gained more weight suddenly in late summer/early fall 2012. Sex became even more painful. My vision sometimes started getting more blurry and I started getting headaches sometimes, though not migraines. I grew more weak in 2013, back like how I was in the summer. Since going off my birth control pills in mid-February to test my hormones I have not gone back on it and have not had my period. That was another dumb question asked in the neuro's office "Why aren't you getting your period?" I'd already told them my prolactin is sky-high. My body thinks it's majorly pregnant and/or nursing!

These are all my problems a prolactinoma might account for:
-Depression
-Anxiety
-Hostility
-Irritability
-Suicidality
-Irregular periods/rare periods/amenorrhea
-Infertility (though I want to keep that! No babies for me, thanks!)
-Anorgasmia
-No libido
-Vaginal dryness
-Painful sex
-Vision problems
-Migraines
-Headaches, in general
-Hot flashes
-Cold sweats
-Seizures
-Memory problems
-Bad decision making
-Over-sensitivity
-Physical weakness
-Needing 12+ hours of sleep a day
-Fatigue
-Fainting
-Collapsing
-Dizziness
-Nausea attacks
-Weight gain
-Loss of body hair
-Joint pain, bone pain, and muscle pain
-Hypothyroidism

The one symptom I *don't* have, that my endocrinologist was shocked at, given my prolactin levels, was lactation. I have never lactated, which is partly why I was so shocked to find out my prolactin was so high and wreaking havoc on my mind and body. I remember getting the test order and seeing prolactin on it and thinking "Prolactin? Why is she testing *that?* This is dumb."

So any or all of these things might get better with my prolactin levels controlled! For all I know, I'm not even bipolar! I was stable as a rock, just very sensitive, until I hit 19 and everything fell to pieces!



-
unico_love: (Delight)
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
Dealing with stressful, anxiety-provoking, scary, painful, negative, unjust, and cruel situations.

30 Day List Meme )
unico_love: (Strange Beauty)
Well I've been unproductive so far today:P I think I'm finally going to start reading the Philip K Dick book Izzy gave me. It's quite a long book, so I will probably pace myself and read other books at the same time. I'd also like to look through my clothes, build a bigger pile of what to get rid of, and find a few missing items. I did have some anxiety this morning, so it was my morning anxiety meds, as usual:P But I've only been on levothyroxine a week and a half or so -- there's still plenty of time for it to help more. Overall, I have noticed a lessening of my anxiety aside from last night. I'm feeling less obsessive over my weight. Today I think I look good:-) Because my anxiety is always worse at night I'm going to ask my doctor if she thinks I should take vitamin D supplements and/or return to calcium supplements. I was on calcium while anorexic, but stopped taking them when I ran out and was no longer underweight.

Edit: I just purchased high-potency Vitamin D3 and a Calcium/Magnesium combination supplement. I'm also going to increase my B-Complex+Vitamin C to two times a day and my Fish Oil to 2 times a day.
unico_love: (Cat mask)
I have this problem lately -- but not every single day. The problem is I'm needing Klonopin more often again. I take it less than prescribed (2mg twice a day), but I have to or I have too high a tolerance. In the morning I wake up anxious and I take my 20mg of Ritalin LA and 300mg Neurontin and I feel great. Sometimes so great that I forget to take my second dose of 20mg Ritalin LA and 300-600mg Neurontin until 5:30pm. Yesterday and today I both had to take Neurontin, Ritalin LA, and Klonopin shortly after 3pm. I feel like a failure:( I feel like I should have my anxiety more under control by now and I have no idea why I'm so responsive to my meds in the morning (and feel really great), yet not in the afternoons. The afternoon dose rarely seems to have much effect at all, really, even on good days where I don't need it (but take it, like I'm prescribed). Does anyone have any idea why my anxiety would be more stubborn in the afternoon (before sunset -- night makes me anxious, too) than in the morning?

I wonder if my hypothyroidism plays a result. I've been reading that people can have effects from thyroid problems before those problems even show up in blood tests. So maybe I've been subclinically hypothyroid for years and that's why my anxiety worsened. I've even read hypothyroidism can be misdiagnosed as bipolar. Honestly? If I'm going to have a thyroid problem I'd rather some of my anxiety and my bipolar be due to it and when I find the right hormone dosage I will feel a lot better and more normal (like before age 19). I did test slightly high on my tsh test when I was 22 and suspected to have hyperthyroidism -- a little about 2. So maybe my thyroid problem has been building since then? This is all very interesting to me.
unico_love: (Delight)
I've had anxiety since I woke up, which is disappointing since I had no anxiety yesterday. I took L-Tryptophan, which seems to be helping a bit. If I need to I will give in and take Klonopin later. I'm watching Beastly again. I have been watching it daily. I still have to finish rereading the book... I also have a new book in the same reality as Beastly to read soon. I had a Luna bar for breakfast. I might have a smoothie later. I also intend t paint. I think I'm slowly improving my painting...
unico_love: (sailor moon beauty)
Today had its good points and its bad points. I felt super talkative and active until around 4:30pm, when the nightly anxiety set in. I was surprised, because usually it happens after sunset. I was panicking a lot, unsure if Michael and I should go to the church's Young Adult Group tonight. I took 1200mg Neurontin instead of 300 (because I'd also tried 600 and 900 in the past to no avail) to help my anxiety. While driving to YAG I decided I was too anxious to go sit there for a couple hours about how to be a more welcoming congregation to LGBTQ (is that right? I'm really off right now). I wish we had gone because Charlotte, the intern, is a very spiritual person we would like to talk to, especially since she's leaving in a few weeks. It sounds like few people went to YAG:( So I do feel guilty.

We went into Walmart (it was on the way to the church) and I bought Michael a pair of cheap pants as part of his Valentine's Day gift. We also bought other things... Like cookies>_> Of which I chose to partake in large quantities. My anxiety was so relieved that I could handle the maze of checkout at Walmart. That is rare for me! Then Michael stopped at a couple groceries stores (I stayed in the car reading). Then we put on Wayne's World 2 and played Scrabble. I started feeling woozy, almost certainly from the Neurontin. I intend to call my psychiatrist Monday night to ask him what I should do about the Neurontin/my anxiety. It worked great for a month, but then the night-time dose stopped working.

Tomorrow morning we are probably going to the Lutheran church I went to for Sunday school. It is super close and seems rather liberal (a female pastor, as well as a male one, sermons concerned about the environment, economic crisis, and how "The War on Terror" has just caused more problems, etc. I hope they are supportive of gay/queer rights. If they are then I can imagine myself getting comfortable at this church... Michael and I still relate to Christianity in some ways and the UU church has been lacking in spirituality. Church friends of ours feel the same way. If we start going to the Lutheran church we will still go to the UU church for certain services (Beltane is coming up!) I guess I feel like I'm a Christian-pagan in some ways. That is something I will have to dig into more.
unico_love: (Strange Beauty)
I was really out of it last night! I kept thinking I was on Ambien because I felt so high, but, no, just Klonopin. I think my tolerance has decreased since I take it so (comparatively) rarely now. I did a lot of online shopping... My mother asked for a pretty hoodie like the kind I gave her at Christmas. She didn't ask me to buy her one -- just to find one for her that she could buy. I found a white one with red flowers on it on ebay, new, and I bought it. It was expensive with expensive shipping (shipping from Great Britain), but I was on Klonopin, so what did I care? At least I stopped, last minute, from ordering over $50 from Forever21 because shipping is free with a $50 purchase. I found a hoodie there, too, which is what led me to almost make the big purchase. I can't afford it, so thank goodness I backed out. I had some kind of issue getting the site to work properly. I also bought Michael his main Valentine's Day gift. I might need to start cutting my 2mg Klonopins in half... Which would make me happy to do!
unico_love: (Possession)
I have a stomachache right now:( I'm too full. I feel bad that I had to take Klonopin again this evening for anxiety. Neurontin works great on my morning anxiety and lasts me a long time. I often forget to take my second dose for awhile because I still feel fine. However, my second dose neither gets rid of already existing anxiety nor prevents it from returning. Even when I take 2 pills (600mg) I tend not to feel better. I can't go back to taking Klonopin daily because it will probably stop working for me again. Last night I didn't have any anxiety. It all seems very random...

I started (finally) reading a new book today -- The Witch Must Die. And Michael and I are watching the anime Dunbine from 1983. I finished my painting yesterday. Not sure what I'm going to paint next.
unico_love: (yellow girl with rose)
Just wanted to say, for the first time in over a month, I did not wake up with severe nausea! I hope it's because I'm back on only 25mg of Zoloft (the smallest starting dose, though I guess you could cut it in half and start with 12.5mg). I only took 25mg two nights ago, but still felt nauseated yesterday morning. I didn't need Zofran, though. Today there was no nausea. Hopefully this will continue and I can take Zofran very infrequently. And my depression is still just as under control. I increase the dose because it wasn't helping my anxiety, but at 50mg it still wasn't helping my anxiety. Then going on Neurontin almost completely controlled my anxiety. I sometimes had slight anxiety at night and took an extra Neurontin (or, in the case of last night, a Klonopin), but I haven't had free-floating anxiety. That leads me to sometimes forgetting to take my evening dose of Neurontin and taking it a bit late. And Klonopin greatly affected me and helped last night, which it hadn't been doing before because my body was so used to it. A 2+ week break from Klonopin and now it helps me again. I hope to take no more thank 1 Klonopin a week. Hopefully more like 1 every 2-3 weeks, like lately.
unico_love: (Cat mask)
Well my anxiety was back this morning, so I gave in and took Ritalin LA. A few hours later I felt anxious again so tried L-Tryptophan and it helped! It generally does help if I'm on an empty stomach (or close to it), but I usually eat so much on Zyprexa it's never a good time to take L-Tryptophan. I'm going to call my psychiatrist tonight. Also I've been nauseated today...

I really need to write poetry again... I've just been editing my poems (very slowly). I also need to paint today, but I keep putting off because I'm nervous I will mess up the background. I will try and work on it now, though.
unico_love: (Snow White)
Talking to strangers. Maybe I have social anxiety. I've never been diagnosed with it, though. At least, not to my knowledge.

30 Day Meme )
unico_love: (sailor moon beauty)
Today went pretty well. First I went with Michael to his therapy appointment and sat in the waiting room. He discussed with his therapist how he has all these connecting conditions and how they would make sense as just autism/Asperger Syndrome (Sensory Integration Disorder, OCD, ADHD, social issues, Auditory Processing Disorder, etc.) Then we had half-priced milk shakes at Steak n' Shake. Then we went to a church friend's house to watch the first two Star Wars movies (chronologically) on blu-ray. I read most of The Time Traveler's Wife while the movies were playing. I've seen them in theater. Sunday after church we will finish the second and watch the third. I was a bit anxious earlier in the first movie, but by the time we had pizza for dinner I was calmer and it was easy to stay still and read. I didn't even need Klonopin. Now it's time for me to take my medications and go to bed.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I'm glad LiveJournal seems to be working again. I have had bad focus lately... I did manage to finish a painting, do some poetry writing, and read some of Borges. I've also still had dumb television shows playing in the background. I just like at least playing a dvd in the background so I don't feel so alone (Michael is often in his room and today he's been at his parents' homes). I haven't been too depressed lately, but many days I still struggle with anxiety. I went swimming a bit earlier today. I will swim more this week (my mother's boyfriend's pool). I am still obsessing over clothes and thinking about what I would like to buy. Fortunately I'm not giving into temptation. Today my mother tried to teach me how to balance my checkbook. Hopefully I will do better at it from now on...

Hot Day

Jul. 18th, 2011 09:16 pm
unico_love: (Delight)
Today I briefly went swimming in my mother's boyfriend's pool down the street. My new bathing suit seems to fit pretty well... Then we went grocery shopping and I bought a lot of relatively healthy foods since mostly I eat junk. I read more Russian fairy tales and streamed the movie Cyberbully which just came out on ABC Family. Michael and I might watch some anime tonight. My brother might sleep over tonight because there's no air-conditioning in my mother's house (there is in my house and my mother's boyfriend's house -- where my mother usually sleeps). I have had temptations to spend money, but so far have not given in. I'm going to do stretches now and draw a bit. My mood today has been pretty stable aside from the anxiety of leaving the house to go to the grocery store. I also had my credit card paid off online! It was taken out of my checking account. That will be an easier way to pay.
unico_love: (Delight)
Today Michael and I returned home and then quickly drove to the train station and arrived just as Izzy's train was pulling in. We went out to Woodfield Mall (a very large mall) and I bought new underwear that I found much more attractive than the current designs/patterns at Victoria's Secret. I went to Aerie, which is part of American Eagle Outfitters. I am sure I will buy from there again. Izzy and I tried on clothes elsewhere, too, and she bought a top. We then went to IKEA and looked around and then ate there really cheaply. Then we went to Meijer and then the Japanese marketplace, Mitsuwa. Izzy found some snacks that reminded her of places she's lived in the past in East Asia and bought those. We stopped at ALDI for groceries, though I stayed in the car. I was getting anxious because we were out of water (we take bottled water with us usually) and I worried I'd need to take an anxiety pill or nausea pill and wouldn't be able to (I can't swallow pills without liquid). I fortunately didn't panic too bad. Then we got back home and I took my second dose of Ritalin LA which helped with the anxiety aspect. Izzy's computer is hooked up to the internet now and I'm probably going to bed soon. Maybe I will sleep in tomorrow. Probably, knowing me. I'm glad Izzy is here and we've had a fun day:-)

Easter

Apr. 24th, 2011 10:10 pm
unico_love: (childlike empress)
Today went well, overall. I had trouble waking up and getting up this morning, which made me nauseated. I wore a nice pink dress today that I assumed was too small for me since I used to wear it when I was underweight, but it still fits. Michael and I exchanged Easter baskets (we gave each other much candy and I gave him a book, which made him decide to buy me a book). Then we went to church and were almost late. It was a really nice service about caring for the earth and caring for other people. Two Michael Jackson songs were done and there were children's drawings of love and earth from the projector. The children's choir sang. There was an excerpt from The Velvetine Rabbit (which we are also using in our commitment ceremony). I returned the book I borrowed and borrowed a dvd of the service I missed in March on Transcendentalism and Buddhism.

Then we ate lunch at my mother's house. She cooked a lot. Michael and Tommy (my brother) played a Mario Bros. game in the living room. I didn't try playing because the newer Mario games are too hard for me:( Then later this evening Michael and I watched Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind. It just ended.

I did have a bit of an anger problem/panic attack at Walmart, but took a Klonopin to control it. Maybe I should have waited longer before taking medication, but I didn't feel like I could restrain myself from lashing out. I'm calm now and will probably go to sleep soon.
unico_love: (Amalthea)
Ah! Stress! My nightly anxiety, I guess. I did some yoga and meditation, but I still felt pretty irritable and critical and negative. I also had a headache by then. I usually try to wait for headaches to go away on their own, but since I'm already in a bad mood I decided to take Ibuprofen to see if clearing up my headache will help improve my mood. I'm trying to focus on the positive qualities of people I know and the reasons behind their more negative qualities. I'm very flawed and still want to be loved, so I should love others who are equally flawed. People don't need to be perfect to be loved. Michael is feeling a bit depressed now, too. I think we are going to watch the beginning of XXXHolic now, which will hopefully improve both of our moods.
unico_love: (Default)
Today I took my cat, Joey, to the nearby groomer to get his claws trimmed. He was very scared of the dogs and was much more well-behaved than with the vet. The groomer said he was a Maine Coon! Nobody ever told me that before. From what I've read his behavior is very Maine Coon-like (a lap cat, very tolerant of being picked up in all different ways, purrs loudly and like a chirp, very affectionate, etc.) I have to try to brush my cats daily to prevent them from matting or shedding as much. Mrs. Bates is very matted. I may take her to a veterinarian to get groomed. I don't know yet.

I was a bit on-edge earlier and was making Michael anxious with my anxiety, so I took a Klonopin. I feel better now. I've been reading a lot of today. I might do a tarot reading soon and hopefully tonight we will be going to the Japanese Marketplace. I want to get a sandwich there:-) Maybe even two and I will bring one home... I still have extra cash left from our trip to San Francisco.

Tonight Michael and I will watch the anime version of "The Tales of Earthsea." I read the books and liked them well enough. The writing style wasn't the most interesting to me, but I liked the ideas and themes actually in the book, though.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I just took my second dose of Ritalin LA. I have a lot left for this month, so I figured it was okay. It really does help my anxiety and mood... I should be happy, though, and usually I am now. Sometimes I even think I'm happier than average. I still self-monitor a lot -- constantly looking for any sign of anxiety or depression or fear. Then if I do notice it I start panicking:-/ Just too many years of too many bad emotions... Life is better now. I have to remember that. Also my pap smear test results came back normal so not another one of those horrible exams for two years! Yay!

I think I'm kind of the opposite of a nihilist. I think there is meaning in everything. When people ask questions like "What is the meaning of life?" I get very confused. It's not like I know a deeper truth than them -- I don't know an objective "meaning of life" on this earthly existence that stands true for everyone. I do think all of our existences have some kind of deeper purpose, but I don't know what it is, and I don't think one has to know that to have meaning and purpose in their life. Perhaps like in existentialism we have to create meaning in our lives. I would still count that as important. I do not just think we're useless, tiny dots existing for a moment in history, of no real value. I believe all things in the universe are sacred and divine. There's nothing wrong with being a little focused on yourself and understanding yourself and your life -- we're all sacred and valuable! Ants are just as important as humans who are just as important as any higher-up spirits or organisms that may exist/will exist. I am more hedonistic than I used to be -- I think we should all enjoy life to the fullest. Life is meant to be enjoyed and cherished. For me the ultimate meaning of life is to experience love and to love as much as possible. That is my main goal, as well as somehow making the world a better place in some small way. As Emily Dickinson said, "If I can save one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain." My views on ethics and spirituality are constantly evolving, but the core of who I am remains the same and probably so will my belief that love is of utmost value.

I have met so many creatures (including humans) that are so inspiring and great in some way or another -- I am learning so much. I am inspired always. Hopefully my self-criticism will die away and I will focus only on how I can improve instead of thinking of the ways in which I fail compared to other people. I've had great opportunities in life, too, and I have many wonderful people to turn to. Some of my past is hard to overcome, but I will keep trying.

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