unico_love: (crystal ball)
Not feeling anxious unless I leave my bed. Occasionally I can go out shopping, if there is a hint of a "reward." I overdraw my bank account by $4, but didn't get penalized. I also went over my credit card by about the same amount, but didn't get penalized. I've been taking from savings. I guess overspending has been helping me avoid my real problems and acted as a form of escapism. I've bought a lot of new clothes because nothing in my closet fits. Still gaining weight... I'm going to get my colors done into a personalized fan, which my mother thinks is a waste of money. Well buying new clothes in styles and colors that look good on me and obsessing over the color and style analysis is taking my mind off the fact that I look pregnant and feel fat. It's either this or *completely* starve myself and then end up back inpatient in the ED Ward and spend the money on that instead. Which would she prefer? I mean, I have no appetite. It's common at 11pm for me to ask Michael if I had remembered to eat that day.

John Kitchener, my favorite color/style analyst, I think, considers me half Romantic and half Youthful (AKA Ingenue in other systems). Both are completely yin. He said to think "Marilyn Monroe meets Emma Stone." That made me feel a little better about my appearance. I never before cared for Marilyn Monroe, but now I'm starting to. I want to learn more about her and watch "My Week with Marilyn" because she sounds like she was a very sweet and naive person. I'll always be an Audrey Hepburn first first, though. When I'm healthy my weight/size is a little closer to Audrey's (by a *smidge*) but I have a more rounded figure than her still and a face more like Marilyn's. So, still more of a Romantic.

John also said, color-wise, he saw Winter, Spring, and Summer in me and that I'm a tough case (no wonder I kept switching what season I thought I was!). He could see me as a Snowflake Winter (the shortest and most delicate -- personality-wise like Snow White or Alice from Alice in Wonderland), a Soft Spring, or a Summer. He said he saw a lot of "Subtle-Blended in me, AKA Summer). He is coming out with a book explaining all this next year. Very excited about it! He's a very kind man who adopted a litter of kittens (6!) and wrote on my FB and conversed with me despite his business and my inability to pay him. It's good I've decided to go the route of having a personalized fan made instead of a draping given that I probably don't fit neatly into one season (I'll see what my analyst has to say, but I think she agrees, as most do, that I am LSp mostly). I'm also a "Playful Winter: The Ballerina" in another typing system, which I love.

My mother is really tense and anxious lately and often takes it out on me. That makes me anxious and I feel like a failure. My brother can also have a snobby attitude, like he's in-charge of my mother's house. All the cats are over there now as she tries to sell this house. I still haven't gotten my salivary cortisol test results back! As I said before, I have osteoporosis and got those results back.

Izzy is back in the US! Saw her in Chicago first for a showing of My Neighbor Totoro and then to see the Chicago Art Institute's museum. We saw a special showcase of Impressionism, Fashion, and Modernity. Impressionism is my favorite so I'm so glad we went and saw it! I'd wanted to see it since I'd last been in Chicago months ago and I saw a poster for it at a bus stop. I was in a lot of pain, though, in my legs, hips, lower back, and shoulder wear I keep my purse. Maybe due to not enough exercise? I have no idea. I am okay sitting in bed, but sleeping or walking/standing hurts.

Today I went to a thrift shop today and bought a lot of tops, mostly in corals, light blues, and dark purples. I couldn't fit into a Medium Aeropostale top. That was... upsetting. At my healthy weight I comfortably wore a Small from there, both top and bottom.

Sick a Flu

Apr. 1st, 2013 09:20 pm
unico_love: (crystal ball)
Well this weekend wasn't the greatest. Saturday we had Cory, Kat, and Kat's husband, Chris come over. But that was later in the day. Earlier in the day I sat around as lazy as I usually am. And it was nice to see my friends, and we had pizza for dinner, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from the computer while they were watching bad old B movies. And then I started feeling more ill. The tickle in my throat from that morning was followed by a full-blown sore throat, aches, and chills. I eventually went into my bedroom to type more privately, and stayed there the rest of the night. Eventually, I couldn't really move, so a shower wasn't an option. I stayed fully dressed and Michael gave me my night meds. I didn't wash my face or brush my teeth. I couldn't sleep. I took way too many pills (not going into detail here because it might trigger people with suicidal ideation or whom have attempted suicide on pills in the past). But it makes me more sure than ever I have Cushings, considering how many pills I was taking (not a ton all at once) and how they didn't make me sleepy. I must have a ton of cortisol still running through me at night. I am going to demand the late night salivary test for cortisol.

I eventually fell asleep and spent the rest of the day in bed, in bad pain, including in my fingers and toes. I got myself propped up at 6pm and Michael gave me the computer. As the hours wore on I did better and better and eventually showered. I slept last night. I woke up today still feeling ill, but not nearly as bad.

Michael and Dan went to Chicago to see the moving From Up on Poppy Hill, but I didn't feel well enough to go. I still feel sick and weak. We also called the scheduling center about my MRI, but there are no sooner appointments available. We left a message for my endocrinologist about my bone pain and asking for a bone scan. Didn't hear back from her today...
unico_love: (Unico)
A bad day and a good day. So far it's ending as a good day:-) Michael had some problems with Target last night (he had things on hold that were no longer on hold for him when he got there) and then today (not clear on what went wrong at Target today). Michael got massively lost trying to get to a friend's house to help him with antivirus stuff (this friend and his parents are more computer illiterate than even me). Michael calmed down then and had a much easier time making it home. He brought me back a blueberry cake doughnut that I ate with a small glass of milk. I love milk and tend to drink it with brownies, cake, cookies, doughnuts -- basically sweets of any kind, other than ice cream (which provides the milk for me;-). We watched Glee online. It got cut off at the very end, though:( Which is too bad because I'd like some reliable streaming for Glee since it's on the same night as my church's Crafting and Conversation.

We're going to email a nearby church member about carpooling to Crafting and Conversation. It would help a lot with gas. April brought up maybe visiting for a short while Tuesday night, but we love Crafting:( I am learning sign language there. I'm having trouble remembering K, P, and T. Pictures online don't help me. It's hard for me to convert something two dimensional into something three dimensional. I will just get some more assistance at church. They do have a sign language class on Mondays, but we're already using up so much gas for the church.:( Yoga will be held once a month again and I'm looking forward to that.

I wasn't too anxious today until I realized, by idly checking amazon, that my Sailor Moon and Codename: Sailor V manga had been delivered September 13th and I never received them! Someone would have brought them in from the porch. I think someone stole them. The money had been deducted from my bank account for them and I'd even written it in my checking account the day before arrival. I just forgot... But fortunately Michael called amazon and got to talk to someone right away about what happened and they are overnight shipping replacements for me! That made me really happy. Unfortunately Michael noticed my big surprise present for his birthday in my amazon.com account:( That made me feel bad...

Now I'm going to do some yoga and maybe meditate. I also want to read more (finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife). And I should clean the toilets and sink.


Apr. 24th, 2011 10:10 pm
unico_love: (childlike empress)
Today went well, overall. I had trouble waking up and getting up this morning, which made me nauseated. I wore a nice pink dress today that I assumed was too small for me since I used to wear it when I was underweight, but it still fits. Michael and I exchanged Easter baskets (we gave each other much candy and I gave him a book, which made him decide to buy me a book). Then we went to church and were almost late. It was a really nice service about caring for the earth and caring for other people. Two Michael Jackson songs were done and there were children's drawings of love and earth from the projector. The children's choir sang. There was an excerpt from The Velvetine Rabbit (which we are also using in our commitment ceremony). I returned the book I borrowed and borrowed a dvd of the service I missed in March on Transcendentalism and Buddhism.

Then we ate lunch at my mother's house. She cooked a lot. Michael and Tommy (my brother) played a Mario Bros. game in the living room. I didn't try playing because the newer Mario games are too hard for me:( Then later this evening Michael and I watched Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind. It just ended.

I did have a bit of an anger problem/panic attack at Walmart, but took a Klonopin to control it. Maybe I should have waited longer before taking medication, but I didn't feel like I could restrain myself from lashing out. I'm calm now and will probably go to sleep soon.
unico_love: (Default)
Today I took my cat, Joey, to the nearby groomer to get his claws trimmed. He was very scared of the dogs and was much more well-behaved than with the vet. The groomer said he was a Maine Coon! Nobody ever told me that before. From what I've read his behavior is very Maine Coon-like (a lap cat, very tolerant of being picked up in all different ways, purrs loudly and like a chirp, very affectionate, etc.) I have to try to brush my cats daily to prevent them from matting or shedding as much. Mrs. Bates is very matted. I may take her to a veterinarian to get groomed. I don't know yet.

I was a bit on-edge earlier and was making Michael anxious with my anxiety, so I took a Klonopin. I feel better now. I've been reading a lot of today. I might do a tarot reading soon and hopefully tonight we will be going to the Japanese Marketplace. I want to get a sandwich there:-) Maybe even two and I will bring one home... I still have extra cash left from our trip to San Francisco.

Tonight Michael and I will watch the anime version of "The Tales of Earthsea." I read the books and liked them well enough. The writing style wasn't the most interesting to me, but I liked the ideas and themes actually in the book, though.
unico_love: (Delight)
Yesterday night was quite busy. During the day I mostly read and looked at a forum online. Someone was harassing me there:( It was incredibly stressful and I needed to take Klonopin. I don't know how people can think cyber-bullying is less painful than regular bullying. The internet feels "real" to me, certainly. And I'm still so emotionally fragile... If someone told me to kill myself I would probably think that's what I should do. I know that sounds terrible and irrational. I still put too much weight on what other people think of me and I don't have much self-worth yet, though that is slowly getting better.

Last night Michael and I went with Dan to the Music Box Theatre in Chicago to see the new Neon Genesis Evangelion movie. It was subtitled, which was nice. However, the listing online said the movie was at 8:45pm and really it was at 9:45pm! So after we bought our tickets (only $5 for Monday nights!) we went to the nearby Dairy Queen and had ice cream. Then they closed at 9pm and we went back to the theater. I read a bit (Scandinavian folktales) and a friend of Dan's arrived at the theater with his roommate, so they talked to Dan and Michael until the movie started. I was so worried it would be sold out and crowded, but there was hardly anyone there! They didn't even collect our tickets because they knew all of us hanging around had bought our tickets. The movie was shown in the bigger theater and it was beautiful! It's an old theater. Supposedly it's haunted, too (I think by a previous owner? He's supposed to be a friendly spirit). The film was very good and I was actually able to concentrate on it for the whole two hours! Maybe the Klonopin helped my attention span. Also I didn't have distractions around me. Also on Mondays it's buy one drink get one free or buy one popcorn get one free, so Michael gave me his extra popcorn. I generally dislike popcorn that isn't homemade (I only like it without salt and without butter -- completely plain), but I was quite hungry so I ate it all.

I was very tired after the movie and glad to get back home. I felt a bit ill and just hurried up and took my Miralax and medications and went to bed. I felt sick this morning, too. I'm feeling much better now. Michael may go with Dan to "Japan Night" at a bar tonight -- it's where they have Japanese bands play at a bar. I did enjoy one bar that played live music, so maybe I would like Japan Night, but I think I will be staying home.
unico_love: (Unico)
I went from being in a terribly depressed mood the past three nights into an incredibly good mood tonight! I feel guilty for spending so much money this month on things I didn't need and I really want to save a little bit of money, but Christmas adventures seem more important! I want to go to a German Christmas festival in Chicago and look at all the crafts and other assorted goods. If I see something I really like and it's not too expensive Michael will buy it as an early birthday gift<3 My birthday is January 13, though I was due Christmas Eve (December 24). I also want to eat all the German foods listed by the vendors! I'm usually not an adventurous person when it comes to food, but I want to try the different desserts and meat-filled buns. Not the cheese or vegetable-filled buns, though. I also wish I could try the German hamburgers and potato pancakes. And I have a big craving for bratwurst now. I'm hoping this week I can get my mother to take me to the grocery store so I can get bratwurst and buns to put them on. That way I won't be tempted at the Christmas festival to get something I already know I like and can get at other times. Same with cheese strudel (if it is what I think it is, it is something cheese-like that I do consume). We might be able to go to this Christmas festival earlier in the day and then go to Lincoln Park Zoo at night for their lights festival (like the Brookfield Zoo thing I just went to). I will have to withdraw more money, but it would be worth it. At least I am 100% done with Christmas presents and just have to wrap some.

Also Michael was going to buy me the anime Romeo x Juliet for my birthday, but I can watch it on hulu.com and will only choose that over other things if I really, really like the series and feel I will rewatch it many times. I usually dread my birthday, but tonight I feel excited about it. Zyprexa must make me rapid cycle or something, because I am feeling insanely good right now. Though usually on Zyprexa my mood is stable (it's not like my mood is going up and down so much on a regular basis).
unico_love: (Unico)
I finally finished rereading Sailor Moon Super S. I should read a bit of Sailor Moon every night -- it always improves my mood. It makes me very happy and the world seems like a brighter and kinder place. I don't relate to any of the main characters too much (I relate most to Sailor Saturn), but I relate to qualities within each of them. All of their motivations and feelings and desires make sense to me. Love is the ultimate feeling and the ultimate goal. Love always wins in Sailor Moon. The senshi are all friends who love each other deeply, as I love my own friends. Appreciating what your loved ones do for you is important. Even ordinary people can at least mentally be a kind, loving ruler of their own kingdom. We each are our own world; we create our own world. Everyone protects their own inner kingdom and can choose whether to battle and be competitive and harsh with others and their kingdoms or choose love and mutual support. Like Usagi (Sailor Moon) and Mamoru (Tuxedo Mask), Michael and I can love innocently and contentedly, taking care of one another and teaching one another to love more deeply. There are difficulties we must face, but somehow we will always cope. The world can be beautiful and filled with hope. Dreams do come true. My dream is to be happy and to be with my loved ones, maybe even helping others' dreams come true and to help others feel loved and important. Those are obtainable dreams and wonderful dreams. I am blessed in so many ways.
unico_love: (Amalthea)
I'm stressed out over something really stupid. I lose things all the time and I seem to have lost the skirt that goes to my Lolita outfit that I wore to the anime convention (and planned on wearing it to next May's anime convention). I gave both the skirt and the dress to Michael to dry clean. He claims he dry-cleaned the skirt along with another skirt, thinking it wasn't connected to the dress. I have the other skirt in my closet and Michael claims he gave me both skirts at the same time. I can't find the skirt anywhere. He also had my dress for a very long time, but then I found out I could wash it in the washing machine -- I just couldn't dry it in the dryer. So I dug out the dress and washed it, finally realizing I didn't have my skirt. Michael can't find the skirt at his house and I can't find the skirt at my house. I'm really obsessing over this and upset. Michael doesn't think I should worry until he's had a chance to search my house for it, since I often lose things. I cleared out a few things from my closet that don't fit or are worn. I still have tons of clothes, though... I really hope the skirt turns up. I was freaking out so much I needed to take Klonopin. I'm still very tense and upset. The dress was kind of expensive, but not super expensive, and it is replaceable. I shouldn't get this worried. And if the skirt doesn't show up I'd probably be better off buying a different style of dress just in case the skirt shows up someday, and then I'd have two Lolita dresses instead of just one. I'm planning on dressing up in Renaissance clothing for Halloween, so I don't need the skirt soon... I just hate losing things! And I don't want to waste money. I only wore that dress/skirt once.
unico_love: (Unico)
I just realized I never uploaded some pictures from the convention, so here they are.

Anime Central Pictures )
unico_love: (Amalthea)
Despite doing well, I'm terrified my severe anxiety will return. I guess I'm anxious about getting anxious... I'm afraid I'm going to suddenly have a panic attack for no reason or to slip back into my obsessions. I'm not taking Klonopin, but I'm on-edge because I'm afraid. I also feel bad because I just bought a manga I didn't realize had been released (vol. 5 of The Shinji Ikari Raising Project of Neon Genesis Evangeion. It only cost $10, but I don't have much money right now and I'm waiting to see if my overnight hospital bill will come in this month. I have no idea how much it will cost or when the bill will arrive. I want to have enough money to cover that. If this wasn't lingering over my head I wouldn't feel so guilty for buying the manga. I did withdraw money from my account that I'm going to try to use for all in-person purchases this month, if it lasts. I withdrew it mostly to buy gifts at the Ginza Festival (this weekend's Japanese festival in Chicago), but I also need to use it to pay for medications, Miralax, and things like that. I know I shouldn't worry too much, because I can borrow money from my mother or Michael and if I'm careful I should be all right, but I hate dealing with finances.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
Today mostly Michael and I have been watching The Mysterious Cities of Gold, which was made in France, Japan, and Canada and aired on Nickelodeon in the US. I used to love it as a child and it made me want to be an anthropologist (though I didn't know the word "anthropologist" then). Watching this has really made me want to go on a trip to Peru and Bolivia. I used to want to go to South America to see the ancient ruins, but I've let it slip from my mind for a long time. Hopefully someday I will get to go:)

My nausea has mostly been under control today and I ate plenty for dinner without feeling ill. I think cream sauces and the like would make me quite sick, but I had tomato sauce on pasta for dinner and I didn't feel sick. I am kind of excited about buying Izzy's birthday gift (I love buying gifts), though I feel bad that it will probably take awhile to arrive. Next I'm saving money for my eye appointment and then Michael's ring. I am contemplating getting a digital camera at some point in the near future, too. I still have to take my art photographs... I will probably get to see April tomorrow evening, so yay for that, too!

I have to call my psychiatrist soon and display my displeasure at his leaving without warning for two weeks when I'd just talked to him previously and he told me to call him "sooner to when I'd run out" for a medication refill. Now I need a Geodon prescription (and probably a small Zyprexa prescription for emergencies) before I see him July 29.
unico_love: (Delight)
The second (and last day for me) was fun at the convention. However, I was really tired from yet again not enough sleep for me and I forgot to take my ritalin before going. My appetite was out of control from the Zyprexa and I felt very upset that I couldn't eat. Finally I got to eat and I ate too fast and felt sick. The panels I saw today were on Evangelion and the Persona video games. Two hours each, one right after the other, in the same room. But I enjoyed them. I tried to make myself focus (something I'm not great at unless I'm obsessing -- though Evangelion used to be an obsession and sometimes still is). Michael is out getting me ice cream now. He will return to the convention tomorrow for a little while (it doesn't last the full day). Tonight he and I will watch some things and go to bed early. I also noticed I need to work on my anxiety because of my trouble staying focused. I tend to think of my obsessions or current unsolved issues. Though my anxiety helps a lot with the emotional discomfort and sometimes I can focus well with it.
unico_love: (Unico)
Today I went to Anime Central (a convention) with Michael and his friend Dan. I came home early because I find such things overloading and overwhelming. I enjoyed when I was there, though, and will probably stay later tomorrow. We saw panels on Studio Ghibli, 1980's anime, world folklore in anime and manga, and a question and answer session with a band called Aural Vampire that Michael and Dan want to see later. I feel bad that I made them drive me home during rush hour:( I dressed in a Sweet Lolita outfit I bought and I will wear it next year, too. I will post pictures of it when I post pictures of the convention. I bought a pink bunny eared hat and a lavender t-shirt with anime-styled designs of a deer, bunny, and bird with flowers. Those are what I intended to buy at the convention. Tomorrow I also will probably purchase a ticket for next year's convention since they are so much cheaper to buy them that early. I probably will skip attending Sunday. I have to come home relatively early to sleep since getting up at 8am requires me to take nausea pills already -- not getting much sleep would worsen the situation.
unico_love: (Usagi snowflakes)
Pictures )
unico_love: (Asuka time)
We finished Nadia: The Secret of Blue Water but still have to watch the movie. I love the series... Anime always tends to cheer me up and I had been looking forward to seeing the rest of the series for awhile now. I'm still having trouble focusing on reading, but for some reason yesterday and today I focused on the television programs pretty well. I don't know why. I'm going to go attempt to read now...
unico_love: (Hotaru black dress)
1. The cheap, new frog stationery I bought at the convention (technically yesterday... I forgot)
2. Spending more time with Michael at the convention
3. Michael winning the ADV anime contest
4. Having some food from the Japanese "mall" near the convention
5. Coming to a mutual understanding on Facebook
6. Going to the Anime Central convention again today
7. Rewatching The Snowman
unico_love: (Hotaru profile)
1. Getting to see Tiffany Grant, who does the English voice of Asuka in Neon Genesis Evangelion
2. Michael buying me a Cardcaptor Sakura UFO doll
3. Buying a surprise gift for April:-)
4. Michael locking the only key in the car. But we were parked right across from a Chrysler dealership and his car was a Chrysler and they opened the door for us:-)
5. Nice textmessages from a friend
6. A new Robotech dvd I bought, after learning about it at the Robotech panel
7. Not throwing up from getting up early
unico_love: (Usagi snowflakes)
Apparently there's going to be a Pullip doll panel at Anime Central! This will be my first time attending Anime Central; I went to Otakon in Maryland once before. That was fun. I wish I had a costume to wear, but I can't sew and buying one would cost money I'm not willing to spend right now. I don't know if I will collect more Pullips in the near future because I've basically run out of room for stuff. My house is very small. There are still several dolls I'd really like, though.

Watching Sailor Moon makes me very happy and contented. I love the music too. Michael copied me a lot of the music (and I have 4 soudtracks), but I can't hear a lot of the songs until my hard drive is copied. Unfortunately watching Sailor Moon distracts Michael from his homework:-( I should try and put something else on in the background when he's trying to do homework.

I want to buy tickets to Arizona but I have to wait until I know when Tori Amos is touring near where I live... I'm very antsy.
unico_love: (Usagi snowflakes)
I don't remember how I first heard about this book, but I desperately wanted it and we contacted Barnes and Noble. They didn't have it and directed us to a comic shop called Graham Crackers who did have it. I read through the book so many times the spine was completely broken and all the pages loose. I don't roleplay; it kind of makes me uncomfortable. However, I do like books on roleplaying and I like anything related to Sailor Moon. I am not sure where my book is now:-( It might be in my childhood bedroom somewhere... I will buy a new one sometime if I can't find it. So many good memories...


unico_love: (Default)

August 2013



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