unico_love: (Delight)
I received a call around noon that my cortisol from my suppression test was "borderline" so I have to do a 24 hour urine test, which I'm starting tomorrow morning. I'm a bit nervous about the idea of having Cushings after reading some bad cases of it and even a bunch of obituaries. One site called it "The Most Dangerous Disease You've Never Heard Of." Cushings has a tumor in the pituitary gland releasing tons of cortisol. I also have very high prolactin, which would likely be due to a tumor in the pituitary gland releasing tons of prolactin. That means I would need two tumors. I'm hoping that's not the case... I can't wait to get my MRI.

An interesting thing: My MRI at the hospital is set for April 6th. That's my maternal grandmother's birthday. She went into the hospital (in the 1970's) to die on my birthday, January 13th (same day of the week even -- Thursday).

I feel over the past month I have grown progressively weaker and sorer. My fatigue is worse. Just taking a shower or walking next door is hard. I'm slacking off on my chores, but I'm determined to clean the bathroom tomorrow. I'd also like to read and crochet... It sounds so simple, yet it's so hard.

I don't feel asocial at all -- I'd love to talk to people online, and friends in the area -- you can visit anytime! I hope Cory can visit this weekend. I feel bad about turning him down last weekend. I hope I can go to church this weekend, but the fatigue and acheing is worst in the mornings -- no matter what time I go to sleep.

It's ironic that when I was sick in the summer I feared I had a brain tumor and everyone told me I was being a hypochondriac and to stop looking things online, and then I gained more weight and people thought I was just being anorexic and wanting to lose weight, and it turns out I likely have a pituitary gland tumor that caused weight gain, as well as depression, anxiety, pain, and a bunch of other problems.

My family and Michael are very worried now, wondering if it's cancer or something. Because they see how I've changed and how things just don't make sense.
unico_love: (Delight)
Today was a better day than yesterday, at least. Michael missed his teaching at church and we both slept in. Cory was unable to come over, which was fine. Michael and I went to the free gem and mineral show at the Dupage Fairgrounds in Wheaton. Michael bought 3 carved stone animals -- a bear, a rabbit, and a cat. I bought a gorilla for Cory. I also bought an aventurine for myself, since they should bring good luck, and green moss agate earrings for Izzy. While I was flipping through the pendants on index cards, the first one I stopped at was labradorite -- the bracelet I'd been hoping to buy next month, probably as my last bracelet for awhile. Then I recently had been backing out of it, due to expenses as of late, but now I am more sure I should buy it if I can. Labradorite helps with intuition, seeing past illusions, and is associated with the brain (close to the pituitary gland -- where I'm having problems). Even if it doesn't help on a physical level, it's symbolic.

Then we went to the pet shop for cat food and we went to Aldi for human food. I skipped my shower tonight because my stomach is really bothering me. I keep trying to find information about hyperprolactanaemia, but most of the information is on Trying To Conceive messageboards. I want a board for people that is I Hope The Treatment Makes Me Infertile and Sterile. Also I want to get tested for Hashimoto's and mosaic Turner's Syndrome. I know I was just tested Saturday for Cushing's Syndrome. My endocrinologist seemed to assume I had Hashimoto's because it causes most hypothyroidism, but this pituitary stuff can cause it, too. A friend with Turner's Syndrome thinks I sound like mosaic Turner's and I can relate to a lot I've read on it. Endocrinologists often test it/diagnose it, I guess. So eventually I'd like to see about that.

Tomorrow I'm calling the endocrinologist's office to see if I need a sooner MRI appointment than April 6th because she said "as soon as possible" and that is not very soon. I also have to call my psychiatrist, part of the same hospital and who recommended this endocrinologist, and tell him what's going on.
unico_love: (Default)
5 Gratitudes1/8/13
1. Changing my mind and going to crafting
2. Learning more how to crochet
3. Michael buying me the avocado pre-shampoo Burt's Bees hair treatment
4. Klonopin
5. Getting complimented on my new teal sweater and my Vanilla Bean Noel fragrance mist

5 Gratitudes1/9/13
1. Getting my driver's license renewed without too many problems
2. Reading more about Audrey Hepburn
3. Talking to Izzy
4. Using the elliptical again while watching Rudolph's Shiny New Year with Michael
5. Michael making me pizza

5 Hopes
1. I can do a full hour on the elliptical tomorrow
2. I feel even less stressed over Linni
3. I make progress at crocheting
4. No binging
5. No depression or anxiety (or at least minimal)
unico_love: (childlike empress)
5 Gratitudes
1. Seeing friends at church
2. Talking to Cory
3. Eating a chocolate chip bagel with cream cheese at Einstein with Michael and Cory
4. Michael
5. Klonopin

5 Hopes
1. I'm less anxious and depressed tomorrow
2. I clean up my clothes
3. I work on my anxiety DBT and ED art/journaling workbooks
4. Michael and I watch Rudolph's Shiny New Year
5. My wheezing is gone
unico_love: (Default)
Solemn Mermaid - 1/2/13

I know you hate the sappy sentimentality
The dribble and the drabble
The pathetic passing as poetry
You never seemed to get
Just give me one chance
Even that won't be enough, I bet
But still there's hope
Still I pine for your haunting eyes
To pass by me once more

I idolized you, lithe yet alluring mermaid
Porcelain with hair onyx beneath the waves
A face and figure us earth girls die for -- literally
Endless nights I pinched my belly, lamented my empty breasts
For I could not compare to your curvacious perfection
Held in proper modesty, which could never hide your physical gifts

And intelligent as anyone, much more than many
Reading French classics when other children played on the monkey bars
Their whild deeds held no interest to you
Instead, you tipped up your nose
You fed the stray cats the meat you didn't want
You read Les Miserables with ferver and passion
No other eight year old could grasp, tormenting you instead
Tragically trying to break the spirit of an angel on earth

In awe I learned such things
I wanted to hug you, hold you
Make you know you were good and holy
The God you prayed to had not forsaken you
You were always such a good little girl
At the Kingdom Hall
Faithfully attending and sharing and participating
You believed, you prayed, you took the pain and deepened your belief
God loved you deep into the ocean you came from, right through the seaweed and coral

It might be hard to understand why things happened as they did
Why you must suffer so much more than me
Or even than others who live to torment the innocent
Darling, I have no answers
But my embrace is here if you ever want to return
As is his, the one most deeply hurt
The one you care about so at your core
Don't let a good dream go
Don't box yourself into old-fashioned duties that don't make anyone happy

Rules sometimes outlive their purpose
You can be good, darling, you are already good, darling
Just be careful how you tread, your mistakes are forgiven
Your sins are so minor
Forgive yourself, that's all you need to do
So come back to us
No need to dissociate, no need to destroy relationships
You can love us all and we can love you back
We'll make a chain of daisies and put it on your innocent head
Hold hands with your husband and give him a kiss
Then let yourself smile at us -- a real smile
Knowing we are all pure and we are all works in progress

You do not need to suffer for your faith, dear one
I love you, he loves you, God loves you, your husband loves you
So fear nothing, and give everything your most honest effort
Life need not be so complicated
Go for a swim, pretty little mermaid
Take a break and think and feel
Let the salty water hide your tears -- never your beauty
We'll all be waiting here patiently
unico_love: (Unico)
5 Gratitudes
1. Michael being strong
2. Reading about Audrey Hepburn
3. Brown sugar and cinnamon Pop Tarts
4. Watching Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure with Michael
5. Being less sick today

5 Hopes
1. Michael and I will both be less sick tomorrow and Michael won't have any sickness-induced hallucinations or overheating
2. We both will feel less anxiety and depression/will feel more emotional wellbeing
3. More housecleaning will be done
4. I will eat better again starting tomorrow
5. Michael and I will watch more recent episodes of MLP: FiM
unico_love: (childlike empress)
5 Gratitudes
1. A good doctor's appointment
2. Not vomiting
3. Michael
4. Good friends
5. Nyquil

5 Hopes
1. Closure
2. Feeling less sick tomorrow
3. Michael being less sick tomorrow
4. My computer scren getting "stuck" into place better (otherwise I might need to buy a new -- much cheaper! -- laptop in 2013)
5. Michael being happy
unico_love: (Snow White)
Wow. An ex-friend certainly went to great lengths to break Michael's heart. She's proven herself to be quite the little liar.... All those morals and ethics she talks about? Non-existent. All for show. Can't say I feel too sorry for her about her problems now that her "true self" has been revealed. Yikes.
unico_love: (Strange Beauty)
Day 29: Some people believe in never being serious. Some people believe in taking everything seriously. Let's assume that both groups of people are bringing something important to the table. How can you take nothing and everything seriously at the same time? How might this benefit you?

Know that you can never know everything and all plans might go awry -- we are not omniscient. We are very much fallible beings, and the happiest way to approach this is with laughter. However, treat everything and everyone with respect, because there is value in everything. Treating life this way would make my life feel more worthwhile, while less stressful.

30 Day Self-Esteem Meme )
unico_love: Snow White (innocence unicorn)
Great website: http://www.randomactsofkindness.org/
unico_love: (red rose girl)
5 Gratitudes
1. Michael having a good birthday and enjoying his gifts
Michael seemed happy today and liked what I gave him, though he needs a new chain for the bear pendant
2. Not binging
I ate a fair amount of calories today, including sweets, but no binging, which is a step in the right direction
3. Good psychiatrist appointment
My psychiatrist was nice, as always, supportive, encouraged me about getting in better shape and losing weight, and was sorry others weren't understanding of me
4. Seeing friends and having a good dinner
I got a chance to see a couple of friends I haven't seen in awhile, and another friend I always love seeing; I had a delicious meatball sandwich for dinner and discussion was fun and lighthearted
5. Getting the proper Blu-ray player hooked up
It was irritating to find out I'd ordered a wired internet connection Blu-ray player when I needed wireless, so we exchanged the machine at hhgregg for another model for the exact same price. Michael installed it and connected it to the internet and I'm excited!

5 Hopes
1. No binging or overeating tomorrow
2. 2 1 hour workouts tomorrow (1 in the morning before I shower, 1 later in the day)
3. A good visit with Michael's family
4. Painless time cleaning up the house for Jan's arrival
5. No (or very little) anxiety or depression for Michael and me
unico_love: (childlike empress)
Day 21: What are some positive mottos or mantras you have about life or the self? (If you don't have any yet, tumblr is full of wonderful inspirational quotes!) What do you appreciate about these mottos/mantras? How do they help you?

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all."
— Emily Dickinson

I appreciate the value and beauty of hope and never want to lose hope.

"If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain."

— Emily Dickinson

Life is very complex, but ultimately, if I've helped someone or made them feel better, my life was worth living.

30 Day Self-Esteem Meme )
unico_love: (childlike empress)
1. Going to the holiday craft show with my mother
A fun, yearly tradition
2. My mother buying me a Christmas ornament
She usually does this -- this time it's an angel with curly brown hair made out of a fake white poinsettia
3. Spending time with Michael and Kat and eating pizza
Kat chose toppings I like and I always enjoyed laidback conversations with Kat
4. Playing Apples to Apples at Young Adult Group
5. Watching Slings and Arrows while on the elliptical
Makes exercise more interesting and I focus better on the seris
unico_love: (red rose girl)
1. Buying a new, pretty pair of yoga pants from Target
They are dark gray with an aqua and peach and silver star pattern at the top
2. Watching SNL with Michael
Cheers me up
3. Finished reading The Bipolar Survival Guide
It provided some insights I hadn't really thought about
4. My mother taking me to Walmart
She paid for my cat water (distilled) and nail polish remover
5. Cookies and cookie dough
They are bad for my diet, but so delicious
unico_love: (Delight)
Day 12: What might be problematic about wanting perfection? What might be unrealistic about the concept of perfection?
Perfection is unobtainable and the definition would differ person to person. Not to mention it would ultimately seem like nothingness, it would be so beyond definition.

30 Day Self-Esteem Meme )
unico_love: Snow White (innocence unicorn)
1. Buying a pair of floral skinny jeans from JC Penney
2. Getting dark chocolate (Target), peanut butter chocolate chip cookies (Jewel), and lavender laundry detergent from Trader Joe's
3. Minimal anxiety after morning passed
4. Watching Margot (documentary about a ballerina) and Cinderella
5. No bingeing today
unico_love: (Delight)
Today I was not very anxious. I did feel like fainting when I woke up, though. My head felt heavy and cold, my hands felt cold. Upon standing, I swayed and saw black. So after breakfast (oatmeal) and not feeling better, I had some chicken, which helped very quickly. It had been a couple days since I'd had meat. I'm super reliant on it. I'm going to try rice and beans since it's supposed to also be a complete protein. I felt tired from the Valerian I took earlier and laid down in bed for awhile. I finished reading a book. I felt steady enough to shower and afterwards I was freezing cold.

I received Cinderella the dvd/Blu-ray combo in the mail today, as well as my neuro/cardio bill. I was charged nothing for neuro, presumably because I had Medicaid as well as Medicare then. I was charged $80 for cardio, after I was taken off Medicaid. I just paid the bill to not deal with the hassle, though I hope I get re-approved for Medicaid. I think with my bank statement I have a good chance.

Michael and Dan went on a trip up to eastern Wisconsin, just past the Illinois border, looking at a bunch of stores. I was picked up by our friend Kat and brought to her condo where a group was playing Scrabble and Bananagrams and I watched (by choice). We talked and I had peppermint tea and we ate veggie pizza. I ate three pieces. I don't know why I didn't get full sooner... And now I'm paying for it with bad gas -- bloated and abdominal cramping. I'm drinking more peppermint tea to see if that helps.

Now I'm back at home, drinking tea, about to take my meds, and I've turned on the heat to 68 degrees. I'm probably going to sleep in the clothes I'm wearing and just take my bra off and wear lots of layers (I'm wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt, thermal leggings, lounge pants, as well as a fleece sweater. It's probably about time to wash and put away the new jersey sheets and put on the old flannel sheets. Then eventually the fleece.

My goals for tomorrow:
-Pick up clutter
-Put old vacuum into my brother's car, as well as other recyclable electronics
-Rearrange bookshelves and get rid of more books possibly
-Work on CBT book
-Journal
-Read
-Watch movie
-Back up everything onto my external hard drive
-Clean the litterboxes
-Dust
-Email/Internet stuff
-See if I have any more clothes to get rid of
-Put away/break down boxes

I've broken a couple rules and bought myself 2 $0.01 books from amazon.com the past 2 days. They require $3.99 shipping, so really it's $8.00. I already have books to read!>_< I'm also craving clothes, but I just bought clothes. So maybe this is less superficial of me? We can only hope... I also finished buying Michael's birthday presents and paid my hospital bill and ambulance bill. I paid rent and credit card and netflix. My major bills in waiting that are unavoidable: electric, gas, Valium, and cat food. Other things I will spring for are: food/coffee out with friends and the pumpkin farm. Maybe I will find myself up to buying some Christmas presents early. Who knows? I will wait until later in the month in case of more unexpected bills before I buy anything unnecessary and unexpected. I'd love to use my credit card barely at all so next month I have more money in my checking account and can pay back my $80 for the external hard drive back to my packet of savings. That would be a good start on my quest for saving. A quest that mostly will have to wait until after Christmas.
unico_love: (Default)
1. Good church service
2. Talking to friends (online and offline)
3. Buying the glasses frames I love for very little money
4. My mother agreeing to pay up to $200 worth of lenses
5. My mother's partner being able to easily seal Michael's window
6. Dark chocolate mocha
7. Season premiere of Once Upon a Time
8. Low anxiety day
unico_love: (red rose girl)
1. Watching MLP:FiM
2. Going to the Willowbrook Wildlife Center
3. Getting a small reimbursement (?) from the hospital
4. Finding out our new vacuum is waiting for us at h.h.gregg
5. Reading Magic of the Celtic Otherworld

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